Can We Ever Get Over The Loss Of Someone We Love?

For me, the short answer is “no”.

December 6th seems to have come so much quicker this year. It’s the day that saddens me the most, I lost my brother at 9:48 pm on December 6th, 2016. Six months earlier he was vigorously planning his future — an ecolodge in our country Sierra Leone, a judo club and even sending computers to the local university Fourah Bay College. He was full of life and then suddenly, in the space of a few weeks, he was gone. It was traumatic, painful, and still is.

During the months I grieved for my brother, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances would tell me that with time, I would get over his loss. They said they’d been there, that at first, it stings horribly, that at first one doesn’t even know how they’ll make it through the day without their loved one, that at first, the pain was unbearable, but with time, that too would pass. I believed them.

As I started my grieving journey, I watched the calendar closely and wondered why 6 months after Boris’ death, I was still feeling the same amount of pain and missing every part of him terribly. One year in it was the same thing as well as two, three, four, and now seven years later. I would even add that today, I feel pain and despair. I struggle to understand why he was taken from us so early. I watch his children grow and feel immense sadness at the fact that they’re having to grow up without him. I see how similar they are to him and I try to tell them, when appropriate, stories about their father and the similarities they share. I’ve noticed that my niece who is a little older now listens intently when I speak about her father.

At times, I have thought that there might be something wrong with me because I can’t seem to get over my brother’s death like friends and Hollywood narratives tell me to. For them, it seems like grief is linear, you move from one stage to the next and then you’re done. But the fact is, for some of us, it isn’t. For some of us, it’s concentric and for others, pain and suffering continue to grow. For us, we cannot put a timeline on grief, we have to experience it, go through it, go through the suffering, and try as best to live alongside it, every single day. For us, grief takes a permanent place in our hearts and we have to make room for it. We cannot ignore it and hope for the best, that’s not the way it works.

So to my question, do we ever get over the loss of those we love? I would say it depends on the way you process grief. There is not one hard and fast rule to manage it. Some of us will quickly forget the loved one and move on, while others need more time or even a lifetime and perhaps even more. No one should self-appoint themselves as the grief police, instructing others when they should be over with their grief. As far as grief is concerned, it’s no one else’s business but yours.

There are still moments and I figure there will always be moments where I choke up and cry when I remember my brother’s smile or his laugh, when I remember advice he gave me, or recall something he did. Sometimes grief riddles me with unexpected emotions and I feel the sadness rise from my belly all the way up to my mouth. I often have to pause, recollect myself, and find the courage within myself to continue what I’m doing.

In conclusion, I would say that grief is and remains very personal. Don’t let anyone hurry you through it or make you believe you aren’t normal because you experience pain and deeply miss your loved one. Take it at your own pace, it is, after all, your life.

Thank you for reading my perspective.