Can A Man Love You And Abuse You?

Have you ever found yourself questioning whether a person can simultaneously love and abuse you? I’ve been there, and it’s a profoundly mysterious experience.

In my case (and possibly yours), he would get offended if I started to think he couldn’t maybe love me and at the same time say such horrible things. It’s almost like gaslighting you into assuming he loves you when he doesn’t. It’s like he doesn’t know what love means.

My ex would minimize it by saying everyone says things they don’t mean when angry. This can be true, so I would try to excuse it as that. I mean, this was pretty extreme stuff to be saying, but I suppose it could make sense. I wanted it to be true that he loved me more than anything.

I wanted to believe it. But he never tried to stop. He used that as an excuse to keep doing it. And it got way worse. He would also say he had no control over it. I used to call it a love switch (later learned the term for this is splitting).

One minute, he loved me; the next, even with simple things, I was all these horrible things. And the put-downs. And in happy times, the “jokes” were underhanded insults. After a while, I started to internalize it all.

I wasn’t myself anymore. I was insecure and lost my ability to trust (how can I trust him when he says he loves me, and THOSE words are actual, but when he tears me down, THOSE words aren’t exact? But then, they are?

What’s true and what’s not?

Can I believe anything he says?

What does he feel about me? Is it the good stuff? Or is it the bad stuff?

Which is the opposite of the good things he said. People speak their true minds when they’re angry, right?

Is he just lying to me when he’s being nice now? How can I trust him when he’s being nice now? What’s going on? What the heck is real anymore??).

These are the questions I always ask myself.

I was always on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop, was scatterbrained, and had a hard time functioning at times, which he used as ammunition to tear me down some more.

It was hell. I felt suicidal a couple of times and was constantly trying to self-diagnose myself online, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I felt so hurt by him and knew it wasn’t okay, yet those words cut so deep they changed me.

By the end of the relationship, I couldn’t get his voice and attacks out of my head. It was constant, even if he wasn’t around. I had a breakdown, and it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t good. This is after four and a half years of being with him. The verbal abuse progressed into everything abuse.

I lost myself and was retaliating. My fight-or-flight (and freeze) responses were constant. I made choices I would never have made before. I didn’t recognize myself. I was a mess.

Please, please, please don’t allow this kind of treatment whatsoever. If he loves you, he will stop. He has to learn to control. Or you should leave. I know that doesn’t sound easy right now but don’t allow it. No one deserves that.

It’s up to you right now to draw that boundary and stick to it. If he can’t respect that, then what does that tell you?

I’ve decided now that I’ve been away from my ex for almost a year, that the next guy I date.. the second, and I mean SECOND, he verbally abuses me (if it ever comes up), I won’t allow it.

I won’t stay and fall more in love/more trauma bonded with someone who hurts me like that again. It’s harder to leave the longer you wait. Sure, if this (imagined) guy can respect that and stop and mean it, that’s different.

The first time my ex tore me down, he brought me flowers (a potted tiger lily) and apologized, and when I told him how hurt I was and how I couldn’t be with someone who could say those kinds of things to me, he said he understood and was sorry and that he wouldn’t do that again. This was very early on.

I still remember the conversation and his face and where we were lying together having this very intimate conversation. He seemed sorry at the time.

Now, I believe he was probably understanding exactly how to hurt me more in the future – and reeling me back in with no intentions to change. I dont remember the next time he did it, or the next.

It became the norm right away, and I didn’t understand abuse, how bad this could get, or how much it would affect me by the end. I kept trying to fix it and talk it out with him after the cycle came back around.

But it just kept cycling. It became my fault he did or said any of the things he did. My fault he couldn’t control his anger. All of his actions were my fault. Little or big.

He may think he loves you. And maybe he does, in the only definition of love he knows. I know that sucks, but you can’t fix how he treats you, or save him, or stop him from doing it. He is the only one in control of his behavior.

No matter what’s going on your end, he is responsible for his.

But you can protect yourself by removing yourself. Healthy love does not feel like that. If you want to be truly loved, create boundaries, and don’t accept abuse. The right guy will love you in the right ways. It won’t be perfect, of course, but you won’t be abused.

You will be loved and respected. Wait for that. Don’t waste years of your life in a relationship that has the potential to destroy you.