Can You Tame The Beast of Depression and Self-loathing?
When You Believe The Worst About Yourself.
I’m my own worst bully and have been since I can remember.
In essence, I grabbed the baton of cruelty and contempt from years long past from my tormenters and grasped it with all my might. The taunting, the insults, the jabs of apathy were so ingrained; it seemed only natural to carry on for them, even if unwittingly into adulthood.
I don’t recall a time when I felt comfortable in my own skin or had a genuine peace of mind.
Peering into the mirror, I see disdain and bitter contempt etched in my face.
A face that seems to resemble my mother’s with each passing day. This has its own barrage of ill-gotten feelings, wondering how much I take after her?
There are many issues I need to deal with from my past, but I hardly know where to start. So many aspects overlap.
Quite often, as a child and teen, I felt completely alone in the world, and it haunts me in adulthood during bad spells of depression.
I’ve mentioned before I’m not Suzy Homemaker. Not in any sense of the word, so I feel inept with the many duties of motherhood. I’m resentful of simple requests because it feels like perpetual servitude. I know it’s part and parcel of being a mom, but I long for days when I can do as I please without interruptions galore.
I wish I could embrace domestic life at home, but there are times when I can’t stand it. And then comes the guilt and shame, for feeling this way.
Lately, especially the last couple of months, I’m plain tired of everything. I barely get through the days of monotony, and I can’t imagine when/how my life will ever get better.
In other words, I am paralyzed by my own contempt. I can’t stand myself in this state, and woe to others who reside with me.
Talk about a Debbie Downer, eh? :S
If I’m having a really bad moment/day, I go to my room and just have a good cry if it’s called for. But this is hardly a long term solution.
I might add, It’s not only because of the COVID shit hitting the fan the world over, though it’s exacerbated what I was feeling before. I’ve been dealing with this last episode, if you will, for over a year. Some months were better than others. This past April, I realized how far down the abyss I’d fallen.
Here is an article if you’re also dealing with depression or high anxiety during our era of Co-vid 19, as I’ve come to call it.
It feels like my world has gone dark, with the teeniest bit of light miles away, taunting me in the far distant horizon.
I’m just not sure about anything anymore.
For a while, I plugged away on a project and then the barrage of my nasty thoughts washed over me like a tsunami.
“Who in the hell did I think I was writing about depression and how to get through it? I haven’t mastered depression by any means”.
While there isn’t an actual cure for depression, there are different methods of treatment. Some may experience long periods of remission, but for many others, it’s not just a battle, but a war in our head, heart, and soul.
I’m here but for the grace of God. Not because I’ve been cured and see the light. However, I often find myself questioning what He has in store for me. What is my purpose? I know I’m not going to find it when I burrow underneath my blankets and wallow in self-pity.
For instance, is it normal to pray for some tragedy to relieve your pain?
It might be common, but definitely not the epitome of logical thinking.
It’s not easy to explain to someone that you feel like your life is pointless, and you feel like you’re bringing them down, or holding them captive. Maybe they’d be happier without you?
Sure, my absence might pose some inconveniences such as the household tasks which need to be carried out each and every day. Would this be the only reason I’d be missed?
Sometimes I wonder.
Or the fact my “problems” are just a distraction from more important things… like money.
I completely understand money and security are very important, especially when you have a child. But if it feels like you come last on a mile-long list of things to take care of? It’s hard to find motivation.
I’m already struggling to do the basics. Then I feel guilty and worthless about how inept I appear. I wonder why it feels so difficult when others manage so much more?
Not to say I don’t have any redeeming qualities…
I can be funny as hell at times, but others, I feel like it’s a mask. A handy defense mechanism to keep people distracted from the real me.
My truth, painful as it seems, is one I’d prefer to bury than delve into. But life doesn’t work this way.
Lately, writing has been a struggle for me. Words are jumbled, and they’re not making much sense on the screen or paper.
Did my muse go camping with his/ her friends? Are they singing kumbaya, and smoking Doobies?
Hell if I know?!
Sometimes it’s good to take a break, but I found myself more irritable and agitated when I didn’t write for a while. My head felt like it would explode if I didn’t get some of the tension out my scary head.
Elle Fredine and I were chatting a while ago about depression. I gotta tell ya, having someone who has been there, and understands what you’re feeling, helps to decrease the isolation, and you feel like someone out there, cares.
Friendship is a soothing balm for a weary soul. I’m sure many have full plates with stress and uncertainty in their own life, so it means even more when your friends check in with you.
You know what else is great? Being able to lift someone’s spirit by making them laugh, even if at your own expense. Being able to call bullshit and be objective when your friend sinks into him/herself.
I certainly hope the feeling is mutual.
I’ve been pretty lucky to find friends like Elle Fredine, Sherry McGuinn, KD Murray, Hank Eng, Don Feazelle, Kristina H, Agnes Louis, Samantha Beach, Nikki Kay , Katrina Loos and many more.
Depression has many aspects to it. And I’ve seen many of its sides. It’s damn right scary at times.
It typically manifests as a deep-seated hatred for myself, and either I feel extremely agitated, or hostile. Then the tears, guilt, and shame follow. It’s an awful existence for those going through it, and loved ones who witness the downward spiral.
I can’t stand myself at all, and wonder how people could like me, let alone love me?
It’s hard enough as it is when in these dark spells. We feel scrutinized, ashamed, and/or judged by others, and we are most likely criticizing ourselves already.
I wish there was some kind of magic cure for this insidious thief called depression. But all you can really do is manage and treat the symptoms, if you need more help, then do your best to get it. It’s not easy, but worth it, if there’s hope of relief from your inner turmoil.
Relief doesn’t look the same for everyone. It’s as different as the person who is dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. It’s not a one size fits all solution, though it would be much more simple if it were.
Relief may come in the form of medication, talk therapy, like CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). But often relief comes from a combination of methods, and while it may take time to feel some relief, it’s important to advocate for yourself or have someone you trust to stand in for you, if necessary.
But knowing you have people who care about you will help you feel less alone. If you have children or family who depend on you, it can act as a driving force to keep going forward.
For those who have a family member or close friend who is struggling, please try to remember the following:
We need compassion: not scorn and apathy.
We need kindness:
A light at the end of the tunnel to lead our way back to hope of better days ahead!
This is a shout out to everyone who has gone through their own hell and has come out the other side, or is currently struggling;
How did you get through it? Or what is helping you to keep forging ahead?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments. Many hugs and thank you for reading! It means a lot! More than you know.
© Robin Klammer All Rights reserved.