Can We Make This Article Go Viral?

No, it’s not for charity. It’s all for me! Muhahahaha

Got your attention?

Good.

Wait...don’t go! Hear me out.

I suppose you’re wondering about the brazen title.

Firstly, let me be clear, this isn’t technically satire. There’ll be a sprinkle here and there, but that’s mainly for the sake of appeal—kind of like how advertisers incorporate post-modernism to sell their products.

This is (as the title makes pretty damned obvious) a shameless ploy to achieve an elusive goal: a viral article.

Unfortunately, the experiment isn’t for a good cause. It’s a purely selfish endeavor. I will be the only one to gain, and I can assure you each and every additional cent will be accrued with rapturous glee.

But I know what you must be thinking: If there’s any justice in the world this will be a humiliating failure. You’re probably right. However, judging by the quality of some of the viral articles clogging my feed, justice isn’t encoded into Medium’s algorithm.

I’m not that naïve. Yes, most likely, this will end up as another dead post indiscriminately dumped in Medium’s catacombs, never to be seen again. But if hardly anyone reads it, how humiliating can it be? Exactly—win-win.

Of course, everybody wants to write a viral article. The benefits are obvious. But how many people are willing to compromise their artistic integrity to do so? Quite a lot actually—success is one hell of a drug.

After all, if you do manage to snag the golden snitch, glory can come in the form of a larger audience. One who might actually pay attention to some of your (ahem) more serious work.

Anyway, as this article is essentially a lot of hot air, let me tell you a bit about what led me to this degree of desperation.

From the moment I could grasp a crayon between my pudgy fingers, writing has been something I just did.

It poured out of me — again, and again, and again.

Considering how much I wrote, my writing was fairly awful for a long time. Eventually, it got to the point where I thought I was pretty good, penning passages so scintillating I assumed they must be beyond criticism.

So when I did solicit others for said criticism, what I truly sought was validation—confirmation of my brilliance.

Then I received actual, no-holds-barred, honest-to-god criticism.

Of course, I dismissed it out of hand. What could they possibly know? I was a genius, after all.

Except I wasn’t.

I was just a young guy with a big head who’d read too many old books.

My style was like a cheap imitation of Nietzsche: verbose, pseudo-intellectual, and alienating. Reading my sentences was the equivalent of being forced to eat an entire chocolate cake (like Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda)—far too rich for most readers’ palates.

Then, at the not-so-tender age of 26, I went to university to study English literature. Say what you want about the education system, but boy did it teach me how to take criticism on board. Surrounded by high-achieving students, and a few tutors akin to living encyclopedias, I got that slap round the face I so desperately needed:

Humility.

I learned that no amount of obscure, polysyllabic words will make your argument more tenable. In fact, it often muddies the clarity of your writing.

Now, with a long succession of failures under my belt, I’ve learned something invaluable:

The creative journey is a series of plateaus.

The more you write, the more you improve. The more you improve, the more you realize how difficult it is to perceive the quality of your writing. This is because you’re usually too close to your work, and stuck on the same plateau. The best test for this is to look back on your creations after a few years, and see if they still stand up to your critical eye. If they do, congratulations! You’ve peaked — it’s all downhill from here. Seriously though, you’ve either written something genuinely amazing or have yet to reach the next creative plateau.

An essential component of becoming a good writer is learning not to be precious about your work, and knowing how to distinguish valuable from bullshit criticism.

What has this got to do with this article going viral?

Not much, but I had to flesh out the length somehow. What better way than to shoehorn in some writing advice backed up by personal experience?

I must confess, I only started taking Medium seriously a couple of months ago. With around 250 followers and under 50 published articles, I’m no Top Writer. To be brutally honest, I don’t feel I even deserve a viral article. But this is in no way going to stop me from taking a stab — who doesn’t want the moon on a stick to show off to all their friends?

In case any of you are still confused, let me reiterate: this is not for charity. With this in mind, I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, please, please share. Let’s see if this selfish experiment has legs! After all, if nothing else, it will be mildly amusing to witness this messy article popping up in your recommended feed. By spreading it far and wide, you have the chance to be part of something; to defiantly raise a middle finger to all the “5 Steps to Success”, and “Why Nobody See’s Your Medium Posts” that stand in the way of my…sorry…our victory!

Worth a shot, right?

If you would like to support me directly you can buy me a coffee.

You can also support me by signing up to Medium using my referral link. Not only do you get full access to Medium, but you will be helping me realize my dream of writing creatively full-time!