Can You Choose to Be Content?
Simple tips for a more nourishing existence.
I had an interesting experience the other night. I was out to a late dinner with some friends and colleagues, feeling satisfied with my decision to consume a sugary banana milkshake at 2 AM.
There were a vast array of people present, some of whom were married, others even with kids. As I looked at them, I was thinking about how it must be relaxing to go home to a spouse to share the meal with, as opposed to eating alone.
Just as I was pondering this, someone looked at me and inquired, “Are you single?” When I nodded, they asked if I lived with a roommate, to which I responded that I in fact lived alone.
Upon my answer, I noticed a subtle — but very visible — glint of longing in the eyes of a couple of the people (the not single ones, I should note) present. One went so far as to say, “Wow, you’re living the dream,” followed by a sigh.
I found this fascinating, in particular, because a moment ago, I had been thinking the same thing while looking at him. I chuckled to myself, wondering if this meant that everyone was just miserable all the time.
Thankfully, I’d like to think not. Reflecting on the experience further, I realized that there isn’t any particular “thing” that will bring you peace, happiness, or contentedness; that’s just an illusion we hold on to for comfort. Rather, experiencing these emotions is in large part directly related to the choices we make with what we already do have.
With that in mind, let’s look at a few exercises that can help us feel this way just a tad more often.
Don’t project your own frustrations onto other people
“You’re so full of yourself; no one wants to be around you.”
“I’m not losing my temper; you just never want to admit you’re wrong.”
“I don’t even know why you’re dating this person; it’s not like the relationship is going to work out anyway for you.”
The above phrases aren’t “tough love” — they’re just downright mean, and you should be on guard if anyone ever says them to you. In the moment, it can be hard not to take it personally, and that’s understandable considering how harsh the accusations are.
But here’s the thing: a person who’s genuinely happy and at peace with themselves doesn’t get any kind of pleasure from tearing others down. If someone seems to have a habit of cruelly criticizing others for no apparent reason, it’s usually because they need an excuse to feel better about their own life.
It’s a vicious cycle. You’re unhappy, so you put others down. You get a temporary high, but then you go home, back to your own unresolved issues. On top of that, those people you were a jerk to probably don’t think too fondly of you. So you sink deeper into your misery, and put others down some more to feel better.
Break the cycle. If you catch yourself wanting to judge or insult others, take a moment to ask yourself if it’s really about them, or you’re just projecting your own frustrations outward. If it’s the latter, choose to act differently. Choose to be kind.
Practice gratitude
There is a significant body of scholarly research which suggests the positive mental and physical impact of showing gratitude for the positive aspects of our lives. Beyond that, it’s been a practice of various philosophies and religions for thousands of years. Our earliest ancestors knew what we still struggle to put into action today: a large part of happiness involves being thankful for what one already has.
- Say “Thank You”: This is the easiest thing you can do. When someone does something compassionate for you, however small, let them know you appreciate it. It’s especially impactful when said to those you see every day and take for granted.
- Keep a journal: I’ve tried doing this at various points in my life, and can vouch for its effectiveness. There’s something cathartic about writing your thoughts and feelings down at the end of the day — especially if you end on a positive note of gratitude.
- Take a moment to pause, close your eyes, and appreciate the little things: the gentle, soothing quiet in the moments right before sunrise, or the subtle glistening of morning dew on the grass. A surprising amount of joy can be drawn from quiet parts of the universe we often fail to see.
- Just smile: it’s as simple as it sounds — try it out sometime :)
Stop running
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” — often attributed to Nathaniel Hawthorne, although its origin is disputed.
I love this quote because it gets at the core of happiness, peace, contentment, tranquility, and all those collective, positive feelings we yearn for endlessly.
Don’t attach your happiness to getting that job, or buying that house, or winning that award. It’ll feel great temporarily, but it won’t last. Why? Because there will always be another goal to achieve, and so too will your happiness remain just beyond your reach.
Look around you, and look at yourself. Acknowledge what you see — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And let yourself be happy now.
My name is Murtaza Ali, and I am a PhD Student at the University of Washington studying human-computer interaction. I enjoy writing about education, programming, life, and the occasional random musing.
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