CAROspace | I Fade Away

The cold world turns his face from my brokenness.

That makes me learn to hide myself away.

The glass is piercing, but no one reaches ‘cept you.

So the twisted path keeps leading me back.

I fade away like an evening shadow;

This life contains me.

I fall away like a coward I know;

You crucify me.

No making sense of it: we take what we can get.

I guess even the best of us can’t lose all control.

Another story comes and I see it’s my chance to live.

I hope the ending is better than this cuz…

I fade away like an evening shadow;

This life contains me.

I fall away like a coward I know;

You crucify me.

What’s the point in hiding?

Closed doors won’t keep me in no more.

The game I’ve played-

Has rules that have let me down.

But no more, no more.

I fade away like an evening shadow;

This life contains me.

I fall away like a coward I know;

You crucify me.

This was a song I wrote in high school, but never fully finished. I do not think I ever played it for anyone! When I moved over here to Oxford years later, I brought my drafts, scribbled notes, scraps of paper, phrases on napkins…all potential song ideas with me, because one of my goals in this transition was to ORGANIZE my music (a mighty feat that I have still not accomplished, unfortunately).

“I Fade Away” was one of the drafts that made the move. A torn out piece of notebook paper with ragged fringe and crinkles. I found it one day about a month after settling in. Revamped it. Changed the style. Added a bridge. Threw in some scat. Finished it up! I love how this happens in writing. I can produce a song, but not be satisfied with it, so put it in my “not good” pile and move on. However, I never throw away anything, because there is always possibility and potential in each idea and word I write down. Maybe now is just not the right time to complete it. Maybe time needs to pass. Maybe my mind needs to rest or be taken away. Maybe I need to experience something before I can bring a better perspective to the story I want to form.

Moving to Oxford was the freshness this song needed to be fully realized.

It is strange how I find my present self relating to my younger self, and the fact that I still go through similar emotions and situations throughout life.

Some facts about the lyrics:

• “I fade away like an evening shadow” is taken from Psalm 109:23
• “Another story comes…” is referring to the redemptive story of Jesus Christ
• Generally talking about being hopeless in a cold world and wanting nothing to do with it, but finding courage and boldness in my faith to not be shut down by depression

*This story has been written for a wider project called #carospace. Follow Caroline Adele Nikolaus on fb, ig, or twitter to learn more and stay tuned for a music video she is filming in The Missing Bean Roastery. #carospace_TheMissingBeanRoastery