Can We Reverse a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?

Don’t let your labels clip your wings

“Too often we are boxed in by expectations, by the sense that we have a specific role or function to fulfill. Often in families, children are given a label, the “responsible” child, the “jokester”, the “rebel”. When we give children a name, they play the game”. Dr. Edith Eger introduces us to the idea of labels and the damage they cause, in her book The Gift.

Picture this, a room awash with colorful teeshirts, bobbing up and down to loud and cheerful music. Over one hundred bodies, singing and moving freely. Laughing, exchanging eye contact, and smiling in unity. One single organism remains seated in her chair, transfixed by her book. Ignoring the mayhem engulfing her.

Victoria

Victoria is a 10-year-old girl, she is old beyond her years. She is intelligent, academic, sensible, responsible, well-read, and polite. Yet, with her peers she can be a know-it-all, she is dismissive of their silly ideas. She seems unwilling to stoop to their level. Victoria is perfectly capable of arguing her case on world politics and social justice. But she is a child, why isn’t she childlike? Conversely, Victoria’s 7-year-old sister; Emily, is cheeky, loud, gregarious, bossy, stroppy, mischievous, and chaotic.

Emily is fun, Victoria is not.

It is pre COVID19 times, I am volunteering on a SeriousFun camp for children. At this particular camp, all the children have a sibling back home with complex medical needs. This camp provides a safe space, away from the stresses of home life. An oasis of fun, adventures, friends, and new experiences. Both Victoria and Emily are campers.

As the week progresses, Victoria remains insular. Her vibes are prickly with an air of superiority. Perhaps expectedly, her peers meet her with hostility and sometimes even silence.

In the evening, we break into our small groups to discuss the activities of the day. This is a great time for the children to decompress and is also an opportunity to provide individual, specific and positive feedback to the children, by means of a color bead recognition system.

Each color of bead represents a different character trait, such as kindness, teamwork, fun, and bravery. The purpose here is to identify a positive behavior, highlight it, then outline the specific actions, to the child, which merit the recognition. Thus the process (in theory) helps to reinforce positive behavior, whilst also building confidence and self-esteem. There are various alternatives to this approach, a useful four-step process, for providing positive feedback to adults, can be found here.

As volunteers, we squeeze out examples of kindness, bravery, and even teamwork, for Victoria. It seems none of us can find a thread to pull at, to mark any fun behavior. And so it is, we unintentionally reinforce her labels attributed to her, by her family. She remains the sensible, responsible, and intelligent one. She is not fun. We perpetuate her labels.

We try to gently coax Victoria into the buzz of the group, but we also respect and accept her wishes to remain on the periphery. Let us also acknowledge that the term “fun” is subjective. Whilst Victoria says she is having fun, her eyes and body language do not support this.

Vulnerability Led Change

Something happens, which I believe is the catalyst, for Victoria to trust in herself, and give herself permission, to play outside the confines of her usual labels, and lean into the “fun” territory.

Whilst navigating the climbing wall, Victoria is suddenly engulfed with fear and panic. This normally capable and austere young girl, expresses panic and desire to have both feet on the ground, immediately. She knows she is exposing herself to ridicule from her peers. She braces herself for the inevitable laughter and associated shame. It doesn’t come. Instead, her peers cheer her on, they shout words of support and encourage her to continue climbing, just one more meter, to conquer the top.

I watch as Victoria inches higher. She grabs the top hold of the climbing wall, then abseils down to the bottom. Her peers erupt with applause and crowd around her, to congratulate her on her bravery. I notice she looks different, she is smiling a large, genuine smile. She looks bewildered but delighted with herself all the same. It seems her guard has fallen. By exposing her vulnerable side, Victoria also shows her human side, which creates cohesion with her peers.

The next mealtime, Victoria is one of the bright green teeshirts dancing emphatically to the music, holding hands with another girl her age, swishing her ponytail, and smiling. Her book remains closed on her seat. After lunch, we run to the other side of the camp, where we collapse on the grass giggling. I take this opportunity to tell Victoria what fun she was at lunch. I tell her (truthfully) that her laugh is contagious and her quick humor has me in stitches. She absolutely beams with joy.

I wonder whether Victoria is ever told she is fun or funny? I suspect not. The damage cycle here is simple. She is not told she is fun or funny, which means she doesn’t identify with being fun or funny. Significantly, she doesn’t feel she is allowed to be fun or funny, which results in behavior that is not fun or funny. And so the self-fulfilling prophecy, as defined in this article, is complete.

I manage to sneak an extra bead into Victoria’s palm, a bead that celebrates her sense of fun, yet it stands for more than that. It represents personal growth and bravery for straying outside a label.

Confined by Labels

We are not our labels. At times we may feel our labels define us, but we must seek the strength to break the limitations of these labels and not play to type.

Imagine a person who is told from a young age that they are “helpful”. This can become a label, and the person may confuse their self-worth and value with their level of helpfulness. Their self-esteem may rely on comments from others, referencing their helpfulness. They may struggle to say “no” to people. For our own well-being, it is important to be able to say “no”. Saying “no” can be a superpower, as discussed in this article.

Take Action

Labels often affect our perception of ourselves and others, whether or not they are correct. There are several ways we can break the shackles of these labels.

Breaking labels

Throughout life, we accumulate labels from people around us. Parents, siblings, teachers, peers, friends, colleagues, associates, mentors, baristas, checkout workers, delivery staff … literally everyone we have an interaction with, may attribute labels to us.

There are a number of actions you can take, to firstly identify and then either reject or accept your labels:

• Identify a list of labels you feel represent you, (this may be a lengthy list).
• Consider rephrasing any negative wording. For instance, being “sensitive” can have negative connotations, whereas “emotionally intelligent” is largely viewed as a positive trait.
• Highlight any labels that may serve you. Being called “kind” may help you both give and receive kindness.
• Question and consider the labels you feel do you a disservice, perhaps discuss these with a trusted friend. Is this an area for personal growth?
• Weed out any labels that may be stunting your growth, but also recognize they may be subjective. What is viewed as boring to one person is captivating and compelling to another.

Labels are restrictive and are often incorrectly assumed to be mutually exclusive. Humanity is more nuanced than labels allow for; we can be both ruthless and compassionate.

Consider how you interact with the world. Our dialogue can serve to uplift others, or corner them into inertia. we can use our words to empower others. Don’t be the person to pigeonhole another. When we give others permission, to be authentically true to themselves, and not just a bi-product of their labels, we create space for growth.