Can Self-Reflection Help You Find Your Lifelong Partner?

My experience with finding my friend for life and how this relates to self-reflection.

I’m not the smartest person in the world. I’m not the best looking. I don’t have the most money. I wasn’t the star QB on my high school football team. I don’t have all the charm in the world. I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller.

With this said, one thing I do know I’m good at is self-reflection. It has always been a part of me and is one of the qualities that I am most proud of. Even though it has seemed to come naturally to me I do believe it is something that everyone can improve (if constantly worked on). That may be another article for another day though. I am specifically going to cover how self-reflection helped me find my lifelong buddy.

Are you open to calling out your own flaws?

No one likes calling themselves out. No one likes to admit they have issues. I remember at one point in my life I HATED questioning myself. It made me feel bad about who I was and hurt my (at the time) fragile ego. But little did I know it was the best thing for me for multiple reasons. Specifically, it helped set the stage for finding my wife.

Intimately knowing your weaknesses will allow you to have a good understanding of when you might genuinely be wrong when in a disagreement with your partner. A good relationship isn’t about one-upping the other person and head butting is destined to occur at times. Because of this, knowing the weaknesses that may put you in the wrong during a disagreement can help make you a great relationship partner. Bettering yourself in this way can increase your chances of finding the one. ☝

Knowing what you want

Self-reflection is HUGE for helping you figure out what you are wanting in a partner. If you aren’t using effective self-reflection then how will you ever know what you want in a partner? You might be able to find someone based on a physical and emotional attraction. But solely using those forms of attraction will not help you understand if you are intellectually attracted to them or attracted to who they are as a person.

Self-Reflection Question: Are you ready for a serious relationship?

This seems to be one of the most pressing issues in our modern dating world that has made dating tougher than a game of charades. I sometimes catch myself wondering what the purpose of dating is if you aren’t looking to find the one but are also dating not solely wanting to hook up. This is where the grey area comes into play and you have a hard time figuring out who is serious or not. Cue the importance of knowing what you are desiring.

Are you yourself looking for a serious relationship or are you wanting to play the modern dating “game”? There is no right or wrong answer to this question. If you want to hook up there is no problem with that so long that you are upfront in mentioning this to others. If you want a serious relationship then that is good too (a personal favorite). But you need to always be sure to know what you want. If you find yourself stuck in the middle, you may find others who are stuck in the middle as well. I’m not saying this is always the case, but this could be a recipe for disaster.

Self-Reflection Question: Find someone on your level.

Do your best to try and figure out what partner would best fit on the same level as you. Try to envision how you would best want someone else to react in different relationship situations. What would you want them to do if you got in an argument? Would you do the same for them? Would you handle it reasonably or would you be overly bitter? Having this dialogue in your head can help you understand how you’d like others to react along with understanding how you should act in these situations as well. This way you can hopefully spot issues earlier on in the relationship.

• Do you want someone who is more laid back or would you prefer someone a little more adventurous?
• Do you want them to have the exact same hobbies as you, different hobbies, or some of the same hobbies?
• Do you want someone who wants kids?
• Do you want someone who likes to spend a lot of time with their family, a moderate amount of time, no time at all?
• Do they have the same religious/spiritual beliefs as you?
• What do they consider as flirting with others? What do you consider flirting with others?
• Are they on a similar level as you in terms of physical attractiveness?
• Is divorce an option for them? Is it an option for you?

These are just a few examples of important questions to ask yourself and figure out in others that you want to be with.

Don’t be afraid to cut it off

I am a firm believer that everyone has value in this world. This also includes having value to someone else out there as a partner. So don’t be afraid to cut it off with someone if it doesn’t feel right. Give it a reasonable amount of time but if it doesn’t seem to be working out, end it. This is going to save you a lot of pain in the long run. I understand it can be easy to want to give the relationship time, but you also need to keep that amount of time in check. Time can only work so long in a relationship and you are way better off ending it early than letting a turd pie get overcooked in the oven. Know that you are valuable and that there is someone out there for you. You are worth it to the point of not settling for something that doesn’t look like it’s going to work. It may be hard in the moment to tell yourself that depending on where you are at in your life but will be so much more helpful for you down the road.

This is just my personal experience with finding a relationship and I am thankful to have followed this structure. This advice may not be for everyone but I do hope that this comes helpful to some. 😊