Celebrating, Recovering
Excavating a hurt heart is challenging work
Writer’s Note: Most stories about substance abuse are painful and being secretive about the problem can be dangerous. I have chosen to keep anonymous a person in this story so I call him “Sam.” If I choose to write about this episode in my hoped-for memoir, I will secure permission to share more. I share this from my heart.
About two years ago, someone close to me, Sam, experienced an overdose with prescription painkillers. Over a three-day period, he ingested a deadly combination of pills, behaved erratically and wrecked his truck (twice!). I might not have known about these fateful mishaps if not for the call from a caring family friend on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
“Hi Julie, it’s Jim.” Jim and his wife are very dear people who also attend my church. “I’m not sure I should be telling you this. Have you heard about Sam?” I replied that I had not heard anything (trust me, I should have heard about this). Jim stumbled around a bit saying he wasn’t sure he should be telling me if I didn’t already know. “Jim,” I said, “You’re clearly concerned and you called me, so I think you should spill it.”
I listened to Jim recount the various travails he had experienced that weekend with Sam. Standing in a slant of winter sunlight in my sunroom, resolve to deal with this head-on hardened in my core.
Long story short, Sam ended up in the hospital that night. Not without a fight, mind you, but he made the right decision eventually. Over the next four months, I supported Sam as he worked to get back on track.
All of this turmoil with Sam triggered a lot of memories from my childhood. I found myself struggling with issues I honestly did not understand.
Finding Celebrate Recovery
That spring while my life was tangled up in Sam’s chaos, I heard a sermon on addiction and God tugged at my heart. I completed a card indicating my interest in a Step Study through my church’s Celebrate Recovery program.
Celebrate Recovery is described this way:
Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, 12 step recovery program for anyone struggling with hurt, pain or addiction of any kind. Celebrate Recovery is a safe place to find community and freedom from the issues that are controlling our life.
When I describe CR to the uninitiated, I say, ‘It’s for people with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. That’s pretty much everyone, right?” And I smile while they process what I just said.
Having turned in my interest card, I anxiously checked my email for days hoping I’d soon get details on the class I wanted to take. It didn’t take long and here’s the message I received:
“Julie, Thank you for your response card! I am praying for the needs you wrote in. If you want to talk about it, feel free to reply to this email, or give me a call.”
I immediately purchased the books I needed. I was unbelievably excited! Little did I know how that excitement would morph into moments of nervousness about opening up and, if truth be told, fear of exposure.
I’m a pretty buttoned-up person, so to dig deep and answer the weekly questions with openness was not easy at first. Personal pride is a hindrance to healing and God helped me be honest with a lovely group of ladies who shared similar life experiences, thoughts, and feelings. I found that I was not alone in my ache for some joy and goodness in my heart.
I am a competent and educated person. This is truly my strongest identity. But in our 5th lesson, the first line of the Principle 3 Prayer read, “Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own power, and I have failed.”
This is my daily prayer now. I am a mess and I need God’s help.
That is a hard thing to admit. I’m a mess. Wow! It took me months in the step study to come to that realization. Sure, I had problems I could recount, wrongs I’d committed… but calling myself “a mess?” The mother of epiphanies!
I wish I could give credit to the originator (there are numerous attributions out there), but we’ve all heard the statement: “The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.”
An important scripture for those on the recovery road is found in James 5:16. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
So, I have been busily “admitting” and walking the road to healing every day.
Catharsis comes when we purge ourselves of unwanted material. I continue to dig through my “stuff” to find more purgeable hurts and hang-ups.
Challenging, yet fulfilling, work
Have you ever had to deal with a hurt in your life? Or admit you’re damaged? Did it feel liberating and healing?
I hope reading this illuminated for you any need to purge that which is holding you back from true goodness in life. It’s important work on the road to personal growth and healing!
This first appeared on my blog at juliejranson.com