Cave

Pitch blackness. Eerie silence. A drop of water splashes in a puddle nearby. Then back to silence. Then another drop. One… Two… Three… Four, there it is again. Four seconds, then another. And another. And another. After every four seconds. Even though it’s pitch black, I won’t open my eyes, I won’t.

Fear inside me, devouring me up. I can’t concentrate on anything. My thoughts swarm around my mind like mosquitos out for blood. I’m struggling to ignore them, trying to think of something else. Anything that will make it okay. It will be okay.

It’s not working.

They are still there. The thoughts pounding my skull, driving my body to tense. Heart pounding as if I just ran the marathon. Chest hurts slightly as an after effect. Is this a heart attack? Can’t be, I’ve had this before, and it wasn’t one then. This is all in my head. It’s all in my head.

Right?

I won’t open my eyes. I can’t. That’s where the triggers are, and enough with the triggers. I can’t even breathe properly. Why am I gasping for air when all I have to do is breathe? Dammit, just breathe. Why is that so hard? Feel the forehead, check your temperature. Stop shaking. Stop shaking. Good, no fever.

My mind. Oh, my mind. It’s doing somersaults, diving off buildings and cliffs, seeking to murder itself. I just want it to end. When will it end?

Focus on something else. Focus on something to draw my mind away from these thunderous thoughts. Drip. Drip. Drip. The water. Pay attention to the water. Drip. One… Two… Three… Four. Drip. One… Two… Three… Four. Drip. Deep Breath. One… Two… Three… Four. Drip. Breathe out. One… Two… Three… Four. Drip.

Okay, get under control. Get your breathing under control, if only temporarily. Just listen to the water. Take your time, Jake. Take your time. Wait… the water. Why was there water dripping? I guess there could be rain outside. It must have found its way in. At least the echo of the drips sound nice. Not too loud, but loud enough to hear a soft echo. Kind of relaxing.

I can manage this. It’s such a simple thing to do. Every human in the world does it every day. Maybe not blind people, but I wouldn’t know, I never met one. Regardless, it is such a simple task. Your body knows what to do, just let it. Let it happen.

Oh, why did I open my eyes?

It’s completely black. I can’t see anything. I have to close my eyes; I have to. I can’t do this. I can’t fight this panic inside me, ravaging my thoughts. Trying so fiercely to escape. I need to relax. Just a few moments to refocus myself. Count the drips, Jake. One… Two… Three… Four. Drip. One… Two… Three… Four. Drip. Listen to the water echo around me.

Open your eyes, Jake. You can do this.

Still pitch black. Not even blinking is helping. Am I blind? I can’t even see my hands right in front of me. Okay, relax. Just relax. It doesn’t mean you’re blind. Just try to feel around. It’s okay, it’s okay. Everything is okay. Just feel around you. Come on, Jake. It feels like it’s a cold rocky ground. So I am not dreaming. This is rock. God, I wish I was dreaming. Please… waking up in a hot sweat is ten times better than this. At least then I know it isn’t real. But this is.

I just want to go home. Please…

You are kneeling, Jake, just sit down and relax. You can figure this out. Come on, I have to be able to see something. Anything? Nothing. It’s complete darkness all around me. How do blind people do it? How do they live like this? Rely on my hearing? I can’t. That’s scary. That’s dangerous. How will I know what to do if I’m attacked?

No don’t think that way Jake, don’t. You know that will only make things worse. Just keep taking deep breaths. Relax. Nothing is out to get you. You are probably safer than some people around the world right now. Your situation is probably not even that bad.

Or maybe it’s worse. What if I can’t get out?

Stop thinking that way. You will find a way out, Jake. It is only a matter of time. You will just have to rely on hearing and touch. It will help you navigate. Besides, maybe it’s for the best to not be able to see what’s here. No, don’t say that. It’s making me feel worse. Damn. Stop being stupid. Focus.

But I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to move from this spot. I feel safer here, in this spot, like a bubble of protection. But it won’t protect me though. I know that. It’s just helping the nerves inside me to stop shooting off like fireworks. Moving would remove any ounce of protection I think I have.

I’m going insane already.

Stupid. Stop. Jake, focus. You can do this.

You’re being dramatic. Dammit, don’t I know it. Not the first time I let it go this far. However, these are unusual circumstances. I can’t help it. I’m so scared. I admit it, to myself, and to everything around me. I’m scared. Don’t think I am masculine anymore? I don’t measure up to guy code? I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. It’s stupid anyway.

It’s okay to be scared, Jake. Anyone who says otherwise hasn’t been through what you have. They are the stupid ones. They probably never been in any real danger. Don’t even worry about that.

Okay, listen to the sound of the water dripping again. It’s okay. Stop stressing out, you can figure this out. You like playing dangerous video games, remember? This is nothing compared to what you do in those games. And you are successful in each one. Use what you know from them, figure out what to do next. Be brave.

But this is reality.

Stop, these thoughts will just continue to penetrate your mind. You have to learn to stop. Man… I think if I make it out of here, it’s time to call a therapist. This is ridiculous.

Focus on the water. Drip. It’s still around four seconds, maybe slightly quicker now, but not three seconds yet. The rain outside must be getting worse. Hopefully not something I need to worry about too. I think I have enough on my plate as it is. Need not add more to the mix.

Okay, now is your time to shine. Just stand up. Slowly now. As slow as you want to go, Jake. Breathe. There we go. You got this. Okay, stand still. Step one complete. Outstanding job.

Now just listen. Listen. Anything at all? I can’t hear anything. Nothing but the drips of water echoing around me. And my breath. And my beating heart. It’s like a damn drum in a marching band. Anymore and I will just fall over.

Focus on the drips. They are your go-to Jake. Focus. One… Two… Three… Four… Drip. Good. Breathe in and out.

Now steady. Look around. It’s probably fruitless at this point, but why not one more try?

Nothing, as expected. Maybe that’s a good thing. I might be alone.

Okay, now step two is accomplished. That’s two, right? I think so. Okay, now three. Just shuffle over to the entrance. Nice and slow. Keep going, don’t think anything about it. Am I here? I think… yeah; I feel the rocks. Okay, step three done. Magnificent job, Jake. Pat on the back for you. Step four. Any of these rock move? Push? Pull? Damn, they aren’t budging. Shit. Shit. Shit. Come on, any of them please. How did enough fall down to completely block the entrance? This is bad. This is bad. I’m seriously trapped. That was the way out. I can’t get out. I can’t get out. Come on. Move! Move! God, why? Am I just weak? I am using all my strength here, now move!

No. No. No. No. No No No.

“Ah damn rocks! Shit!”

Ouch! I can’t see anything in here! Can’t even budge the rock wall in the slightest. Now I fell over the loose ones on the ground. Now my ass hurts. Least I didn’t hit my head.

So it’s official. The entrance is blocked. Just what I was praying to not have happen. Of all the prayers I have made, which is very little when I think about it, that one couldn’t be granted?

Now what? Do I wait? Would anyone be coming for me? Does anyone even know where I am or that I need rescue? What if no one knows? What if they don’t find out until it’s too late? I’ll die here, starving, dehydrated. Then they’ll come and see my corpse. I don’t want to die like that. I don’t want to die at all! Not yet. I’m way too young. I have so much more to live for. I still have ¾ of a century left in me. It can’t end here. The book can’t close here.

Stupid body. Stop freaking out, Jake. You are freaking your body out. Keep calm. Calm. Focus on the water again. It worked before, it’ll work again. One… Two… Three… Four… Drip. Breathe in. One… Two… Three… Four… Drip. Breathe out. Come on, Jake. Refocus yourself. Don’t let these thoughts take over your mind. You’re in charge of this. You can figure it out.

You’re under control. Breathe. Don’t let it falter. You have the control. Come on. Jake, dammit, come on. No, I can’t with this shit. My stomach is swimming Olympic competitions. My head feels like someone is hitting it with a mallet. I can’t even stop my shaking. Screw this so much.

Never thought I would be in a feeble position. It never got this bad. I guess the circumstances validate it though. Who else is trapped with no escape and no one coming to get them? Looking death in the face and waving ‘hello there’! How did I even get myself stuck in this place? Why did I have to be so damn curious? The call for adventure! Backfired immensely. Now I look like an adult baby, holding himself and freaking out.

Okay, water. Drips. Listen and concentrate. One… Two… Three… Four-ish. Drip. One… Two… Three… Four-ish. Drip. Keep breathing in. One… Two… Three… Four-ish. Drip and out. One… Two… Three… Four-ish. Drip.

What would others do? Probably try to find an alternate way out. But that would mean going deeper into this place, having no way to see anything. Who knows what’s further down there? Vicious animals. A 300 foot plunge. Dead end, most likely. I suppose I won’t know until I attempt to do it. But lying here feels safer, for now at least.

At least my breathing is returning to normal. Thanks dripping water. I probably shouldn’t even think about my condition or I might cause my body to become worse again. Agh. I hate this. I abhor my stupid brain. Just listen to the water drips. Find your calm. Ground yourself, Jake. That’s what they always say. Ground yourself. Keep thinking about what you are doing now and what you will accomplish. I need to focus on a goal. That will help bring my sanity back in order. Anything to get this darkness away from me.

So what do we know? We see the way out is blocked. That direction won’t be feasible, so we have to find another path out. There might still be something here I can discover to aid me. Okay, Jake, lets do this. Come on. Shuffle forward, take your time. All the time you need. The water is closer now. I wonder if… yep, there it is. I could use a little taste, but is it safe? I don’t care, I’m risking it.

Not really the best course to getting a drink if one drop hits every four seconds, but the icy coldness of the water is invigorating in its own way. Even gave me a chill down my spine. This is my reassurance. Listening to this water has helped.

Although, venturing future may mean I won’t hear the sound anymore. I just hope I can manage that.

Okay Jake, time to move forward. How do I manage this? I can’t see a thing. How do I know where to move? Think. Think… the wall. Okay, I’ll use the wall as a guide. Hopefully I don’t touch anything that will make my heart race out of my chest. Don’t think like that. Focus. Left wall is as satisfactory as the right one, and since I am left handed, let’s elect the left wall for assistance.

The drips are becoming fainter already. I certainly don’t prefer that. Should I turn back? What if I have another episode? I feel like I am experiencing one now. It hasn’t even ended. Jake focus. Breathe. Calm down, nothing is even happening yet. Stop letting your mind control you. You’ve come this far. You can go farther. Besides, I can always come back, right? I can always abandon my adventure to come back to what’s familiar. Not like it’ll do much good in terms of progress, but at least I might perish with some sanity. Maybe.

Just can’t avoid thinking negatively, can you, Jake? Idiot. Why do I do this to myself? Why does this have to affect me? I just want to feel normal. What is normal?

Just continue stepping forward. One foot in front of the other, nice and easy. Carefully. No need to stumble on a rock and break your arm. Or get impaled by a stalagmite. If there are any, not like I can see them! Why did I have to get trapped in the middle of the night? Not that daylight would travel this far in, presumably. How should I know?

What if this is all hopeless? It might just be a dead end. A fruitless adventure that will only scare me more. No way out. I can feel my body shiver at the thought. Dying here would not be ideal, maybe not for anyone, but still. Dying from starvation and dehydration doesn’t sound pleasant. I always thought I would die from natural causes when I’m 90 or something.

These concerns are getting me nowhere, just focus on what’s ahead of you Jake. The nonsense that goes through your head constantly. Like I can help it though. It’s my way of reacting to the dreadful situation I’m in. I’d like to see how anyone else would react in this… probably better than me when I consider it.

Ah shit! Tunnel is turning I guess? At least the left side is. A little warning would’ve been outstanding, nature! I’d rather not walk into the wall because the tunnel decides it’d prefer to take a sharp right.

The dripping sounds are gone. Guess I’ve been wandering for long enough. It’s so quiet, something deeply unsettling. My breath and footsteps are the only things making noise now. Something about me being the only noise maker doesn’t sit right. If anything lurks in here, I’m a noisy beacon.

No, Jake settle down. No need to freak out. It’ll be okay. We’ve come this far, let’s keep this up. You’re doing a superb job, Jake. Just a little further. Damn heart, I don’t need this much blood pumping right now. I swear I’ll have a heart attack before dehydration gets me.

No, I can’t do this. I need to turn back. The water drips. I need that sound again. Something to calm the intensity that’s returning inside of me. I need to sit down.

No, I can use something else. Feel the walls and the ground. Feel the rocks. They are smooth and cold. Cold enough to make you shiver at the touch. Just the rocks and you. Nothing else around.

Get up Jake, you are tougher than you think. This isn’t the first time you felt this way before, remember? You can get through this. And when you do, nothing will ever stand in your way again. And you can relax. Read a book with a mug of hot chocolate or tea. Maybe a bowl of popcorn and a movie instead? You can see Jenny again. If she knew where you were right now, Jake. Well… she would know what to do.

Think about her Jake. She’s always been a protective bubble for you during times of stress. A means to calm down and refocus yourself. Jenny will always be with you no matter what. Even when she is not physically there. Do this for her. Keep moving forward.

Wait… where am I? The walls themselves… I can reach my hands out and touch both sides now. Shit, the tunnel is narrowing. Is this a dead end after all? No, I can keep walking forward, but it’s a tight squeeze. That can’t be safe. That’s too narrow. I won’t pass through such a cramped passageway like that. What if I get stuck, and can’t get myself unstuck? What the hell do I do then? Now if anyone breaks open the entrance, they may not come down this far.

Was there another path I missed? Maybe on the other side of the wall? I mean, I doubt it. This is possibly the only way. I can’t be that bad, right?

But you must do it. Remember Jenny. This is the only way out.

Show me that bravery. Come on… move forward. Okay… that’s a tight squeeze but not unbearable. I can do this. There better not be any spiders. I don’t know if there would be any spiders in a place like this. Let’s hope not. Come on, it can’t be this narrow forever.

Nope, back out. No no no. I can’t do this.

Okay. Sit down and relax. We can try again after you relax. That wasn’t a poor effort, but damn that was too much. It just kept going and going. Not being able to see the end doesn’t help my sanity!

I can’t do that again. If I get stuck that’s it. I should’ve just stayed by the dripping water and wait for rescue. But I don’t even know if they were come. Does anyone know I’m in here right now? Would anyone come looking? If I don’t figure it out myself; if I don’t find a way, would I just be doomed here?

Jake. Jake. Stop. Stop thinking about death. That’ll do you no good at all. Try to think of this like one of your video games again. You wouldn’t let yourself get stuck forever and die, would you? No! You would be brave and do something about it. You’re an adventurer, so explore!

I mean that’s a video game, and this is real life… a sizeable difference there. I can’t follow through. I’m scared. I’m so scared to move. I hate this. Why can’t I just be home? I want to go home. Please.

Jake you have to figure this out yourself. You have to. No one is coming. It’s up to you. You want to go home, then go home Jake. Get your ass up and try again.

The narrow path looks so menacing. Let’s try this again.

So far so good, you managed 5 steps, make it 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Good. Keep that up. 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Nice work. Can’t be far now. Just keep the counting going. Deep breath. 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Breath out. Relax. As best you can while feeling squished. Okay, breathe in. 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. Breathe out. It can’t stay like this forever. Come on. Come on. Come on.

“Come On!”

Breathe in. 26, 27, 28, 29, 30. Breathe out.

“You can do this!”

Breathe in. 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35. Breathe out.

“You can do this Jake.”

Breathe in. 36, 37, 38, 39, 40. Breathe out.

Jenny

Breathe in. 41, 42, 43.

Shit. I’m out. I’m out! I did it. Oh my god I did it. I can’t believe I did it. I did it. You did it Jake. You did it. Oh heart, that’s your cue to stop trying to break free. I need to sit. Rest… time to rest.

“I’m coming Jenny.”

I can do this. I can go all the way, I know it.

Come on, don’t lose this momentum. Get up, keep moving. Please let there be some kind of way out around here. Once I am out, I will seriously kiss the ground in excitement. Wouldn’t it be funny if I walk out and people see me, wondering why I was in here? Having no idea I was trapped. Best thing they don’t see my mental breakdowns.

Keep going Jake. Almost there. Can’t be long now. One foot in fron-

“Shit! No! No! No! No! AHHH!”

Am I alive? I feel some pain, so must be. Unless I’ve been lied to all these years. What the hell happened? Everything was fine then… I fell. There really was a hole. I fell straight down. At least it was more of a roll down a steep slope rather than a sheer drop. I’m alive, that’s all that matters.

Where am I now? Am I stuck in a hole now? If someone were to come, they will for sure not find me here now? Shit. Shit. Shit. What the hell do I do now? I’m trapped. I’m trapped for real. Before there was a chance and now there’s none.

Stop. Wait. Try climbing back up first idiot. Okay, breathe in… and out. Lets do this.

Nope no way back up. This can’t be happening. I should’ve stayed by the entrance. There could have been people walking past at any point while I‘ve been exploring. I could have called to them, and they could have gotten help. But now no one knows I am here. I’m such an idiot. Such an idiot.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Feel the rocks Jake. Smooth, cold, a few pebbles here and there. Silence. Little stuff in here. Moldy smell. Definitely humid. These are all facts I know right? Yes. Okay. I freaked up prematurely. I can’t see where I am at, but there might still be a passage. There has to be right?

I can’t even see myself in here, but it feels like I’m bleeding somewhere on my arm. I just hope it isn’t too bad. Hurts terribly though. I’m definitely going to have bruising. Doesn’t feel like broken bones though.

Okay Jake, you had your break, lets stand up now. Nice and easy. Nausea… I don’t have time for you, please go away. Breathe in… and out 1. In… and out 2. In… and out 3. You got this Jake. Come on.

“Come on. Focus in the goal.”

That’s all you can do.

Find the wall, let it hold you. Guide you. Move Jake. One foot in front of the other. Let’s go.

I can’t even focus anymore. This keeps feeling fruitless the further I move. My heart is beating quickly again. Stomach acting like tidal waves. Lungs with a mind of their own. You’re a mess Jake. A genuine piece of work.

If this is all for nothing, I’ll be really mad.

There goes the tingling in my arms. My chest announcing its presence. Does everyone want to come out and affect me too? Okay just sit down Jake. Take a breather. Calm down. Could use some pleasant music right now. Like Jazz. I never listen to jazz, but it is calming right?

One things for sure, I need a bath. I feel so gross. And a proper meal. A couple drips of water was not enough for me.

“Get up Jake. Stop being lazy.”

It wasn’t laziness, but fear over ruling my entire body, and my control of it. Taking me over like a demon, controlling me from the inside. All I could do was accept my fate.

“Get up Jake.”

I don’t want to keep this up. I feel like my body is killing itself. I keep breathing so fast. Thoughts circling around my head begging to come in.

“Get up.”

I hate this. I can’t think straight. I want it all to end! Please make this end. Oh God, this is the worst one yet.

“Lay down. Just lay down.”

The world is spinning, why is it spinning? I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t.

I haven’t cried in so long. Almost feels nice.

“You’re an idiot.”

I don’t care anymore.

What was the point of continuing? Then again, what was the point of staying? Maybe there was a bear here somewhere. It can eat me up to get it over with. I’m never getting out of here, anyway. The only chance I had was taken, by my own hands. I just had to leave the entrance.

“Such an idiot.”

What am I doing? Snow angels on the cold hard ground is what. It feels nice. I like the coldness on my arms and legs. Just me and the rocks.

“Get up.”

Fine. Ignore the pain. Ignore the darkness creeping around you. You’re stronger right? Who knows? Just get up. Keep moving forward.

Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward.

“Keep moving forward.”

Stop stumbling you idiot! Keep moving forward.

What is that? What is that!? Light? I’m going insane now, it’s official. It has to be. It can’t be.

Keep moving forward. The light is coming from around the corning to the left. Keep moving forward.

“Oh…”

Light. It is light. It is light. No. I was this close? Damn.

Damn that’s bright. Did the sun get closer while I was in here?

Keep moving forward. What’s at the end? Freedom?

“It’s an opening!”

The ocean! I can see it! 30? 40 foot drop? Hard to tell. It’s manageable, if I wasn’t afraid of heights. Nothing to the left. Nothing to the right. Well shit. I came out of a hole in the side of a cliff. Nothing can be easy can it?

I can make that right? I can make that jump? That isn’t a height that can kill you right? How tall is the Golden Gate Bridge? Shit. Shit. Shit. I don’t know if this is safe to do.

What else are my options? I can’t go back. I can’t just sit here, absolutely no one will see me on a cliff side like this. Unless I could train a bird to deliver my message. That would be one heck of a rescue bird.

No, the only option is to jump. Right? Jumping. It is simple, just jump off, fall straight, and hit the water. Swim to shore. Is this the height where water feels like concrete? A few broken bones worth it? Anyone would probably say yes if there was no other option right?

I must be an idiot to do this. I can’t believe I’m considering this.

Okay.

“One… two… three… four. Jump!”

No wait. Wait. Not ready.

I can do this though. Come on.

“Come on! ONE, TWO, THREE… JUMP!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD! FUUUUU-“

Everything hurts. But not that badly. The sand under me is cool to the touch. The moon above is shining on my face. I can see again. No longer blind.

“Ha, ha, haha ha, ha.”

Laugh you fool. You made it.