Chapter 13: A Toast!

[The previous chapters of this long piece of dreck may be found here. I don’t think this will make any sense if you haven’t read the previous parts.]

The four animals; Badger, Shash the bear, Randy Rabbit, and the transmogrified Sterling Macy, who was now a skunk, turned from the underground hallway of Badger’s den and into the kitchen. Each was consumed with their own particular apprehensions.

Shash was worried about the money he owed the Grand Prix Wizard of Checkerboard square, who, as the group came around the corner, was right in the middle of the kitchen, sitting at the far side of a long table, wearing a tee shirt that said “I Am A Motherfucker.” His arms crossed in front of him. His “bad Santa” white hair and weird beard framed a face that was focused directly on the group as they turned the corner. The wizard didn’t look angry, but he didn’t look happy, either. He was focused. Shash regretted borrowing money from the Wizard. He had only borrowed it because the wizard liked to lend money, and, to be honest, Shash liked to borrow money. Shash had borrowed the money to give to his sister. Since he had promised never to give his sister another cent, or lend her any money under any circumstances, giving her money that technically belonged to the wizard allowed him to help her out without “walking back” his previous tough love ultimatums. Now that it was clear he was going to have to repay the wizard, it stood to reason that the money he had given her was his, and he had fucked up co-dependent relationship with his sister once again.

Randy the rabbit was not worried about the wizard. He was irritated by the presence of his archest of enemies, the Brown Fox. She was sitting next to the Grand Prix Wizard of Checkerboard Square. The light of Badger and Mole’s modernist-minimalist kitchen highlighting her simple, plain good looks. Randy was annoyed because the Brown Fox had, years ago, duped him into what he called a “Mick Jagger Bali Trick”, a reference to Mick Jagger’s marriage to Jerry Hall on the Island of Bali, a marriage that was not recognized by the Indonesian government and, therefore, British Law. While not really the same, Randy and Brown Fox’s situation was similar. They had signed a contract after a playing a gig at Mr. Mildew’s Mill. Randy had orchestrated the event with the intent of getting the fox to sign, and things had worked just as he hoped. Their performance was great, the crowd was loving, the other bands praised their performance, and Mr. Mildew, a magistrate, was in his office with the proper seals. The fox was buzzed and happy, and since they had said they might ink the contract here, they did. Months later, during a particularly bitter fight, the Brown Fox let it drop that Mr. Mildew’s Mill is not, technically, within the Fire District of Mushamaguntic, and, therefore, the publishing rights to all of their music remained with her as per their original contract with the dragon. She told him he “couldn’t quit the band” because he was “never in the band.” Then she said, “I guess the trickster got tricked” and smiled her toothy smile.

Sterling, not knowing anyone in the room, was simply worried that he might spray. Since becoming a skunk, he had developed this newfound fear. He also worried, with a sort of diffused, total, psychogenic-fog-inducing, undifferentiated fear, about who the new creatures were and what they might expect of him. What he worried about most was being asked “what was he doing?” because he had no idea, which was fine, so long as nobody asked him about it.

Badger, who was beset on all sides by innumerable responsibilities and expectations which he met with determination, courage, planning, and competence, was worried that mole might be getting depressed. He could see mole slipping further and further into the blues. Of all the tasks before him, the growing hole in Mole’s chest, which he couldn’t feel or see but which he understood, caused him no small amount of worry. There was nothing he could do, but that didn’t stop him from trying. He hoped that a house full of friends and perhaps some music might stop his partner’s downward trajectory.

When the four creatures walked into the kitchen there were a number of simultaneous conversations despite Badger’s attempt to suck all of the air out of the room by clapping his hands together and shouting enthusiastically, “Well, we are finally gathered. Let’s eat.”

Shash had looked straight at the wizard and said, “I have your money,” to which the wizard replied, “I know you do.”

Randy Rabbit opened with the salvo, “Here’s the bixen who kept my kids from going to private school.” “Bixen” is a well-worn portmanteau of “bitch” and “vixen.”

“Good to see you, too, Randy,” said the fox in reply.

Mole was standing behind a very nice looking counter tending pots that were simmering on a stove. When the group entered, he turned his attention to a matching set of porcelain bowls and said, “Now everyone please sit down. We want to get started and we have to say grace.” Then he turned to Sterling and said, “Sterling, could you help me pass these out? Just put one down in front of where creatures are standing.”

Mole moved with precision towards the bowls and began to hand them to Sterling. They were filled with water and what looked like a single sprig of herb or seaweed. Badger came over to the counter and also began to help pass out the bowls.

“Mise en place, Mise en place” Mole chanted to himself as he handed out the bowls, and once they were all set out he said, “OK, now everyone take you places so Badger can say grace.”

Badger took up his spot at the head of the table, those that were sitting stood up, and everyone picked up their bowl and held it before them. Sterling followed the crowd.

“We thank thee, O (and here Badger made some indecipherable noise that sounded a bit like quacking) for the day And for our friends And for this food, for our use And for our lives, which we dedicate to your loving service”

And then everyone quacked! There was no mistake. Sterling was shocked. Everyone one at the table, except for Randy Rabbit, made a quacking sound that sounded exactly like a duck.

Then they all bowed their heads into the bowls, grabbed the greens with their mouths, and ate them. When the wizard did so, he mushed his mouth and beard into the bowl, as did Randy. Badger, Mole, Shash, and the Brown Fox each submerged their noses, then licked the greens out and sucked them up like spaghetti.

Aware of his own snout, Sterling did the same. He submerged his nose in the bowl… the water was warm and salty… and withdrew it, then used his tongue to lick up the greens. They were soggy and pungent. They tasted very green.

When the bowls were set down on the table, Mole began to gather them up, everyone else sat down except Badger who started pouring wine from a pitcher into saucer-like bowls at everyone’s place. As he did so, he said, “The ratio is 2 to 1” with each pour.

With the bowls picked up, Badger lifted his saucer.

“To war,” he shouted. “To death! To blood and guts. To the fear that unmasks cowardice and manufactures heroes!”

Everyone shouted “Here! Here!” and then started drinking. Everyone, that is, except Sterling.

Next Chapter: Something About Wizards