Changing our outlook on heartbreaks

Why do we feel so bad if someone just saved us from future trouble?

We’ve all been there… hurting, angry and frustrated that the absolute love of our life just left like it’s nothing. If you’re lucky there might be some remorse and you get some ‘closure’ but at the end of the day, it hurts all the same.

What is a heartbreak?

It is a state of devastating emotional loss, explains behavioral psychologist and relationship coach, Jo Hemmings. While different for all of us, the intense feelings of sadness, grief, and the overwhelming sense of never being able to get past the pain, are common.

In brain terms, the areas responsible for feeling physical pain ‘light up’ in the same way as if you’re actually in pain. It also triggers withdrawal symptoms very similar to those seen in [drug] addicts.

Heartbreaks can come as a massive shock to the system, disrupting our daily lives with emotional pain that finds ways to transform into physical.

The feeling in your chest like you’ve been punched with fire fists, the way your stomach walls close in and stop you from holding anything down there, the feelings of worthlessness, and the constant need to blame yourself even if you had no hand in it. Our bodies reacts so much, it is truly suffering.

Recovery from heartbreak can seem daunting, you have to climb a mountain of healing just to feel better or if you’re like me you might opt to numb the pain with terrible habits that provide only temporary solutions (not recommended).

My first heartbreak ached for so long, they say time heals everything, I didn’t think so. The longer it was, the more pain I felt. It affected my grades (sometimes you learn the hard way and refuse to let situations you can’t control have lasting impacts on your life), I had stopped eating, my mental health was deteriorating and worse I was ashamed. I did not know how to face my ‘friends’… simply put, it made me feel like a failure.

Recovery lasted for almost a year, perhaps it was because of how desperate I was to be accepted back and so I kept a little torch of hope lit. He didn’t make it easier, calling to ‘see how I was doing’, walking down memory lane with me and disappearing at the junction, leaving me lost. Eventually, I had to face my friends and wear a mask of indifference, crying only in the dark. I never fully unpacked the pain and what it truly meant to me, I just ‘moved on’ with questions unanswered and a heart surrounded by tall fences.

There are things I wish I had known back then at 15 when I had my first heartbreak, I can’t go back in time but I can share with you seven tips than can help you heal a broken heart.

How to get over a heartbreak

We have to change how we look at heartbreaks first of all. Why do we feel so bad if someone just saved us from future trouble? This question has kept me awake many nights because why are we angry instead of thankful? How can we not see the kindness that has been bestowed upon us?

1. Accept your new reality

Accepting what has happened is truly the first step to healing. Things have changed now and it will reflect in your reality. Life is no longer the same and you have to create a new reality, a desirable new reality. Accept and allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

2. Be thankful

I know how this sounds. Your heart is bleeding and there is no room for gratitude. Hear me out… Gratitude is medicine, when you are thankful for what you still have, it can spark peace and feelings of joy that will cement that void with time. Be thankful that it happened now, be thankful that you dodged a bullet, be thankful for what is coming next. Just be thankful.

3. Find your support system

Now is the time you need your friends and family. You need them to hold you upright, keep you from drowning in pain. It is important to have people who you can break down in front of without having to worry about judgment. Find your tribe, open up to them, share experiences, binge watch Grey’s anatomy together (guaranteed to make you all cry), and remember you’re not alone.

4. Cut communication

Nothing slows down healing like returning to the source of your pain. Whether it’s stalking that person or reaching out, you are only ruining your progress. Remove anything that triggers hurtful memories, the pictures, the messages, delete it all. If the couch you got together is triggering painful memories, sell it!Refrain from drunk texting (guilty!) and give your self the utmost respect you deserve. You’ve got this.

5. Get busy

Getting busy doesn’t have to be about immersing yourself in work to forget your new reality. It’s about spending time doing things you love. Find that joy. See a movie, go for painting classes, take up a new hobby and most importantly create. Whatever it is, create. Let this pain fuel your creativity, your best works might come from it, pretty ironic right?

6. Forgive

It might sound absurd to forgive the person who is causing your pain because you feel they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness is a two-way street, it’s not only about the offender, it’s about you too. Forgiveness allows you to let things go and I know the pain of holding on to hurt, it shrinks you. Forgive when it’s hard, it will open your heart to blessings, you will breathe easier and your heart will heal quicker.

7. Take care of yourself

When you’re going through a breakup it becomes easy to neglect yourself because who cares right? Now is the time to be soft with yourself, practice yoga, give your body all that it needs. You are worthy, every inch of you is, so bask in that. Listen to your body and collaborate with it to heal. At the end of the day, you are all that you’ve got and you must do everything to protect yourself.

Final thoughts

Healing time varies. Every one of us has a distinct path to healing but we share the same struggles along the way. One minute it looks easy, the next you’re suffocating from the weight of pain. Take your time, find what feels good (in Yoga with Adriene’s voice), learn from the experience and be the best version of yourself.

Thank you for reading.