Challenging people to think differently

Don’t argue

When you are trying to win over the other side arguing is not the way.

Focus on their values and beliefs

Forget what you value and believe. Focusing on what is important to you will not allow you to convince others of anything. Find out what the other side values and leverage their values to show them that that their argument is in conflict with their own values and beliefs.

Case in point

Sometimes I hang out with people from diverse backgrounds. Two of my friends start arguing about pornography. The following question comes up, is pornography bad? Both argue from their own POV and neither is winning the other side over to their viewpoint.

Values and beliefs held by my friend

I know that one of my friends values the following things:

• A libertarian worldview which emphasizes: * Autonomy of individuals * Freedom of choice * Voluntary association

This friend believes the following things:

1. In any sexual encounter, both parties must give consent prior to having intimate relations.
2. Deepfakes are bad because a woman has a right over the use of her own image.
3. The sex trade financially exploits women. Even if women can make money in this industry they have historically made less money than the males who control it.

Challenging my friend on the basis of their values

I asked my friend if pornography which doesn’t conflict with his values and beliefs existed. He was initially confused by my question. I proposed the following challenge.

Find me a model who:

1. Provided their initial consent at the time the media was created.
2. Continues to provide consent for the distribution of their image on the internet.
3. Anticipates that they will not regret this decision 1–2 years from now. (i.e. they believe they will still give consent for the distribution of their image in the future.)
4. The model in question is the largest financial beneficiary of any commercial profit made from her image.
5. The model in question identifies herself as being more attractive than 8 out of 10 women in her country of origin.
6. Poses nude.

The point is to know what the other side values

Trying to convince others based on our values won’t work. We have to listen to others and truly understand their point of view. Our attempt to persuade others should leverage their own values and beliefs. By demonstrating that we understand their values and appreciate their beliefs we demonstrate tactical empathy. Once the other side feels that someone empathizes with their values they will be more willing to make concessions and acknowledge that their own reasoning isn’t always consistent.

What do you think?

When have you challenged people to think differently? Were you successful? Did you leverage your own values or did you consider their values? Do you know of a model who meets all six criteria?

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