Careers for Kids That Utilize Their Unique and Annoying Strengths
Put those freeloading children to work

Life is expensive, and kids have plenty of time on their hands when they’re not on screens or begging to be on screens.
Time to put those little freeloaders to work.
Not sure which way to steer them towards a fulfilling career? This handy Careers for Kids guide will help you identify your child’s special skills and the jobs that will suit them best.
Telemarketer
Does your child love asking the same questions over and over again until they eventually break you?
Can they convince you to buy things you had no intention of buying like a warm glass of your own lemonade?
Are they skillful at talking at you while you try desperately to get away?
If so, Telemarketer is the job for them!
As a Telemarketer, your child can harass people who are not you and earn money doing what they love! Everyone’s air ducts are going to be spotless with your kid on the job!
Elevator Operator
Does your child love pushing buttons, especially yours?
Do they know exactly which button to push at exactly the right time?
Do they enjoy cornering you into watching their special skills in a way that renders it impossible to escape?
If so, Elevator Operator may be the perfect career for them!
As an Elevator Operator, children can enjoy the deep satisfaction of pressing all of the literal elevator buttons as well as the proverbial ones of unsuspecting adults trapped in a moving box having no recourse but to watch their tap routines, their (in)ability to wiggle their ears, or a poorly-implemented sleight of hand magic trick.
“A ride and a show! What a delightful little Elevator Operator,” they’ll gush.
Teen Pregnancy Prevention Educator
Is your child incredibly skilled at preventing you and your partner from ever getting it on?
Do they appear at your bedside with a tummy ache or a bad dream the second your partner starts to put the moves on you?
Do you live in constant fear that despite having your tubes tied and your partner vasectomized, you could accidentally have another child exactly like them?
If so, Teen Pregnancy Prevention Educator might be the perfect career for your child!
Sure, preaching abstinence is outdated and ineffective, but a single session with your child will be enough to drive the nail in the teen sex coffin, so to speak. They’ll be so frightened by the prospect of accidentally having a child like yours, they’ll wait until marriage, if ever.
Debt Collector
Is your child highly skilled at draining your bank account and taking cash from your wallet?
Do they carry a ledger tracking every single time you’ve ever borrowed cash from them to say, loan the Tooth Fairy or feed the coin-operated laundry machine, down to the penny?
Do they refuse to take no for an answer and wear you down until you can’t resist them any longer and give them whatever they want?
If so, working as a Debt Collector might be the perfect job for your child!
With the right balance of intimidation and record-keeping, your little Debt Collector will ensure debtors pay on time, and even kick in a little something extra, just to get your kid off their back.
Laboratory Scientist
Do you kids incessently ask, “Why?”
Does your kid love to ask why until you eventually yell “Because I said so” even though you vowed to never be that kind of lazy parent?
Do they enjoy creating mystery potions that you discover all over your house?
Is their bedroom so putrid it resembles a science experiment gone wrong?
If so, Laboratory Scientist may be the perfect career for your child!
Put those inquisitive minds to good use. Pair a why with a compelling hypothesis and they’ve got themselves an experiment. As a bonus, your little petri dish comes with a free and bottomless smorgasbord of viruses; any lab would welcome the cost savings in this economy.
Actor in a Drama Series
Can minor triggers yield massive emotional responses from your child?
Can they look up from their phone long enough to yell “You’re the worst mom ever” and “I HATE MY LIFE”?
Can they cry on demand?
If so, consider a career for your child in the wonderful world of showbiz, baby!
People are always searching for something short and dramatic to watch on TV. Your little method actor is both short and dramatic and has been training for this their whole life. Directors will love your drama king or queen who can turn any mundane scene — like a wholesome game of Monopoly— into a family feud. They’ll be so compelling no one will be speaking to each other on set or off once your kid’s done with them.
Daytime Emmys here you come!
Sports Announcer
Does your child love making public observations at the top of their lungs about your body hair, your asymmetrical breasts, your weird toes?
Can they flawlessly announce in real-time every step you take while they’re with you in the public restroom?
If so, a career as a Sports Announcer may be just the thing for them!
A fulfilling career as a Sports Announcer will enable your child to put their astute observation skills to good use — who fell down, who tapped whose butt, a butterfly, a squirrel, where to find the best snacks.
Your child will keep people well informed on the most important aspects of any sports game. Plus, they won’t even need a microphone as they are naturally gifted in voice projection.