Ch. 8: To All the White Girls I’ve Loved Before

Forget Marcia. I had a thing for Jan.

“In this country, what we call education is actually indoctrination, and it takes us from the age of 5 to the age of 18 to thoroughly indoctrinate people so that they will believe in the myth of white superiority.” ~ Jane Elliott, Red Table Talk

Are there any memories more profound for a teen boy, or a man — or an even older man writing a memoir — than the memories of the girls or women he saw on television for whom he pined and had crushes as a child? For many young boys, those will be their first “loves.”

Too young to realize that the paragons of beauty they’re seeing on screen are not real, we are at a very early age taught about what society says is beauty, perfection, and the standards by which every girl (or woman) is judged in real life.

As someone who engaged in television viewing at a very early age, I have a rather long list of pixie manic dream girls who captured my heart from behind the red, green, and blue pixels of my CRT TVs.

My earliest memory was Darla, from the Little Rascals. As Alfalfa and Porky battled for her affection, my young 6- or 7-year-old heart knew I could write a better poem.

The first time I remember seeing Jan Brady was when I was at the dinner table. The Brady Bunch was on and when I saw her long, golden hair, my heart skipped a beat. Yes, Marcia had long hair too. But there was something about that younger Jan’s innocence and “girl next door” vibe that appealed to my sensitive soul.

I really had a thing for that “girl next door.” I used to dream about rescuing Dorothy from the wicked witch of the West.

I also had a thing for girls in space—or from space. Little Tia Malone from Escape to Witch Mountain made the harmonica in my heart play a jig. But it was Penny Robinson who stands out as one of the most memorable crushes from my youth.

In fact, The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies, and the only reason I let my mother talk me into watching what looked at the time like a boring movie about kids having a picnic on a grassy mountain, was that I immediately recognized that Penny was in it.

[Note: I distinctly remember a joke from Arsenio Hall in the ’90s where he said something along the lines of “You never see bruthas walking down the street singing show tunes.” I can neither confirm nor deny if that is not entirely a true statement.]

By this time in my life, I was old enough to separate actors from their characters and I knew that really wasn’t “Penny.” (For the uninitiated, it was American-British actress Angela Cartwright, little sister to Veronica Cartwright). But, she was still just as captivating.

The rest of the people who make up the “Hall of Flame” from my youth:

• Trini from 321 Contact: technically she was of Latin American descent, so you could make the argument that she was one of the few women of color I fawned over in my youth.

• Electra Woman from Electra Woman and Dyna Girl: imagine my excitement when I discovered that Deirdre Hall was a star on my mom’s favorite daytime soap opera, “Days of Our Lives.” So guess who started watching soap operas as a kid?

• Karen from the original Mickey Mouse Club: boy, how disappointed I was when I was old enough to understand that what I was watching were syndicated reruns about 20 years old. Both her and Darla were probably old hags by the time I was falling “in love” with them (well, Karen was probably only in her early 30s by the time I started watching the show. So, not quite an “old hag.” Darla on the other hand…

• Joy from the Bugaloos: yet another Sid & Marty Kroft creation that captured the imagination of an already imaginative little black boy. And Joy not only had the cute short skirt and “girl next door haircut,” but she had a British accent to boot!

I also can’t forget…

Well well well, my nigga. That is quite a list you have there.

And with that, HE made his first appearance in my life. The devil (or angel) disguised as Sam “Jules” Jackson. My life would never be the same after that.

Shit is about to get very weird up in here.

I hope you’ve been enjoying the chapters. Starting next week, April 1, they will roll out about twice a week (probably on Wednesdays and Saturdays.) Be sure to check back as we’re introduced to Sam’s character, and after that, things will never be the same.

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