Chapter 6: The Dinner Conversation
[The previous chapters of this long piece of dreck may be found here. You should really start at the beginning. It’s the very best place to start.]
The two creatures, Sterling the skunk and Shash the bear, made their way through the woods, winding a trail back to Rabbit’s hole. Shash led the way, though Sterling was fairly certain he could have found their destination on his own. The woods seemed familiar to him. He recognized the high straight trunks of the red oak trees, the twisting beech branches, and the leaf clutter that blanketed the forest floor beneath them. The sounds of the forest provoked a feeling of deja vu. The padding sounds of their feet on the path beneath them, the tinkling of a distant stream, and the occasional pops and snaps of twigs and acorns falling were as well known to him now as the sounds of taxi horns and police sirens had been in the old world. It was all enjoyable. He felt alive and content, and wished, in a way, that he could spend the night sniffing the ground and eating grubs.
Soon enough the lamp outside the rabbit’s hole could be seen through the forest. It was a warm glow, illuminating a stone path that was neat and well proportioned. As they drew closer they could hear loud laughing and the squealing of pigs. Mixed with the melody of obvious merriment was another noise, a discordant sound, that of Randy cursing and shouting at the pigs.
Sash hastened his pace as Randy’s cries became clearer. Upon reaching the door he didn’t wait for Sterling to catch up. Instead, with a quick look back at his new friend, he gave a nod, then quickly opened the door and disappeared inside.
By the time Sterling reached the door the laughing and squealing had stopped. The bear’s entrance had quieted the pigs. Randy could now clearly be heard shouting, “Change the channel, you motherfuckers, or I’ll have you all reduced to lard.”
This last statement excited more giggles from the pigs, and as Sterling entered the house he saw the pigs all spread out on the chairs, red faced and wiping away tears of laughter. Randy was standing the middle of the room with a coaxial cable attached to his navel and his pants down around his ankles.
“Oh, Esquire,” said the big pig, “It’s all in good fun. You’ve given us a most memorable evening.”
“These fuckers,” Said Randy, turning to Shash and Sterling, “Had me demonstrate the 7000 umbilicus that I bought from the dragon. I attached the thing to my media omphalos, and while I was explaining to them how great it was to watch a cooking show, because you could smell the aromas of the kitchen and feel the heat of the stove, they thought it would be a good joke to change the channel to some squirrel porn.”
Shash who was looking at the rabbit with sympathy, betrayed the slightest hint of a smirk. There was almost no change in his aspect, but the rabbit exploded.
“Don’t you fucking laugh,” said Randy, shaking a bulbus finger at Shash. “They wouldn’t give me back the fucking remote and… well, it’s not like I’m into squirrels, but you have no idea what it is like to put on porn when you have this thing attached, and before you know it I’ve got to drop trou to make sure my pecker doesn’t break off when it goes rocket…”
The pigs erupted in renewed laughter. The senator outstretched in his chair, shaking rather violently, and trying to cover his face. “Have you ever seen a rabbit rocket?” the big pig asked. “Miss Petunia almost couldn’t contain herself.”
Randy unscrewed the cable from his navel and pulled up his pants with a sour expression. He was speaking underneath his breath, as the pigs once again tried to control their fits of giggles.
“I told you that thing was trouble.” Shash said.
“It wouldn’t be any trouble if these pigs didn’t show up,” said Randy.
“Now, now.” Said the Senator, “Don’t be impolite, Randy. We were just having a bit of fun.”
“Perhaps you should be going,” said the bear.
“Yes,” said the Senator. I would like to be on our way, but we can’t leave just yet, of course, until we conclude the business at hand.”
“Which is?” Asked Randy.
“You have an American staying with you. We must know what he is about, and we must discuss this week’s re-enactment.”
Before anyone had a chance to react, the Senator reached into his pocket and produced a sizable wad of bills. “Here” he said, turning and handing a group of large, purple notes, to one of the landraces, “Go down to the Mole’s and buy us some pizzas. We’ve overstayed our welcome already and relied on Mr. Rabbit’s hospitality for too long. You boys go fetch us a feed, and then I won’t feel so badly about our imposition.”
“If we’re going to make a Mole run, let me get some money so they can buy me a salad.”
“Absolutely, not!” Replied the pig, making a grandiose gesture to stop the Rabbit from getting his wallet, “You have been over-kind. I insist.” He fanned his hand in another dismissive embellishment. “Miss Petunia and you boys run along, and get some of the garlic acorns while you’re at it.”
With that the landraces and Petunia, who all seemed quite excited by the prospect of buying food, rushed out of the house and into the darkness, their pink bodies banging together as they exited the door.
A quiet descended on the rabbit’s hole. It looked different to Sterling than it had earlier in the evening. He could smell it now. It smelled like clean earth. Cigarette smoke and stale beer no longer dominated. He smelled the earth and the tree above the hole, it’s roots, and the moisture of its sap. The hole was quite comfortable, he decided. The appointment of the lamps made sense to him now. They were old school. No overhead, track, or spot lighting. Just table lamps and standing lamps. There was very little contrast in the room. The mismatched shades illuminated the room in a way that was muted, warm, and sophisticated.
Once again, the Senator squeezed his prodigious bulk into the Naugahyde chair. Shash took up his spot on the couch. Randy pulled up a Windsor chair stenciled with scenes of rabbits, and Sterling picked a stool, so that his tail had full freedom behind him.
“You must have a great many questions, Sterling,” the Senator began. “How can we help you?”
“Well,” said Sterling, not sure where to begin, “can I eat pizza?”
Everyone seemed surprised by the question. The pig was a bit perturbed. “Do you mean can you, or should you?”
“Either,” said Sterling.
Both Shash and Randy looked at the pig, eager to hear his reply.
“The cheese is an indulgence,” the pig said, “you can take it off if you like. I may remove mine, though, of course, given my work with the Knights of St. Eider I could partake without…”
“Oh, what bullshit…” Randy said.
The pig stopped, obviously annoyed. He turned to Randy and said, “I didn’t know that you were an expert on canon law, Esquire. It surprises me that one so steeped in the blasphemy of unbelievers would…”
“Let’s not discuss religion,” Shash interjected, “It is impolite.”
“Yes,” said the pig, turning towards the Rabbit. “I thought I was answering the American’s question. Forgive me.” He stared at the Rabbit with a mean, piggy stare. Then, very dramatically, he softened his countenance and began again.
“Where do you think you are?” he asked Sterling.
“Well,” said Sterling, “I seemed to have stepped into another world. A fantastical world that has some resemblance to my own but is, in every way, more enchanting and magical than the world I have come from.”
Randy drew in a sharp breath of surprise as Sterling spoke, and Shash and the Senator’s noses both were wet with interest, so Sterling continued.
“It seems that I have been brought here…”
“Yes…” said the Senator.
“To do something special. That maybe…”
“Maybe you are the one that was foretold in the prophecy,” said Randy.
“Quiet,” the Senator snapped. “Close the blinds and turn on your bat machine before another word is said.”
As Randy got up to close the blinds the Senator leaned forward, placing his forelegs on his knees and tipping his great bulk toward Sterling, who sat upright on the stool. He looked about, his piggy eyes suddenly conspiratorial and fast, and his voice dropped into a hoarse whisper.
“There is a prophecy. Given by the great Duck, as told in the Merganzer Upanishad, that one day… a day, I might add that by our astronomical calculations and lunar calendar is close to today… that one day an American, not unlike yourself, would come to Mushemaguntuck and free us from the sorcery of Malazan, the evil king of the Land of Anomander. It is said in the prophecy that the one who comes will bear the mark of the House of Genabackis.”
At this the pig stopped. He turned to Randy. “Esquire, would you be so kind as to check the fur on the American cub’s back.”
Sterling then felt Randy reaching over and parting the fur on his back. Shash got up to look. Then Shash said in a quiet monotone, “The mark is there. He has the freckles of Nimrod.”
The Senator looked very grave. He shook his head solemnly and said, “just as I suspected” before continuing.
“The prophecy states that the American will cross the Sea of Pain and kill the evil Dwarf Dunmagrung. There, in the dwarf’s horde, he will find the shards of the fell sword Tisten Andii, which, when combined with the blood of the water-witch Gumlau can be reforged.
To prove his fidelity and courage, the American will undergo nine tests of character and strength, and his successful completion of those tests will indicate that the Age of Mortigasgus is coming to a close. All will involve pain and privation. We expect that time to be now. Once the tests have been completed, the four clans of Baghadur will unite behind the new Ensi Mittani, and our woods will be freed of the accursed rule of Malazan forever!”
The last words hissed out of the big pig’s mouth with dramatic finality, except for a little cough at the end. A slight chirp, that was followed by a squeak. The pig turned his head away. Sterling sat petrified not knowing what to say, and the silence of the room was almost complete except for the odd rasping of the now shaking pig.”
Sterling, still stoned, was not sure what he had just heard. All he really remembered were the words “pain” and “privation”. He was about to say, “I don’t think I’m the ‘one’” but then realized that saying such a thing made him sound very much like the ‘one’. Confused, he was trying to think of a way to say “not me” without saying “not me” when he noticed something strange about the pig.
The pig sat shaking, his back to Sterling, and Sterling could not make out what he was doing. Still totally confused, he heard Randy make a snarfing noise to his side. When he turned and looked at the rabbit, he could see that Randy had his hand over his mouth, trying to conceal his laughter.
“Shit,” said Shash, breaking into a wide smile, “You two blew it.”
“Oh, FUCK,” yelled Randy, laughing. “We could have played this for weeks!”
The pig broke into peals of laughter. He turned around red faced and with tears running down his little eyes.
“Did you see his face?” He asked, “I thought he was going to shit himself.”
“None of that is true?” asked Sterling.
The three animals laughed.
“Unfortunately not.” Said the pig, “Did you think you dropped into some fourteen-year-old fan fiction novel?
“Where did you get the ‘fell sword Tisten Andii’?” Asked Randy.
The pig was still wiping his eyes. He made a circular gesture above his head with his hoof. “I don’t know. Maybe I stole it from the final book of G.R.R. Martin’s series.”
“I can’t wait to tell Dunmagrung that he is now an evil Dwarf,” said Shash.
Randy and the pig shook with renewed laughter.
Once their merriment subsided, the Senator took in a deep breath.
“Don’t mind us, Sterling,” He said. “We are just having a bit of fun at your American expense. All Americans think that everything is about them. The truth is, we already know why you are here. The faeries brought you. The question is ‘Why’? Let me assure you,” said the pig, once again sitting back and wiping his face with his handkerchief, “You’re not here because we need your help. You’re here because you need ours. And the faeries, as always, have only done half the job. They got you here, but left on their merry way, and we have no idea what you need. As much as we would like to, since it’s the neighborly thing to do, we can’t help you.”
“Makes the Sea of Pain sound a bit more attractive, doesn’t it?” said Randy.
“The only real question is,” continued the pig, “ ‘why only one?’ Americans always come in pairs. Always two, no more, no less; a boar and a sow, always.”
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
[Next Chapter: Chapter 7: Peggy Sigma Zedd]