“Hey 香港人?” someone tweeted me today, and I stared at my screen for a long time, not sure how to respond. Based on something that I said, they assumed I am a Hong Konger right away. Do I explain to them that my parents were born and raised in Hong Kong, but I was born and raised in Canada, and therefore am not a “real Hong Konger”? This brings me to the cultural identity crisis that I’ve been having lately. The Hong Konger identity is a very specific one, and I think it comes with a lot of baggage and experiences that I have no right to claim as my own as someone who is diaspora. I wasn’t born in Hong Kong. I haven’t been to Hong Kong in over a decade. I don’t even have a Hong Kong Identity Card. Am I a Hong Konger? I sure want to call myself one, but am I allowed?

Especially with the political climate today, how we identify culturally gets even more complicated. I have Canadian citizenship, therefore nationality-wise I am without a doubt, Canadian. Ethnicity-wise, I’m Chinese and I’m fine with saying I’m Chinese-Canadian since that is technically true. Still, as the years pass I’ve grown prouder of the Hong Konger heritage that my parents have, and I want to be a part of it. I’m no longer the 12-year-old me who tried to act “white-washed” and thought I would be “cool” if I fit in with the white kids at school. (Well, technically I was never truly white-washed because I spoke Cantonese at home 24/7, was around many Hong Konger family, friends, and neighbours, and had TVB playing on the TV every single day. But, I liked to think I was because I watched Pretty Little Liars instead of K-dramas and drank Starbucks. Ridiculous, I know.) When I visited Hong Kong as a child, I remember my grandpa noticing how I visibly did not like the place; it was too hot and humid, and Canada was much better in my mind. Now I’m the reverse; I love the Cantonese language, I love Hong Kong and the culture, and the place. I’m proud of it. Sidenote: This is probably not the right mindset of have but sometimes I’m guilty of thinking that I’m “better” than other CBCs (Canadian Born Chinese)s or Hong Kong Born Chineses(?) because I’m “more Asian” than them. I mean, some of them can barely speak Cantonese, or their only knowledge of Hong Kong media is from a Wong Kar Wai movie, of course I’m more Hong Kongese than them! I know, I know… that’s horribly wrong of me to think that way, cause it’s not their fault. I’m sure many of them wish they could speak better Cantonese or knew more about their culture; they were probably like me before and rejected their Asian heritage and only started reclaiming it as they got older, or the tools to connect to the culture was inaccessible. Still, I think I’m fairly connected to Hong Kong culture, because I speak perfectly fluent Hong Kong Cantonese, and I’m exposed to media from Hong Kong every day in my household, and I have enough general knowledge to “pass as a real Hong Konger” most of the time. Of course, if someone spent enough time with me they would probably start noticing the Canadian personality emerging at some point, whatever that entails. I know I could never actually fit in if I were to suddenly move there now. Their lifestyle is much more fast paced, and the young people there have a particular culture of their own. I’d never be a “real Hong Konger” there but it’d be fine; I’d be the girl from Canada, like lots of other people living in Hong Kong who grew up overseas.

However, it’s a different world online; I feel a sort of imposter syndrome whenever I identify as a Hong Konger and interact with other Hong Kongers on the internet. My recent hyperfixations on Hong Kong media have landed me in social media spaces with Hong Kongers, and I interact with them as if I am another Hong Konger living in Hong Kong. I’ve observed enough to pick up on specific ways they type Cantonese, the slang they use sometimes, and I know which crowds of people prefer ViuTV to TVB. Recently, I even started keeping a small notebook full of Cantonese words that I did not know how to write previously, and I’ve improved immensely. Written colloquial Cantonese is a whole art within itself, by the way. Back to what I was saying… the way which I write my posts or reference things in Hong Kongese pop culture is really no different from everyone else from Hong Kong, and they treat me like one of them. They probably think I’m some girl sitting in Kowloon and not like, halfway across the world in Canada stressing over whether I’m pretending to be someone that I’m not. The only thing is they’re probably wondering why the hell I’m online at 4am when it’s actually the afternoon in my timezone.

Human beings are weird, we rely so much on validation and perception from other people. Sometimes, it’s flattering and validating to hear someone else call me a Hong Konger, or a 香港人. It affirms that I’m not some imposter claiming an identity that I don’t belong to. In the eyes of other people who aren’t from Hong Kong, they simply see me as a Hong Konger. They notice that the minute I open my mouth with my Hong Kong Cantonese-accented Mandarin. They see it in the way my Chinese name is romanized. Maybe they see it plainly in my face. I’ve had a guy tell me I was pretty, but the most memorable part of the conversation was when he said “I think you’re a Hong Konger” at some point. Somehow, hearing from someone else that I’m a Hong Konger was so much more validating than hearing that I’m pretty. Then, I think about how I perceive other people. My friend who is born and raised in Canada with parents from Taiwan, and I think of her as Taiwanese even though she is the same amount of diasporic, and the implications are similarly complicated. She thinks of me as a Hong Konger, so why can’t I do the same for myself?

At the end of the day, I think I’m too prone to overthinking. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and upset anyone. I hesitate to even put a Hong Kong flag in my Instagram bio in fear of looking like a fraud. I’m also aware that there isn’t just one homogenous type of Hong Konger. I think that if I said the words, “I am a Hong Konger” to my parents, they would shut me down and laugh, and they would probably tell me, “No, you’re Canadian.” Yes, that’s true, but why can’t I be both? I’d hoped that by the end of this vent/essay I would come to some sort of conclusion and enlightenment where I decide that I can comfortably call myself a Hong Konger now, but unfortunately I don’t. Constantly clarifying or explaining, “well, my parents are from Hong Kong, but I…” gets tiring, but what can I do? Hopefully, some day I’ll be able to say, “Yes, I’m a Hong Konger” and not feel like a total imposter.