Can Comparing Yourself to Others Ever Be a Good Idea?

How comparison can become our best friend

Comparison is the thief of joy.

President Theodore Roosevelt is said to have been the first to say it, and countless people followed suit, including me.

It’s so unfair. We’ve all had different life experiences, been brought up by different people, had different opportunities, different privileges… Everything is different.

And yet we find something we have in common with someone — for example, the day we started posting on Medium — and somehow think it’s a good idea to compare ourselves to that person.

I’ve done this time and time again. Careers, relationships, possessions… I’ve compared everything I’ve ever had to every person I’ve ever known.

The result? My self-esteem is lower than the chances of a snowball in a sauna.

No wonder I condemned comparing myself to other people. I was sure that the only healthy comparison is the one we make with our past selves.

But my ego, allergic to black-and-white thinking, couldn’t allow that.

I gave it more thought: has comparison with others always been the thief of my joy? Could it even be useful?

This is what I came up with.

We all compare ourselves to others

Comparing ourselves to others is a natural trait. Resisting it is a good idea until you find out you’re actually resisting being human.

When I was a small child, I noticed that my eyes were darker than my older siblings. I had dark green/brown eyes while they had blue and light green eyes.

I’d just made a comparison. I didn’t feel bad about it.

I never thought there was anything wrong with having that eye color until someone pointed it out to me.

That’s how I found out that brown eyes were seen as less attractive than blue or green. My parents even made up a game to get me to stop crying: “If you cry, your eyes will turn more brown than green”.

So a healthy, natural comparison quickly turned into an unhealthy one and I felt inferior to my siblings.

Although comparing is a natural trait in itself, society tells us that some traits are better than others.

This is what makes us feel bad, not the comparison itself.

If we internalize society’s teachings, we’ll feel inferior every time we compare ourselves to others. But there is another, healthier way to respond to comparison.

It’s not the comparison with others that makes us feel inferior, but how we react to it.

Here’s how we can reclaim its healthy version and make it our best friend.

How comparing ourselves to others can help us grow

Instead of feeling bad about ourselves, we can use comparisons to learn and grow.

For example, let’s say I come across an amazing writer on Medium.

Unhealthy comparison: We started at the same time, but their stories are much more popular than mine. I’m so bad at writing! I’ll never be as good as them because (insert self-limiting reason here).

Healthy comparison: We started at the same time, but their stories are much more popular than mine. Let’s check out their latest story. Is there something they do better than me? Can I imitate it and adapt it to my writing style?

Observing what others do better than us to learn from it is an example of a healthy comparison. This is how athletes improve their performance: they observe closely what works for top athletes and practice the same movements.

“This excellent tennis player has just performed a Federer-style movement.”

That’s the result of a healthy comparison.

If you want to find out what you don’t want to do

If you don’t know what you want, comparison can become your friend.

How? By showing you things you don’t want. Let the process of elimination begin!

I’ll use the same imaginary Medium writer as an example.

Unhealthy comparison: We started at the same time, but their stories are much more popular than mine. I’ll never be as good as them because my topics aren’t good enough and I confuse my readers.

Healthy comparison: We started at the same time, but their stories are much more popular than mine. Let’s take a look at them. Oh, wait, they write about their earnings on Medium. I don’t want to write about that topic.

When you know what you don’t want, you get closer to the person you want to be.

That’s the result of a healthy comparison.

Stop competing, start learning

I love learning languages; it’s been my favorite hobby for about 12 years. I’ve written a book about it and take great pleasure in helping others to learn more effectively.

Over the years, I’ve heard people claim to have learned a language in 6 months or even 1 week.

My first reaction came quickly: this can’t be true. However, I found myself using these examples against my own learning. “I’m learning Hungarian now. This guy learned it in 6 months. I’ve been studying it for 6 months, too. So why don’t I speak it fluently? Maybe I’m not good at languages.”

But one day I used this comparison to my advantage.“I don’t mind taking the time to learn a language because I enjoy the learning process. Some of these people probably want to make a quick buck online; these claims sell well. But I don’t want to learn as fast as possible; I want to learn as much as possible and enjoy every second of my journey!”

Learning isn’t a competition. It’s a journey of discovery of who we are, what we can achieve, and who we can become.

I came to this realization when I turned an unhealthy comparison into a healthy one.

We’re all in this together. If one of us achieves something, that doesn’t mean the rest of us are inferior. That person has shown us what’s possible, and maybe, just maybe, we can achieve something similar, too. Let’s see what we can learn from that person.

Leave room for gratitude

If you don’t take it too far and lose the motivation to change, comparing yourself to the less fortunate souls out there can increase your sense of gratitude.

Numerous comparisons have shown me that I’m one of the very lucky people on this planet who wakes up happy every day. My wonderful partner puts a smile on my face every morning. I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world.

I’m sure that through a series of comparisons, you can also find something to be thankful for. Many things, in fact.

But remember: balance is the key to everything. Know when to stop. You’re not better than anyone else, you’re just grateful.

Comparing ourselves to others can be healthy if used as a learning tool. It only becomes problematic when used as a competitive tool.

But, at the end of the day, it’s just a tool. What you get out of it depends on how you use it.

So don’t throw it away completely. Use it wisely, instead.

Happy living, learning and comparing,

Maria