One Day in the Life of Ivanka the Bitch, Chapter 19

Chapter 19:

10.45am — Ivankarella

Join businesswoman Ivanka Tupolevka on the day she’s about to lose everything in the apocalyptic gulag of her divorce, with Brexshit to deal with, no HRT and surrounded by ‘fuckers’, will she ever escape the psycho ex and save her daughter?

Leaving the hospital with Artur…

Oh shit, what’re all these messages from Tit? I thought she was sorted! Right, there’s some marketing conference at the Provincial Club she’d forgotten she was supposed to be going to in all the excitement and she’s just found out that Watkins-Jones is supposed to be attending. Thinks I should go in her place could make a ‘really cool impression’ on him! Aw, good girl!

Perfect opportunity to introduce myself and strike up a conversation with him, get a feel for how to phrase those proposals that would most likely appeal to him in the future too. I’m good at that stuff. Impact! He won’t forget me in a hurry.

The personal touch is always handy to make an application stand out even if it is all in the bag. Could be the start of a very lucrative relationship and you should build on every opportunity to strengthen it for future income, who knows what other opportunities there are that this could lead to? This is fate, destiny, this was meant to be! Thank you universe! I know you’ve always got my back! Suck on that, fried up Dalek turd! You’re turning to dust in my wake now…

David Gauke, Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice no less, is the speaker. Wow! They’ve got some pull then… Yeah, he’ll be down to keep the brainwashing going. Is that what the taxi driver was going on about? Some kind of riot planned and he was going to knock off for the day?

Ooh, sumptuous three-course lunch included! Bingo! I won’t have to have that bloody soup now. I know it's good for me but… well Artur can have it, it’s good for him too. No, but he loves occasions like this, he should come. But there’s only one ticket and you have to book these things in advance. What am I going to say? No! He’s going fishing, he loves that, why spoil it? He deserves a break. He really does. And so do I, I did promise myself this morning. But it’s the Provincial Club, favourite haunt of the Ex and most Execrable Pus… Hmm… would the stingy fucker still be paying for membership now he’s spending all his days polluting the Med? Even if he’s not there, various people will be, they’ll probably mention…

Oh, who cares? Let them see me now. We’re all professionals. Anyway, I’m a winner and they can all eat my … ooh! “Hello, Ashwin, how’s it going?”

“Hello Miss Iwank Topolka, werry werry good thank you, how are you?”

“Very good thanks, waiting with baited breath! What’s the latest?”

“Werry good news! The lender has passed you to their underwriters. It’s looking werry positive madam! May I politely remind you that vee have claimed that you no longer have any outstanding unpaid debts. Now madam it is werry important that you do not use your credit cards for any reason in the next forty-eight hours while they conclude their searches.”

“Seriously? Why would that impact it?”

“Madam it vill veaken your application. Ver you planning to make a purchase? Ve can always apply another time?”

“No, no, no, not at all. That’s great, fine, well fingers crossed, I’ll hear from you soon.”

That’s good, things are turning around, hopefully. God, I hope so! Or I’ll just have to sell The Grove and run.

“Oh Sweetie! What are you doing out here?” And there he is, my Sir Galahad Artur has tracked me down, “I was looking for you everywhere! Kate wanted to know all about my cousin, you know, Agnieszka the orthopaedic surgeon who comes over as a locum every summer. She might be able to get her an executive position here in Wales! So, I’m just getting all her details down, won’t be long!”

“Oh yeah? Is that all you were getting down?”

Yes, this country needs all the help it can get with its health service but really? She tracked him down for that, did she? She thought to herself this morning, ‘I’m going to spend precious time asking every patient I meet today for leads to fix the NHS.’ Lord strike me down now before I throttle him!

“Can’t you leave it for now? You’re here every day and I’m going to be late for the Prov’.”

“Oh no poppet, no, you didn’t tell me you were going to that capitalist hell hole today, this is the first I’ve heard of it!”

“Well, maybe,” I jut my chin out, “that’s because I can never get a word in edgeways, you’re either wittering on about something or chasing skirt!” And there’s my Mother again grabbing my steering wheel. He didn’t deserve that and he’s ill for god’s sake. Well, maybe he deserved it a bit.

“But isn’t that where…? Oh no lovey, you’re not going there again. Remember the last time? Took you weeks to get over it. No darling, you promised. It didn’t do you any good, it didn’t do the business any good and it made you feel more than a little used and dirty. You didn’t get out of bed for two days after.”

God, he looks so smug in his sense of moral superiority. Well, that ain’t gonna put bread on our table this summer is it?

“That wasn’t a marketing conference, it was my solicitor trying to cheer me up. She didn’t know all his mates would be there at the same social. And that was during all the court hearings. Didn’t have this business then. You’re thinking about the time we were fighting about the cleaning business I had when I met him. Unbelievable! The cheek of the man, claiming I came into the marriage with nothing! This is totally different. Watkins-Jones is going to be there and you know how much I, we, need this contract. It’s make or break! And besides, that was a couple of years ago and I won, all water under the bridge now, and we’ve all moved on. Nobody cares about other people’s stuff after about five minutes nowadays. Yesterday’s bog roll or whatever. Anyway…” I stroke his lovely beard, “I’ve grown in stature since, or so you keep telling me! All your loving care and attention has healed me. I can handle this! Water off a duck’s arse!”

He doesn’t look convinced. “Right, ok, but I’m coming with you then.”

“No, you’re bloody well not! I’m a businesswoman in my own right. I don’t need a man by my side. Just leave me to do what I do best. I have a great business again now, things are different, we’re on the up, not on the back foot anymore. Nobody will even remember all that stuff. People get divorced all the time, I won’t be the only one who’s moved on.”

“Darling, you’ll drink fizzy stuff and that’ll upset your stomach and then you’ll eat all the wrong food...”

“I won’t I promise, it’s just a light salad on the menu.” Why do I feel like a nine-year-old truant? It’s my goddamn hard earned life!

Yeah, you can look at me disapprovingly, but you know your chances of winning while I’m in this mood are nil.

“Have you taken your pills?”

“Yes I have, I took it when I got into work this morning.”

“Ok, then but I think I should pick you up.”

“No, I need the car, if anyone wants the info packs I can nip out and get them. I’m not wheeling around…”

“Calm down it was just a helpful suggestion. In that case, promise me solemnly that you won’t drink. You take too many chances when you’re like this.”

“Like what?”

“When you’re all hormonal. You’re not in your… Look, have you considered what I was reading to you the other day? Getting an ovarian transplant?”

“Are you bloody kidding me? It’s taken fifty-two years for me to start getting comfortable in my own skin and you want me to let another woman in? How many times have we discussed epigenetics? It’s not just spiritual nonsense. I don’t want another woman inside me! It’s bad enough I have to listen to my Mum running through my head all day long, picking on everything I do. You don’t understand what that’s like! Your mum is lovely.”

I’m crying again, damn these feelings, I’m stronger than this. Full sobs now as he cradles me. But he has finally shut up.

My body is my body is my body is my body! We are what we are. Why is that not good enough? Why is everyone always suggesting we should be cutting things out and sticking things in? How do they know, how do I know where my body ends and my personality, my being, my soul begins? You can’t go mucking them all up like that!

“OK, I’m just a phone call away. Don’t forget to leave your phone on even if it’s on silent.”

To tell the shameful truth a small part of me is actually getting quite excited about re-entering enemy territory and smashing it to pieces. It’ll be quite satisfying to gloat, I mean they’re bound to ask, about vindicating myself in court in spite of all their intimidation!

I’m not the cowering little woman anymore. I’m out there making it on my own and in a big way. The universe is rewarding me for my bravery and putting that contract right in my lap. And that’ll be just the start, plenty more to come once my message gains traction and an event like this with all the top people there is a perfect way to promote myself. Thank you, God, the universe, and whoever else is out there smiling down on me. Yes, you may throw bolts of horrendous period pain and hormones and financial distress at me, but that’s just so I can overcome it. These daily challenges are just sent to remind me… I’m a hero!

“Right, I’d better drop you off at the marina and get back to the office to pick up my business cards. Promise me you won’t keep ringing me to see how I’m getting along. Trust me, I’ve got this! Do you trust me? Good, then I’ll come down to the barrage and join you. We’ll get some whiting again for tea and have a laugh about all the whisky-soaked fascists.”

“That’s my girl!” He lifts me up. “You’ll remember again what life’s really about. You always forget when you come back to Cardiff. It’s like kryptonite to you. And, we can celebrate!”

“Celebrate what?”

“The application, it’s going through no problem!”

“How do you know about the application?”

“Vera just told me.”

Christ, she really is a witch. Was she listening to me on the phone?

“Has she been spying on me? Did you ask her to? You don’t bloody trust me as far as you could throw me, do you? Why are you looking at me like that? What? Are you going to tell me next that she’s got a crystal ball?”

“She filled it out for me and signed it off. My application for attendance allowance? That’s why I’ve never introduced you properly. Until you do finally see sense and get the courage to marry me, I didn’t want her getting confused, putting down the wrong thing. People always make assumptions and it’s dangerous when you’re living on the breadline, one wrong box ticked and you’re starving. She’s so busy here she had to take it home you know, it takes hours to fill out all those forms. I’m just glad she liked the basket.”

Assumptions… they really do make arses out of us. “So why didn’t you ask me to do the form for you?” I ask to mask the shame of once again treating him the disgusting way my Mum treats him and most people, come to think of it. There’s no second chances with her, first impressions more than count, they are the indelible mark whereby any particular soul is saved or condemned for all eternity. There is no room for modification or grey area as that reeks of compromise and compromise is weakness so you can’t win. I know that she will never accept him and hate myself for punishing him for it, though I would never ask him or anyone to change. So there we are.

“Because you’ve got enough on your plate, sausage.”

Oh God, it must be hormones, I can’t stop myself… “Is it? Or is it that you like to spread yourself around, get as many women doing as many things as possible for you? How come she thinks I’m your daughter? It’s just a numbers game for you lot isn’t? You’re all the same! Cast your net wide enough, one of us idiots will bite, or whatever you call it, won’t we. Always the sucker for a sob story, that’s me!”

“Darling! She does these forms every day, so there’s no one better to ask is there? She knows what they need to hear. Come here, little twitnog, come on, I’m going to introduce you properly now, come on!”

“No it’s fine, seriously, I’m not interested.”

“It’s upset you, so I’m putting it right. You don’t get to hurl accusations at me and then walk away, our deal goes both ways remember? Anyway, it’s all gone through now so I’m not worried about her getting anything mixed up.”

“Vera, I’m not sure you’ve met my fiancee Ivanka.”

“(Stop saying fiancee!) Hello again, yes, not quite up the aisle yet! Just waiting for everything to calm down. Sorry about the confusion earlier.”

“Oh, is this the young lady you were telling me about? She’s lovely!”

“Yes saved my life twice she did, drove me from the house to the hospital in under eighteen minutes the first time, ten minutes the second time.”

“Well, you learn to ignore the traffic lights, second time. Every second counts…”

“Yes my darling girl woke up to find me sat at the bottom of her bed, clutching my chest, freezing cold but pouring sweat. But she knew instantly what to do, called them up, refused an ambulance and threw me in the car saying she’d get me there quicker.”

“Yes, all my fault, the world still has to suffer his presence haha!”

“Ah poor lamb! Must have been a real shock for you finding him like that.”

“Oh, it most certainly was! Hell of a shock finding him there on my bed. He was supposed to be sleeping in the spare room! He was… supposed to be… you know, in the spare room… oh never mind,” does nobody have a sense of humour nowadays? “He’s ok now and that’s the main thing, we just need to keep looking after him, keeping him safe, so I must thank you for doing that application for him. It all helps, very important.”

“You’re alright love, just part of the service. Oh hello, Mr Cartwright, what can I do you for today?”

“It’s ok Vera I’ve come to speak to Artur’s missus here. That porno you said you were in, I think I found it, was it ‘Ivanka the Spanker’?”

And, breathe…

“You do know that was just a wind-up, don’t you? Nobody here seems to get jokes! Look, I get embarrassed when he keeps going on about the old days. I wrote and made proper films, many years ago, before my ex put an end to it all, yes, the jealous type, that’s right. And don’t bother to look them up, really poor production values and all that, hours and hours of your life you’ll never…. er….” Oh shit, what am I saying? Don’t remind him of his imminent demise…

“Oh don’t worry love, your secret’s safe with me!” He talks straight over me and tapping the side of his nose… “So, er… do you have a promotional code for this subscription?”

…

Ah well, maybe he’ll be happy for me to stay in the car from now on.

“Promise me now you will be very careful today. I hate the thought of you feeling you have to toady up to all those capitalist thugs and stuffed shirts! Knighted for services to sycophancy!”

“The business needs this right now, then we’ll be ok, this one contract will make all the difference. Prove the concept then Bob’s you uncle, we’re off, rolling the water recycling out to every hospital in the country. We’ll be made and the kids will be looked after forever. I can die in peace!”

“Try as I might…”

Oh, there’s the face, why’s he got to get so serious, can’t he just back me up on the plan? You know it’s the easiest thing in the world to be a non-believer in anything, to troll someone’s dreams and aspirations, he’s not supposed to do this! That’s not our deal.

“…there seems to be nothing I can do to stop you hurtling yourself off cliffs into a sea of parochialism, just trying to appease people who don’t have your best interests at heart! I’m trying to save you from drowning in lost causes! You’ll never fix your family or Cardiff, or the world, try as you might. Come live with me! When are you going to wake up to the fact that I love you more than life itself? I can’t wait for this whole goddam business to fail so you can start living! You never have! You’ve spent your whole life chasing your tail, your mum, that poor excuse for a man and those kids. You were never really married. Let me show you what a real husband is. Just say when and it will happen!”

“I’ve put everything into this business! Everything I’ve ever earned my whole entire life and everything I sacrificed and made my children suffer for and go without, and you think I can walk away? You would never understand! There’s no point talking about it! What have you ever lost?”

Un…fucking…believable! That’s me.

He takes my face in his enormous hands. “I’m going to let that pass because I know the girl that brought me back to life wouldn’t say that. It’s Cardiff, your family, this dreadful business, all eating you alive. Give it all up! Marry me! Father Ned says you’re the most spiritual creature he’s ever come across, I’m not joking, even if you do duck and dive out of attending services. You’re a different person when you stay with me. That’s my Ivanka.”

Oh Christ. I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t speak about “us”. I can’t allow myself ever again to go to a place where’s there’s no quick, easy escape route.

“I’ve got to go, it’s getting late.”

Next Chapter… 11.22 am Resistance is Futile…

https://readmedium.com/one-day-in-the-life-of-ivanka-the-bitch-chapter-20-a811a2b69092

To start from the beginning…