DIVERSITY
Caste and Colorism in Indian Matchmaking
5o shades of dark
Nobody wants to be married to a person of a darker hue or a lower caste.
Color
Often the dark person balances out their dark skin by having more money, a better job or a fitter body on the (negotiating)table.
When you hear someone say they don’t care how dark their husband or wife is, chances are the husband or wife is
- From IIT
- Works in USA with Apple/Google/Microsoft/Quora/PayPal/IBM/at Harvard/Stanford/Caltech
- Has a green card/American citizenship
- All of the above
What about caste?
Caste does not work like that. All castes mistrust each other and it is a very bad idea to marry out of caste. I have, and this is what I have learnt as a Brahmin married to a Kayasta.
Actually he’s also sort of a Brahmin as he’s a North Indian Chitraguptavanshi, but that is another story Love marriage, and my mother warned me, if you must know. So did his.
Food
It is different in each caste. I used a Brahmin cookbook to finally start enjoying lunches. My husband’s lunch is cooked by the maid.
As a Kayasta wife, I faced garlic for the first time in my life. The food in India has subtle differences. Items like sambar, a lentil based savory gravy and kootu, a coconut gravy based vegetable dish taste completely different. Some days, when I can not cook, I’ll bolt my food down with plain rice and yogurt to avoid the stinking garlic. Garlic is non-veg according to strict Brahmins as it is a growing root, not a fruit or vegetable. Indian mythology says garlic and onion grew from the blood and saliva of demons Rahu-Ketu during the churning of the milk ocean, so it gives you demonic strength. Garlic and onion[and demonic strength]aren’t for Brahmins. I am used to it now. Took 20 years.
Prayer
Each caste has its own specific Hindu rituals. I’ve taken time to learn the new ways and though there are plenty of festive days when I go the more the merrier it can get exhausting to do both kinds of worship.
On Diwali day , the Hindu winter Festival of Lights, we celebrate early morning for me before the sun rises and again for him when the sun sets. This involves the traditional oil bath, so the next time you’re sneering at Hindus, take an oil bath. Our houses are built to keep us cool during our long summer, so it can get really cold.
Saris cover the head, respect or shame?
Among North Indian Kayastas, heads are covered with saris to embody respect for elders and in temples. Among Tamil Brahmins, heads are covered only by widows. Among emancipated Tamil Brahmins, even widows don’t follow the shaming practice of covering the head. The widow’s head used to be shaved and then covered, so it is a very humiliating thing to cover the head among Brahmins. My covered head made my grandma flinch at my wedding.
Casteism is only for marriages
I am not casteist. I am not rude to darker people. I treat everyone who comes to my dental clinic the same.
Yet. Not for marriage! It is one thing to employ a darker person. I have. It is one thing to have a dark mentor. I do. I have mentors who are castes lower and higher than mine. But people look very closely at caste and color in any Hindu marriage.
If you say any Indian Hindu disagrees with me, show me his darker and poorer wife. Or husband. I believe the Netflix show Indian Matchmaking is riling everybody. Sirs and ma’ams, come here and see the reality. Very likely the show has been whitewashed and the darkest girls and boys didn’t even make it to the show.
Real life real time example
My cook has just fixed up the marriage of my dental assistant, a pretty Punjabi girl of 22, to
- a gora boy, a fair boy.
- he works for Tata Steel.
- He has a fine physique. That comes last.
Why would she look for a dark boy when her daughter is fair? When the whole country is crazy about how fair looks good, why should you sacrifice your own child at the altar of pretending to be non-colorist?
50 Shades of Dark
Further, even the darker people are colorist.
There are shades of dark, usually defined by giving examples of people around you. Dark, but like Doodhnath ji[wheatish]. As dark as Brahma ji[dark].
Ji is a respectful suffix. Yes, you call them dark and then you suffix respect. We are crazy that way.
Then there is the really dark, which is described as so dark that if the lights are turned off, that person will become invisible. This is said in polite society. Maybe not when international guests are present.
Everyone trots out this explanation – dark people were poorer because they worked in the sun, fair people richer because they worked indoors and so fairness is preferred.
Nope. We’ve always hated dark. Right from the time of the Vedas. We’ve colored idols of the Gods blue when the Vedas clearly said they were dark. Read this below to know more.
We’ve had an entire Reservation System to promote darker people and lower castes to the highest rungs of the ladder. You will find District Commissioners and heads of Police who are lowest caste and proud of it.
Our former President, the late Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam was a dark person, and he has everyone’s respect because he was such a great teacher, a rocket scientist and he never misused a penny of public money or used his powers to as much as take a rose from the presidential garden. When he died we all wept.
But when it comes to marriage, a dark person has to have redeeming qualities which make them attractive in other ways.
Speaking fluent English is one of them.
Working abroad is also a great leveler because abroad, people either
- actually don’t care about color [I watch enough International news to know this is bunkus.]
- or the opportunities to earn and learn are better, so one can become such a thumping success that no-one cares how dark you are. [This is probably true]
The jokes are true
I can easily imagine parents of darker kids telling them to study harder because else they will not be able to find a mate.
It is also easier because I watched this video, which isn’t actually funny. Indian reality is found funny. Which is actually sad if you think about it, so I won’t think about it.
Success beats color
Kids who are confident about their skin color even if they are dark have acquired other weapons in their armory against the slings and arrows of the fair-skinned evil aunts and matriarchs.
Parents of the darker kids are realizing that their kids are so successful that their success is the greatest light, the fairest skin, and those demanding fair skin are just ignorant, and ignorance is the darkest sin and skin.
Ignorance is the darkest skin
Now if the kid isn’t successful, then the kid has just about had it. Deal with that too. It is a country FULL of people. A lot of competition for jobs, houses, spouses, you name it.
Just wait until IIT announces a 4-minute mile as a requirement to write their entrance exam… then the fun will really start.
I’ve lived in 7 states in India before I got married. As a dentist I saw 40 patients a day of all kinds. So you can take this above as my carefully reasoned perspective. Thank you for your time. 🙏🏻
Pictures belong to author.
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