Can Divorce Improve Your Family’s Life?

In our case it did. We’re all happier now.

I know the statistics for divorced families aren’t good. Kids from broken homes are more likely to become depressed, get into drugs, and commit suicide. You name it, it seems like every bad thing that can happen to a kid happens to those whose parents get divorced.

But what if I told you that within a week of leaving my ex, I was happier and therefore my children were, too.

“You’re eighty-percent nicer now, Mama,” my eldest son said to me while I was still unloading the boxes in our new apartment after leaving my kids’ father. My eldest is a young scientist and loves percentages.

He thought I was eighty-percent nicer. That meant eighty-percent less yelling, less irritability, and less unhappiness. This was within just a week of leaving their father. I wondered how much nicer I’d be the next week or the next. It wouldn’t be long until I was one-hundred nicer.

Sure, I still felt cranky and down, but our life had already improved in just one week of me not living with my ex.

We Were Failing as a Married Couple, and So Our Children Were, Too

Not just one of my kids has special needs. Both of them do. At the time that my marriage was most in peril, my youngest son was hopelessly behind in reading. He had yet to be diagnosed with mild autism and Attention Deficit Disorder. All I knew was that he was struggling in school. He couldn’t manage to learn to read. Yes, he was only in kindergarten, but the other kids were sailing past him academically.

Simultaneously, my eldest was having his own problems. He had earned the notorious title of “the worst behaved kid in the class.” This is literally what his first-grade teacher told me. She didn’t say it out of hostility but out of concern.

My eldest was constantly disrupting his class. He wouldn’t do his schoolwork. He would sit in his chair, bouncing rhythmically, shaking his head back and forth. He would talk out of turn. He was defiant with adults. These are all classic ADHD symptoms I would learn later, only I didn’t know it yet.

Our problems at home only exacerbated the kids’ issues at school. My husband was spiraling down the drain. Though he has two Physics Masters from an Ivy League university, he’d become mentally unhinged. He now believed every shooting massacre was a false flag. He ceased to believe in Newtonian Laws. Instead, he believed aliens had come to our planet on gravity-defying space ships. Those aliens lived under the ground in New Mexico, thanks to a treaty they’d signed with Eisenhower. His moods were all over the place. Sometimes he’d cry because he believed the U.S. had carried out the 9-11 attacks against our own country. When I argued with him about it, he’d fly into a rage. One time, he became so incensed, he smashed a box of juice packets with his fist, sending purple liquid flying all over the carpeting. I, of course, was the one who cleaned up. He got back into bed and returned to reading about conspiracies.

He got into seven car accidents in a year. He was so obsessed with all these conspiracies, he couldn’t concentrate. He had no job. Our bank account was close to empty.

I was constantly exhausted. I don’t think I had the energy to work at that point. My whole body was inflamed. My back ached. My neck ached. My head and jaw ached.

I knew I had to leave the marriage, but I was terrified. I had no money, and I knew I wouldn’t get a settlement if I left. My husband was broke. I had no idea what job I could do. I hadn’t worked in years. I didn’t know how I’d manage on my own. My husband had bankrupted me. I wouldn’t even be able to get an apartment on my own without someone co-signing the lease. I was scared stiff about how I would keep afloat with my children, and also disappointed that my marriage had failed.

Almost as Soon as I Left, We All Became Mentally Healthier

Leaving wasn’t easy. Exhausted, broke, bankrupt, and in pain — alone with two children depending on me — I finally jumped into the abyss. I left my husband. Then, within just a week of leaving him, something magical happened: I felt happier. Yes, life was hard. Yes, I was exhausted, stressed, and worried, but I was also in a better mood for the mere fact that I didn’t have to deal with my children’s father anymore.

I became a nicer person, and my kids noticed. I was also better able to take care of them. I began advocating for them at their school. I was successful in getting a diagnosis for both children. As such, I was able to begin the process of securing accommodations for them. My eldest started taking Ritalin. Within just a week, he was better behaved. It was a night-and-day change. The same went for my youngest. He started taking Adderall, and his teachers saw a huge improvement in his ability to learn.

Today, both of my sons are thriving. My eldest is no longer infamous as the most poorly behaved child in his classroom. Instead, he’s famous for reading novels on the playground. He brings home almost perfect scores on his report card.

My youngest has also made incredible strides in school. He’s gone from being chronically behind to reading at grade level. Just last night, he fell asleep, reading Harry Potter. I was thrilled when the other day, he said to me: “I’m smart, Mama.” He is, and I’m so proud of him.

Our Marriage Was Bad for Our Family

I don’t believe these positive changes could have happened had I not left my husband. By staying in the marriage, I spent all my time focusing on his problems. This left me with no time or energy to focus on my children’s issues, let alone my own.

It’s been three years since I left my husband. My chronic pain has significantly decreased as a result. I’m still tired a lot, but the pain in my body is no longer so intense. I’m not constantly laying down for a nap like I used to. I’m not depressed all the time. Sure, I still have my moments, but for the most part, I feel stable and content. I have a semblance of economic stability. I have a boyfriend, who makes me extremely happy.

My ex-husband is doing better as well. He’s no longer so obsessed with conspiracy. He maintains a marginal interest in it, though just last night he told me, “I no longer think all the stuff I read is so important.” He has a girlfriend. He’s gone back to school. He’s happy. I’m happy. The kids are happy.

All this improvement happened only after I left.

Marriage Does Not Always Mean a Family Is Well-Functioning

I know that many people believe that only a two-parent, non-divorced family is good for children. I don’t agree. In my case, staying married was not good for my family. Leaving was.

I’m so glad that I did. It was the best decision for all of us, and today our lives have only improved as a result.