Can/Should There Be An “Us” Through Her?

How far does the relationship with the child go to keep parents connected?

The Revelation of the Child as Relational Catalyst

I am absolutely sick thinking of a possible divorce. But communication has been so difficult, & has been for a while now; agendas & egos (mostly mine) get in the way of the honesty & affection I keep hoping we’re moving towards. Should that be through the kid? How does that work? How does a/that little person become the lifeline for what happens with the parents? I know that sticking it out for the sake of children is probably a story as old (or older) than divorce itself. But don’t we function as a family & as a couple? Aren’t two fairly distinct relationships on the table?

Currently, my relationship with my wife is strained. As I write this, I am several hours from “home”, sent away so as to allow my wife to recover some measure of stability, a sense of calm & patterning with my daughter. With everyone stuck at home, without the space-inducing forces of work & school, tensions have run high. Never mind the intense anxiety of life during a plague. Never mind…

I was texting my wife last night, trying to get a sense of whether or not we’re over. I know. Logically, rationally, I should wait to return home & discuss with her face to face where our relationship stands; but I am worried, & sad, & anxious to know where our relationship stands. As it is, I’m confused: I feel like I’ve already got one foot out the door. Do we have a relationship? Can we get back/reclaim some sense of marital bliss? Do we (my wife & I) have a relationship? I want one, with her. I believe I have an entirely separate relationship with my daughter (yes, within the larger definition of the family).

That other foot is trying (desperately?) to bodily pull me back in the house.

I keep making mistakes.

I keep tensions high when I do so, as when, for instance, my daughter & I are bickering because I’m trying to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do. As when I freak out because my daughter has climbed onto the counter & for the billionth time, I tell her to get off. As when I get raging mad because my daughter thinks she ought to be able to choose what temperature is warm enough to be outside without a coat. As when…

Doubtless, there are instances I’ve forgotten. I’m trying to be some kind of father, but the truth is, I don’t know what that looks like. It’s as if the trauma of my own father’s death erased all memories I had compiled as to what a good father is/looks like; I mean, that the relationship I now imagine I had with him is coloured by such intense sorrow, I cannot be certain what I have idealized, & that which is a real instance of fatherhood, my own father’s reactions/actions. I don’t have the faith, though, that he did, not in a God who dispenses a list of rules & duties; rather, my faith is in liberal ideas, words, a sense of reality that can be explored from a variety of perspectives, a morality that I suppose is connected to responsibility (which I am doing a poor job of demonstrating: i.e., acting/becoming angry because I take on the attitude of victimhood).

So, even though I know, I do know, that the best way of getting along with my daughter, is to step back, not try to control her actions overmuch, not trying too hard to get her to do the things she believes she doesn’t have to but are her responsibility…I know these things, but it is so hard to back off when everything in my life feels out of my control.

But there’s such a high cost to those mistakes. The cumulative effect of having had to deal with my mistakes for years; they create tension, especially, between my wife & I. That’s not really too farfetched. She, literally, thinks I am an “immature dick” when I cannot seem to get along with my daughter. As she has mentioned on numerous occasions, she feels like she has two children in the house: she’s not attracted to the one who’s supposed to be an adult, who’s supposed to be her partner…

Mired in my frustration over the impotence of my life, that all situations in my future indicate a choices framed within the context of my disability. I still have choices: I mourn the freedom, though, constantly, that came with being able to choose whether I could work as a painter or in manufacturing, or sitting down, that I could get along physically without being constrained by the frailty of a body that suddenly acts as though it were forty years older than it is. This takes me to the point where, as soon as my child bucks me on a point that I think is important (which it may not be; it’s entirely possible that I don’t do a good job of sifting through demands that should really only be required if and only if she’s doing something damaging/dangerous), it becomes one more instance of my fragility, my powerlessness, my severely constrained set of choices, & I lash out. I become belligerent & challenging, demanding that she do better, that she stop being so disrespectful (which might be justified, but probably not the way I do it).

But that’s not what/who my wife married. She’s not attracted to adults with control issues that revert into behaviour patterns of constantly antagonizing a six-year-old whom I am supposed to protect, encourage, support…to keep safe, yes, to educate, yes, but not to become a volatile barely verbal mass of quivering disappointment just because she wants to check out a plant on a shelf…which she can only do from atop the table…

To let go to gain control…

I learned this lesson long ago, by way of conversation with a life-coach. I should have internalized it by now, because when I began to realize, to act on the principle that I can only control my response to things (cliche, old idea, yes, but an adequate way to elucidate the thought), not the behaviour/person in front of me. Had I been acting, these last few years, from the standpoint of the wisdom of this particular dictum, I probably wouldn’t be writing this article, now (possibly, I’d try to enamour you with the beauty of my relationship). As it is, I consistently try to yank control “when I am out of control”, as my counselor says.

That all points to better behaviour, a person I do want to be in any case. I’m trying to be reflective, to isolate the problems so that I can revise my response to my child, & not perpetuate the madness of knee-jerk reactions to every damned thing she does which I don’t like (as if that will ever totally go away; but who cares?! It’s still a potentially wonderful relationship, sewered by an idiot father who keeps trying to wrest control of the whole world from whoever appears to have it).

It remains to inquire as to whether it should be that way, if we should use the child both as catalyst & yardstick for the value of our relationship.

As to that, I suppose I can’t really say. My instinct is to run madly in the other direction; of course, that kind of pressure shouldn’t be put on the life of the kid who just happens to be there. But, I can see how the image (disturbing image) of my altercations with a six-year-old pushes my wife away from me. Things have to get better in my relationship with my child, too; I know, or else I will quickly drive her from my life. & both of them will be lost to me. But there still seems to be something wrong with the idea that I can’t deal with the two relationships separately. Maybe it’s just not feeling intuitive.

Maybe it’s just resistance & I hope that everything around me will change. That’s would be a useless place to stay.

J.D. Harms 2020