CDC Dating Guidance Revisions

CDC Cuts Relationship Rebound Waiting Period to Five Days

“Get back out there, make poor romantic choices, and help this economy!”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has slashed its guidance for how long Americans should wait to date again after ending a romantic relationship. Under the new guidance, the CDC allows — and, in fact, strongly encourages — Americans to begin dating again no more than five days after the end of their prior relationships.

“Our old relationship rebound guidance was that Americans consider a variety of factors in deciding when to begin dating again,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “But then we at the CDC sat down and asked ourselves whether that guidance was supporting our primary mission objective, which is to push the Dow to record highs.”

Walensky noted that under the previous guidance, the CDC recommended Americans consider, among other factors, the length of their prior relationship, the emotional impact of its end, and the potential effect of a new relationship on young children. The result, Walensky said, was that many people “waited months, or even longer, to start dating again — and that doesn’t do jack for the economy.”

Walensky explained that dating is responsible for “hundreds of billions” in sales annually, across a wide variety of industries.

“Restaurants, bars, florists, heck, even the manufacturers of prophylactics, depend on people getting out there and dating,” Walensky said. “These businesses are going to see a big hit to their bottom-line profitability if Americans wait to date until they ‘feel emotionally ready’ or ‘the judge signs the divorce decree’ or whatever.”

The new CDC guidance says that Americans should begin dating again as soon as they feel “asymptomatic” from the end of their prior relationships, even if it’s the very night of the breakup.

“If you feel like you’re over your ex, you’re ready to date!” the CDC says. For others, the new guidance says, “five days after your breakup, any remaining impacts of your old relationship are ‘resolving.’ You’re ready to date!”

Samuel Taylor, 34, just separated from his soon-to-be-former wife last week. He originally planned to wait “at least six months” before re-entering the dating pool. Now, though, because of the revised CDC guidance, “I had a date last night, and four more lined up.”

Taylor’s night at a local pub ended somewhat abruptly when his date, Miranda Ramos, 32, mentioned that her middle name is Allison. “That’s my ex’s name,” Taylor said. “When I heard that, I just burst out in uncontrollable sobs right there at the bar, and Miranda eventually walked off.”

Still, Taylor said, “the tab came to $35.86, plus I left a 20% tip. So I’m doing my part for the economy.”

Walensky said that experiences like Taylor’s are exactly what the CDC had in mind when it revised its dating rebound guidance. “Rushing back into dating could be detrimental to [Taylor’s] mental well-being,” Walensky said, “and he’ll probably make lots of poor romantic choices by dating this soon after splitting with his ex. But so long as he’s out spending money instead of sitting at home, that’s a win for the stock market. I just hope his next dates last a little longer, so he spends more.”

Walensky said that while any dating activity involving money is helpful, she — speaking in her personal capacity— suggests that Americans consider the Olive Garden for their next rebound dates. “Nothing says romance like never-ending soup, salad, and breadsticks!” she said. Walensky declined to address whether her recommendation had anything to do with the fact she owns significant shares in the Olive Garden’s parent company, the Darden Group.

“Look, America, we all need to be doing our part to get the Dow to 40,000 for the first time,” Walensky said. “So if your relationship ends, get back out there, make poor romantic choices, and help this economy!”