Caring What Others Think, And How To Break Free

Why The Answer Lies With You, Not Them

As I venture into the podcast realm, old thoughts over what others might think of me have resurfaced. What will people think of my work? Am I going to sound knowledgeable, or make a fool of myself? Is my creative work even worth pursuing, or am I chasing after a pipe dream?

These are but a few of the thoughts that bounce through my head throughout the day.

It doesn’t hurt to care what other people think of us, most of the time. Caring about other people’s opinions allows us to connect; to build healthy relationships where we take other people’s thoughts and feelings into consideration, and to function as part of a society with societal norms, and rules.

That being said, there is a difference between being an expressive and authentic being who has empathy and care and being concerned with others’ opinions to the point of self-sabotage, and disintegrity.

I’ll be the first to say I’ve lived the majority of my life in the latter camp. Worrying about what others might think of me, and shape-shifting my way into perceived acceptance and subsequent self-abandonment.

With that cheery intro, I wanted to take today’s article to talk about how I manage my fears/anxiety over caring what others think about me. As someone who is pushing the boundaries of their self-expression each day, it’s important for me to keep my thoughts and feelings in check — save stopping myself from doing the things that I am passionate about.

Here are 4 tips to stop caring what others think of you.

1. You Worry About Others Judgement Because You Judge Yourself

As I’ve gone from keeping my inner monologue to myself (out of fear) to sharing my thoughts and the thoughts of others online, I’ve slowly healed the “caring about others” wound that drove my actions in the past. It still shows up for me, like in starting to podcast, but not nearly to the intensity that it did previously.

Why? Because through being expressive, and taking the steps to put my ideas into action, I’ve built up a sense of self-belief and courage that is now the backbone of my work, and my life.

We worry about others’ judgment when we feel unsure of our skills and capabilities. It’s like we’re waiting for someone else to hold up the mirror that will reflect back the faults we already believe about ourselves. Not dissimilar to the idea of an imposter being found out in the case of imposter syndrome.

It’s difficult to care about what others think when you’re your greatest supporter. In this, you don’t need others’ approval, because you have your own. This doesn’t mean we disregard entirely what others think, but we can also consider ourselves in the conversation.

The above means that the key to caring less about what others think is through being more caring to ourselves. If we can’t back ourselves, it doesn’t matter how much appreciation we get from others, it’s unsustainable. You’ll mold yourself into what you believe others want, and you’ll lose yourself in the process.

Sometimes it’s easier to worry about what others think than look directly at ourselves. It means we have to take responsibility but it also means we have control over how things turn out. This brings me to point 2.

2. Understand You Can’t Control Anyone Else’s Thoughts and Feelings

Shape-shifting and people-pleasing for the sake of someone else’s approval is a manipulation tactic we use to get other people to think and feel about us how we want them to.

Let that sink in for a second.

It’s us essentially saying, “I’m not sure how you’re going to react to me, so I’m going to make sure I get your approval by being somebody I am not”. It’s a control tactic that keeps us safe from feeling all the funky emotions we’d feel if we ran into conflict or received criticism.

This was a hard truth for me to swallow, but one that did wonders for me in healing my “caring about others” wound. Because in reality, we can’t control how other people want to view us. If they want to think something negative about us, that’s their right, and there’s very little we can do to change that.

We could be everything we think someone else wants us to be, and still be disapproved of and still p*ss people off. Most of our worries are also only perceived worries as we can never tell how someone truly feels.

Most of the time we’re just passing judgments on how we THINK other people will think or feel, especially in cases where we’re worrying about people who aren’t in our close circle or have no direct contact with us. Then we’re really tying ourselves into knots.

But have no fear, this doesn’t make you a bad person. We all do it, to some extent. And there’s probably a reason for it, too. In our childhood.

3. Have Awareness Of The Origins

Most of the behaviors we’re in the habit of doing in adulthood that cause us harm are just childhood behaviors we learned that once kept us safe.

For example, I spent the majority of my childhood/teenage years supressing my self-expression because I was gay and afraid of what others would think. At the time, it’s what I felt I HAD to do to keep myself safe from the judgments I feared others would have of me. It also kept me safe from the raging self-criticism I had around the subject. Denial was better than me beating myself up, or worrying about others beating me up. People-pleasing allowed me to conform long enough to find clarity around my sexuality, and the courage to eventually come out.

Now I’ve grown up, I can see where my “caring about others” wounding originated, which helps me understand why I feel driven to do it now. In having compassion for earlier versions of ourselves we can meet ourselves in a more productive place where change can be made.

When we’re in resistance to our wounding it’s very difficult to move forward. How can we move forward when we haven’t accepted the place we’re in now? Compassion is one of my 3 C’s of personal growth as it reserves energy, that would otherwise be used to criticize ourselves, to be used to transform.

4. Find Your Tribe

Slightly counterintuitive but an important point to mention. If you are finding yourself being consistently criticized for your expression by those around you, this may be a sign to change your tribe.

Whilst we should be our own supporters, and we can’t control what others feel about us, this doesn’t mean we need to surround ourselves with people who actively put us down. This doesn’t mean surrounding yourself with yes people, either, but I’d question the true benefit of a relationship if there is someone in your life who is actively putting you down or holding you back.

Authenticity can be difficult for others to hold as it can mirror where in their own lives they’re holding themselves back. If they’re unaware of this pattern, it can lead to outward judgments of others which are only reflections of their own internal resistance and resentment.

Whilst we should take other people’s opinions into account (if they’re coming from a constructive and loving place), we have to put ourselves first. Just yesterday I was having some drinks with friends when they challenged my desire to be a coach. They wondered if I’d be able to hold space for other people’s pain, or if I should sort my own stuff first before trying to help others.

I understood their point, but I’ve also done enough internal work to know this is the path for me — to which I defended myself. The right people should be able to hear your point and understand irrespective of their own thoughts and feelings. True friends support you, as my friends did when I expressed how much this work meant to me. Had they still tried to argue their case I’d have had serious doubts about the friendship.

Luckily they didn’t.

Final Thoughts

It’s difficult to take the first steps to do something you fear others will judge you for so seek support if you need it. Whilst difficult, we have to turn the focus around onto us; on what we want, and what life we want to live. It’s easy to turn the focus onto others and wonder what they can do differently, but the secret to caring less about what other people think of you is learning to care for yourself irrespective of those opinions.

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Have a great week.