Can’t Someone Just Zap Me With the Answers to Life?

So I can know if what I’m doing is dumb or worth it?

I have always felt (and maybe this is a a common feeling) that I wish that God would just come to me in a dream or something and tell me exactly what I’m meant to do with my life so it means something and is worthwhile.

I have always kind of given myself this mentality that if you are doing whatever it is you’re doing with the right heart and attitude, with perseverance, whatever it is that you’re doing… as long as it’s legal (ha!) is honoring to God. But why can’t God just come to me and be like, “Hey! Vanessa! You should be doing this thing. What you’re pursuing is a total dumb waste of time!” or “Hey! Vanessa! What you’re doing right now is exactly why I put you on this Earth! You figured it out!”

When I was growing up, I would read my bible a lot and wished that there was just a story about your average gal and God telling her ‘Hey, average gal. You don’t need to panic or freak out that you’re not the best at everything. Your life doesn’t have to be about that. You can just live a regular, small life in a little townhouse with your kids and husband and help out at church. And it’s okay to go on vacation and relax! It’s good, even! Yayaya, you’re okay. You’re going to be okay. This is alright. You have nothing to prove to me! Don’t worry!’

BUT, God’s not doing that. Nope. He’s not saying jack. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with my life. I am. But there are certain things that make me feel less than good, but I know are good things, and I just don’t even know if I’m meant to be the one to do them.

Sometimes I feel empty and hollow and weird and then I freak out that I’m feeling empty and hollow and weird. And it isn’t for lack of people in my life. I have people in my life. Lots of ’em. This isn’t a ‘lonely’ thing, this is an existential dread thing. I guess. And I think it’s okay to be a Christian and have this feeling. Because sometimes people go through things and it’s okay to go through things and even to feel a little sea sick about life. It doesn’t mean you don’t have faith, it just means you’re living a human life.

And I mean, it gets 99.999999 percent worse when I’m PMS’ing. Which I am. So… WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE? SHAVE MY HEAD AND MOVE TO THE END OF THE EARTH? Nope. Nope. Nope. I’m right here. I’m here listening to my daughter play the electric keyboard at the highest volume while my other daughter sings ‘Oh, yayaya. Jazzin’ on a blusey’ day’ while she organizes Sharpies and draws an abstract picture (I paint abstract hard edge and she’s been inspired) and my son yells from the bottom of the steps that he’s going out to play some bball with his best friend. I’ve got paint all over my legs from a painting I’m working on. I’m contemplating a glass of wine and planning the dinner menu in my head. Tonight we’ll have family night and then my husband intends to rock my world once the kids go to bed. Maybe I’ll read a few pages of a book. And it will go on a loop like this until it doesn’t anymore. And maybe this is what life is meant to be — not some grand big thing and maybe I’m not disappointing God by having this be my life. Maybe I’m not disappointing myself. I just feel like somewhere I kind of lost whatever other part of myself there maybe used to be. I don’t even know. Being in your thirties is weird.

Ok, that’s all for now. xo