WEEKLY PROMPY | POETRY

Celebrating

Being OK with being vulnerable

A click

A tick

Of course

Geez, I have been thick

A pause on a quest Faith and trust the test Reason for delay Always finds a way

Known when the tears Revealed my inner fears Vulnerable to the max Dependency unpacks

Boj takes up the drink Weeks of sobriety sink Relying on others Especially mothers

Forces me to confront Independent conduct Safe walls smashed Beliefs trashed

A step closer to loving fully and free Unconditionally

Celebrating may seem weird But a lifelong block cleared Gifting me reasons to cheer Even without a beer!

A few weeks back I took a pause on an energy quest around love.

Proud of myself for not ploughing ahead like I used to. Listening to my intuition that I was not ready for the next bit.

I know now, the reason for the delay.

Today was the day I needed to watch the lesson I had been putting off.

My vulnerabilities peaking as I find myself horizontal with an ankle injury.

Walls of independency that I have built around me since I was a kid crumbling. I can and will do it myself mantra now questioned.

Reasons why I never let anyone fully into my heart obvious.

Never wanting to be let down if they couldn’t be there for me if I needed them.

If they left.

If they died.

Now here I am.

Boj (my partner) not being there for me in the capacity I expected. Expected because I have been there for him over the years.

Doing his best, but me… going back to longing for a list of what-ifs.

What if he stopped drinking. What if he was fully present for the girls and me, at a time we need him most. What if he cared for me like I cared for him.

Instead, I am relying on others.

My parents, inlaws, sister, brothers, mates, school Mums.

Immensely grateful to each and everyone of them. Their love and support overwhelming. Knowing I would do and have done the same for them.

Still, the feelings are there. Feeling helpless. Feeling like we are asking for too much. Feeling like we should be able to take care of ourselves. Always. Until we can’t.

Until I can’t.

With the support coming from others and not Boj, the fears started rearing their heads again.

Fear his love for me and the girls has disappeared. Fear his love of alcohol is greater than the love for his family. Fear of watching the booze slowly killing him, our relationship and our family.

A land of what-ifs, expectations and fear.

I understand he can’t be everything. I can’t be everything. Both of us learning together best we can with what-is. Taking each day as it comes.

Ice on my foot as opposed to chilling a beer and the prompt of celebrating signs to reflect.

I forgot. And forget.

I don’t have the best relationship with alcohol either. Boj a major reason I straightened my ways. Indulging occasionally but not like I used to. Boj being Boj, helped me stop.

When I focus only on what he is not doing I lose focus on what he is.

We help each other. Even when it isn’t intentional. Even it seems like it is unhelpful.

Sometimes I give, sometimes I take. Sometimes neither.

And that is ok.

I can’t keep breathing out, I have to breathe in at some stage. Holding a breath in another. Neither giving or taking. All part of the cycle.

I never thought I would be celebrating a busted ankle, but here I am.

Toasting it for the ripples of insight it has gifted me.

Weird. So so weird!

Amused to be a little less confused.

Thanks to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊. for this week’s prompt. I didn’t think I was up for this topic this week… thankful the words knew otherwise.

Belated birthday cheers to you too!

Thanks for reading

Thanks for being you