Can You Heal a Relationship After You Have an Affair? (You Can at Least Try)
No one really tells us what to do if we truly want to fix things.
By Anya Hollis
Indiscretion and relationships go hand in hand. At some point in many relationships, one person is weaker and decides to step out of their union. The affair usually drives a wedge in the relationship that seems impossible to get over. There are constant arguments and re-lived feelings of hurt and anger. Additionally, not being able to release the rage inside of you because the person you want to hurt is also the person you love.
I’ve coached several couples who had trouble working through their feelings after infidelity occurred. The feelings shared by the person being cheated on was all the same while the person committing the act seemed sorry and apologetic. But, not nearly as emotional as the other person. The cheater always wanted to be forgiven quickly and could never understand why their partner could not just get over it. Often, they were being selfish and wanted things their way instead of slowing down and learning how to mend the relationship instead of just simply moving on.
When we ask our partners to forgive us and trust that we will not hurt them again, we are asking them to trust someone who has lied to them and was selfish enough to only think of themselves. If we were in the same situation, we would probably wouldn’t be able to do what we ask of our partners.
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes in life, love, work, etc. In the midst of the mistakes, we usually learn how to fix them, there is always someone waiting with advice about how not to make the same mistake twice, or waiting there to clean up the mess we’ve made.
On the contrary, there is usually no one there to tell us how to fix a relationship after an indiscretion. I will share five ways to make your partner feel better after an indiscretion.
1. Admit to the indiscretion and answer all questions honestly. You are working on building trust again; honesty is a must. The worst thing in the world would be to lie about a detail only for your partner to point out the discrepancies later. This will create another trust issue and will potentially destroy anything that you have worked to rebuild.
2. Be attentive and listen to the needs of the other person. Remember, it was your indiscretion, and you are asking that your mate stays and is patient and understanding with you. So now it’s your turn to do the same. You have to listen to their needs and concerns and work hard to not make their worst fears come true.
3. Reconnect to the love you once had. This is the trickiest part, because over time, we sometimes become complacent and not as into our partners as we once were. Now is the time to give your mate your undivided attention. Take them to the restaurant they’ve been wanting to go to. Plan a romantic getaway for the two of you. The most important thing is to remind your partner of why they fell in love with you. Rekindle the flame, make your romance fun again.
4. Remember the small things count. This could be something as simple as picking up their favorite snack, preparing their favorite meal, taking a walk, surprising them at work with their favorite coffee or lunch. A day of pampering where you take care of everything and let them relax. You have to make them feel loved and appreciated.
5. Love letters and romantic cards. Sometimes nothing is more intimate than a letter expressing our feelings. It will show that we actually took time out to think of our partners, and we expressed our feelings. It’s better than a conversation because you can go back to it and read it for a reminder. A card is also a great idea because sometimes they the right words and messages in them. It usually takes a while to find the right card, but it’s almost always worth it when you find it.
6. Don’t make the same mistake twice. You have just worked hard to prove to the person you love that they are all you want and need. It would be foolish to repeat the same behavior and cause the same heartache to your partner. You will have made them look insane for trusting you and believing that you would not repeat the same behavior. Sometimes monogamy is not for everyone, and maybe you and your partner need to have a different conversation.
Remember we love the person whom we have just hurt, if they agree to stay and work on trust again, you owe them he world and it is your sole responsibility to prove to them they made the right choice in forgiving you and deciding to stay. You have to make them feel as if they’re the center of your world. When you continuously go above and beyond for your lover they usually return the gestures, and that’s when the love begins to heal.
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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.
About Anya Hollis
For the last eight years, I’ve lived a lie by telling myself that I like my job, and I enjoy what I do. It took that long for me to realize the opposite is true and that I needed to make a career change. I wrote a novel and began to talk about my two favorite subjects, relationships and sex. My ultimate goal is to help couples make their relationships sextacular again. I’m a married mother of two who is always looking for ways to spruce up the marriage and continue the longevity of our union. Join me at AnyaHollis.com.
