This is satire, with a little truth and advice mixed in.
Captains Log, Crew Member Roast Reporting
Starship Illumination: Trying to help “The Writers” . . . and Chuck Roast
Captain’s Log: Star Date 04152020 2115 hours.
This is Crewmember Roast. I have hijacked the Log for a very important message.
It has recently come to my attention that the Flagship Illumination is being followed by about 2,200 unusual creatures. They call themselves “The Writers.” They are a strange breed.
There is another version of that strange breed of creature called an “editor,” which is included in that number. I am not sure of their purpose, but they seem to be some sort of advanced member of this strange society we call “The Writers.”
I have notified Command Admiral Doctor Yildiz of our convoy of followers and asked for direction. He referred me to an article, which I skimmed. Sorry.
I believe the good Command Admiral Doctor wants us to connect to each other in some ethereal way. I have therefore taken it upon myself to request and invite those strange creatures to connect with us, and each other.
We have hailed them on all channels: LinkedIn, Twitter, Medium, Slack, and even the mother of all channels, the “Internet,” through our advanced communications base, appropriately named, Illumination Spotlight, commanded by the extremely talented communications expert Captain Chris Hedges 🦄
We’ve gotten some response, but not nearly enough to make it home as #1 in the Fleet. Our trip has only several months left to reach our destination (I think, like, 10 or 11). We need more activity, Scotty.
The great Command Admiral Doctor Yildiz has advised that we make every effort to make these connections, as they may mean the difference between success or failure, being read and going viral, or perhaps, being left behind as the Flagship Illumination crosses the galaxy to obtain new status as the top ship in the system. I will NOT be left behind on this journey.
I have requested more guidance, but it was met with, “Dammit, Chuck, I’m a doctor, not a magician! Read all the articles I wrote giving very valuable advice and follow it!”
So, I have decided to take the initiative and, instead of reading all of those articles again(just kidding), I have devised and implemented the following plan:
- I have joined Slack and have begun to learn how it works. Surprisingly, considering the number of followers this ship has, only a small percentage have chosen to communicate through that channel. I will continue to encourage all of “The Writers” to join Slack and become part of Illumination’s convoy, or be left behind.
- I have created a Linked In account under my true identity, Charles Roast. Despite my pleas and valiant efforts, I have failed to gain the traction I had hoped for, and recently issued another plea on Slack for “The Writers” to connect with me. I fear they will be left behind if they do not connect with me. I have decided to make another plea for connections here. Just click on Linked In above for the link to my Linked In link and ask to connect. I will honor that request, and link with your Linked In link. Follow me, or fail.
- I have created a Twitter account and have begun to develop a cult of followers, thanks to Command Admiral Doctor Yildiz’s efforts, as well as those of my fellow crew member, Kristi Keller, who twittered a fine list of reasons to follow me that resulted in many new followers. I promptly followed them back. I will find a way to repay her for her vote of confidence. For those of you who wish to pursue this route to obtaining more followers, here is my handle: https://twitter.com/chuckroast61. It would please me immensely to follow you back.
- Finally, I pulled up the crew manifest of the Illumination and clicked “follow” on every name that I was not following. There were a surprising number of crew members who I was not following. So many, in fact, the on-board computer advised I had reached my limit of “following” for one day. I lost count as to what that limit was. Sufficeth to sayeth, I will starteth againeth on the morrow. It is my fondest hope that those crew members will follow me back, as well as follow all other crew members who they do not presently follow, who will then follow them, and so on, and so on. In the 45 minutes since I implemented this part of my plan, I have gained 13 new followers. At least part of my plan is working. . .so far. I look forward to reading, commenting, and clapping for my new followers
It’s late, and the Captain will be back soon. I will report my results in a few days. Pray for all of us that I am successful. Because if I can do it, any one can.
But if I fail, we all fail (drama like your mama!).
Meanwhile, Write On!
Chuck Roast is a humorist for the publication Illumination, a Top Writer in Satire, and owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media. For links to any of his accounts, read the story again, only much more slowly this time. Then read it again. Thanks.
