Change is a comma, not a full stop.

Lessons from a success-obsessed world

I learned this the hard way.

Just a couple of months ago I thought I had a lot going for me. I was finishing up my final semester at college, running my own business and had just moved into a gorgeous new apartment. Having subscribed to the #keephustling way of life, things couldn’t have been better. It wasn’t all perfect but I was happy.

And then a lot of things changed, fast. I graduated from college, my business failed, some relationships soured and I had more time on my hands than I was ready for. And I really struggled to deal with the sudden change. I’m not a control freak in the slightest but even for someone like me, this was too much variability to digest. I won’t go into the details of the business here as my co-founder has already written extensively about that (Read more here: The Founding, The Growth, The End).

This piece is more focused on my thoughts throughout the whole process and the advice that changed my perspective.

Phase #1: The Realization

My initial reaction was anxiety. I was unable to digest the loss of control over so many things in life at once.

The first big change was graduating from college.

For as long as I can remember, my perception of time had been based on a semester schedule: Summer break, Fall classes, Winter break, Spring classes, so on and so forth. I wasn’t accustomed to the idea that my time could be my own. And at first, this felt awesome. I thought I could tackle anything. The hours I would have spent in classrooms could now be dedicated to the company. I was confident that we would continue to grow and have an impact on the industry.

Except that’s not how it played out. A few months after graduating, things at the company started to feel unsettling. Fast forward the drama that ensued, the company was insolvent and had to be shut down. This affected me for two major reasons: (1) a lot of the problems that led to the downfall of the company could have been avoided had I paid more attention to the factors at play and (2) my narrative of my path to success broke down.

You see, I had a plan for my life; a narrative I had constructed over the years in my subconscious that guided my decisions under the hood.

I wanted to be a successful entrepreneur which meant I yearned for an exit at a young age, clout in the startup world, and experience under my belt to do bigger and greater things.

When the company failed I struggled to reconcile the reality with the narrative. All of a sudden my life went into limbo. I didn’t have classes to go to, an office to show up to and a plan for what lies ahead. The same apartment that I was so excited to move into now seemed lifeless. I closed myself off and my social life went for a toss.

Phase #2: The Coping Mechanism

Not knowing what to do, I fell into two kinds of routines: binging TV shows and hastily trying to reinvent my life. You might think that those are quite antithetical in nature but they were actually feeding into one another.

To deal with what had happened, I started to think a lot. I questioned my motivations, my dreams, my skills and everything else under the sun. I thought I would be able to mindmap or kanban my way out of this.

The problem with this approach was that I was simply asking the questions “Who am I?” and “What should I do next?” as though the answers were deep inside of me and if I could just write it out my life would all make sense. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t given myself any time to relax, be in the moment and let life take its course. I was trying to force outcomes just so I could find a path to walk on.

And when I’d run out of thoughts to write down, I would fire up the TV and look for meaning in TV shows and movies.

As you can see, this is almost all from the same day. I was binge watching Naruto because it’s a show that deeply explores ideas about destiny, duty, and life. I hoped I’d stumble upon a tidbit of advice that would help me realize what was going on with my life. This isn’t my way of saying that TV is bad. However, it was negatively affecting me because I used it as a crutch for what was going on in my life. I spent hours watching content to numb my brain and focus away from problems. Once I’d get tired of this, I’d go back to the drawing board to do some more thinking.

And all of this put me in a mental gridlock for months without me realizing. I thought I was making progress but I was really running nowhere fast.

Phase #3: The Naked Truth

After spending months in limbo, I realized very recently after a conversation with one of my closest friends what was actually going on. It wasn’t so much a lightbulb kind of moment but more like a puzzle coming together to make sense. All the problems, anxieties and doubts were coming from a common place: The expectations of my subconscious narrative not manifesting in real life.

Let me break that down. As I said earlier, I had constructed a narrative for my life that silently worked to direct my choices and motivations. Anytime I would do something or see a result that didn’t fit into this narrative, I’d feel like I was walking down the wrong path.

Acknowledging and understanding this was incredibly challenging for me because it questioned a core pillar of my identity. But at the same time, it was beautifully liberating. I no longer had to create my own scorecard for my life and compare my actions against that. I learned to appreciate the chaos and go with the flow.

Phase #4: The Wisdom

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister a while ago. I was home for the holidays and we were out on a walk in the city.

She turned to me and asked, “When did you lose your childhood?”

I didn’t know what she meant then. I thought to myself doesn’t everyone lose their childhood growing up? I now realize that children have this ability to simply be in the moment and experience it to the fullest, whether its joy or pain. They laugh when they feel like, they cry when they feel like. What a beautiful way to live.

To anyone else struggling with change, missed expectations or uncertainty about the future I would urge you to find and acknowledge your narrative. And once you understand it, let it go. There is no point in building a story of your life looking forward. It only makes sense looking back.

If you enjoyed reading this please, comment, share and follow. I’ll be writing a lot more going forward.

And stay tuned for what lies ahead for me. I’ll be sure to share!

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