Change How You Listen To Her With One Simple Skill For Amazing Results

A priceless skill I learned in mediation training and use in practice that I find extremely helpful off the clock.

“There’s a difference between hearing and listening,” -Sidney Deane, played by Wesley Snipes in “White Men Can’t Jump”

To tell you the truth when a much younger me watched that iconic 90’s comedy, he didn’t think there was that much of a difference. However, there is a difference, perhaps not as Sidney put it, but there is.

Now as a mediator, I can tell you one of the most valuable devices in my toolkit is a skill called, active listening. It enables me to fully engage the parties, to get their perspectives, articulate the real issues at stake, and understand how they feel about them.

This is one skill that is also extremely helpful at home because it has made me a better person to talk to and I can easily get the actual gist of whatever she is trying to tell me.

“The hearing comes naturally but the listening is a skill acquired.” -Anonymous

It means when you are listening you don’t just hear, you actively listen. Whenever you do this, she will appreciate talking to a thoughtful listener who is genuinely interested in what she has to say.

Active listening when practiced turns you into a good listener in no time.

Talking with you, she knows she will be listened to, understood, validated when necessary, and she will experience the relief that comes with getting things off her chest.

Whenever you do this, she will appreciate she is talking to a thoughtful listener that is genuinely interested in what she has to say.

What it means to be a good listener

It means when she is talking to you she finds you fully engaged and interested in what she is saying. You make her feel safe to express her thoughts and emotions.

When you are a good listener you listen do understand first, not to answer back or debate.

How to be a good listener:

1. Giver her your complete attention free of distractions. You can’t be “listening” and engrossed with your phone at the same time.
2. Your main aim is to connect with her and gain her perspective, not to argue or pick holes in the narrative.
3. Pay attention to non-verbal cues like facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, etc., because they give hints on the meanings behind the words.
4. When you can ask questions it’s to get clarification. This is an essential step before venturing your opinion, advice or offering a fix because it gives her a chance to add details that she may have overlooked.
5. Although you try as much as possible not to interrupt, you can give her feedback at appropriate intervals so that she knows she is being listened to and that you are not just simply nodding with the occasional “um hum”, while your mind is a million miles away.
6. Another thing that helps, once you get the hang of it is to summarize, in your own words, what she has just said. Apart from demonstrating that you were listening to her, it gives her a chance to clear up any misunderstanding you may have.

“You can’t be ‘listening’ and engrossed with your phone at the same time.”

The benefits of listening well

1. Strengthens the relationship by putting you in tune with her feelings and enabling you to practice emotional responsiveness.
2. Good listening promotes understanding because you make the effort to really understand what she is telling you. This naturally means fewer misunderstandings.
3. It can help resolve any conflict quickly before it escalates.
4. It builds trust and confidence in the relationship because you create a comfort zone where is free to express her thoughts and emotions knowing you will be there to listen and understand.

Conclusion

Being a good listener is a skill that you continue to perfect with practice, there are immediate results. Once you begin to practice it you will begin to experience not only improved communication with your partner but an overall improved relationship. All thanks to the enhanced feeling of trust, understanding, confidence, and mutual respect.