Can You See Yourself The Way Others Do?

Or, is it always someone else’s fault?

I got my first promotion after just six months in my first professional job as an Auditor for the State of California. My second one came a year later. Then I made a huge mistake and the promotions stopped.

My mistake? I let it all go to my head.

I had this idea of what being a boss was supposed to look like based on television and stereotypes, and acted accordingly. I didn’t realize that being a good manager didn’t mean barking orders and not listening to people.

Several supervisors and co-workers told me that my attitude stunk, but it wasn’t until a good friend took me aside to dress me down that it finally sunk in. I was being an overbearing bitch. It was my decision. Nobody else forced me to be that way.

It occurred to me back then that when enough people tell you the same thing about yourself, you should take a hard look in the mirror, and try to absorb what they say. Only narcissists don’t do that. I’m not a narcissist, and in fact, what they said hurt me deeply.

So, I apologized to a few people, and tried to be a little nicer. It took awhile, but I repaired some friendships and got back on track career-wise. To this day, I cringe remembering that time, but this is one lesson I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

A lot of people apply their own lens to situations in order to absolve themselves from blame, rather than look objectively at what happened. A bit ago I read an article by one of the more successful writers here, in which they blamed Medium and “positivity” for their perceived lack of reads. They didn’t like the term “doomsayers” and implied that having that reputation hurt them.

I had to laugh, because most of what this writer produces is doom and gloom. Objectively, they are a doomsayer. I’ve read a lot about people not wanting to read a steady diet of gloom for any number of reasons. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if their reads are down for the time being. People are simply bored with the subject.

Rather than look at their own behavior or being objective about the situation, this writer blames the outside world, readers, or Medium. Anyone but themselves. And, they continue to write about the coming apocalypse, rather than change their content.

Another writer, one that I follow and really like reading, has decided to leave Medium and blames lowered reads as well. I know that the removal of the “entity bar” has made it difficult for people to find each other, but I don’t believe this is the writer’s problem.

Although I read a lot of their articles because they write well and I like their usual subject matter, they have never, even once, read anything of mine. That’s OK with me because I really like their stuff, but I know others probably got a little miffed. Medium is a social media site, after all, with an emphasis on community. If you don’t participate, how can you expect good results?

But again, this writer puts the blame on circumstances outside of their control instead of objectively looking at their own situation.

Driving together in my car the other day, my friend asked if I would mind if she made a quick work phone call. As she spoke, I could hear her side of the conversation. It turns out that her manager changed a procedure for completing sales that made the whole process much more difficult than it was previously. Something about taking information away from the sales person and adding a middleman.

Even from hearing only one side of the conversation, I could tell that her manager had put something inefficient and redundant in place of what used to work well. Since closing a sale now took additional days, resulting in delayed commission payments, the entire sales team complained about it. Some had chosen to quit.

My friend confirmed that the new way of doing business had already damaged the company’s revenues, and that many significant customers had chosen to go elsewhere. She speculated that if this manager didn’t fix things soon, he’d get the boot.

It’s easy to blame others for our problems. I’ve done it many times, believe me. But, doing that is not always going to make things better.

In truth, I like it when I can hunt down reasons for why things aren’t going my way. If the problem is me, then the solution rests with me. It’s empowering actually. But, it takes the ability to look at yourself critically, and many people are afraid to do that.

I think the moral of the story is to check your ego and move forward. You might be astonished at what you might find out.