‘Calm Down, It’s Not a Big Deal’

Summary

The author, who struggles with significant anxiety, expresses that being told to calm down because something is "not a big deal" is unhelpful and can exacerbate feelings of guilt and shame.

Abstract

The article discusses the author's personal struggle with anxiety and the ineffectiveness of well-intentioned advice to simply "calm down" when faced with anxiety-inducing situations. The author acknowledges the good intentions behind such advice but emphasizes that it often leads to increased anxiety, guilt, and shame, as the author already feels foolish for being afraid of seemingly mundane tasks like driving or using public transport. Instead of calming the author, this approach can reinforce negative feelings and self-doubt. The author suggests that a more helpful strategy is to ask what the person needs and to offer specific, process-oriented assistance, such as talking them through the steps of a task. While the author recognizes the importance of eventually facing fears independently, they assert that in moments of high anxiety, support and understanding are crucial.

Opinions

The author feels patronized and misunderstood when people dismiss their anxiety by saying it's "not a big deal."
Anxiety disorders can make ordinary tasks feel overwhelming, and the author already feels embarrassed about their fears.
Telling someone with anxiety to calm down can inadvertently intensify their anxiety and provoke an internal spiral of negative emotions.
The author believes that anxiety does not reflect one's intelligence or worth; it is simply a challenging condition to live with.
The most effective way to help someone with anxiety is to ask them what they need and to provide support tailored to their specific needs, such as talking through the steps of a task.
While relying on others for support is not a long-term solution, it can be necessary to prevent avoidance behaviors in moments of intense anxiety.
The author emphasizes the importance of learning to ask people with anxiety if and how they can be helped, rather than assuming what is best for them.

That’s the bane of my existence.

As someone who seems to have been born with an enormous anxiety problem, I have heard that sentence or a variation of it too many times.

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has tried to calm me (or someone else, ever) down, and I really do appreciate it.

But I feel like I had to say it somewhere: if you say to me that I need to calm down because what I’m fearing is not a big deal, I will almost certainly feel worse.

Why?

The thing is — I already feel like an idiot for being afraid of the things that people seem to be doing with ease. Driving, ordering food, using public transport. I logically realize in my brain that I'm not an idiot and all of that is just the anxiety disorder that I can battle with and get better. But I still feel really bad. I enter an endless spiral of guilt, shame, and, yes, more anxiety. I know I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, but knowing doesn't do anything for me at these moments.

So when someone reminds me that whatever it is that I’m anxious about is an ordinary everyday activity or that everyone else does it or, you know… it’s not a big deal, my anxiety doesn't just say “Oh, okay, they’re right”, get up and leave. It might laugh and say “See? I told you you’re an idiot.”

In these situations, I try to look at others with anxiety disorders because I know that I can’t look at myself objectively. So I realize that anxiety doesn’t make you stupid, or anything else really, it just makes you… really anxious. And that is completely normal and okay. I mean — it is a problem and it sucks a lot, but I don’t have to feel bad for struggling itself.

Instead, do this…

I decided to say it for the people that are trying to help me (and people like me) and have good intentions: it’s best to try to find out what helps the person you are talking to.

For example, I find that the only thing that will calm me down is talking me through the process of whatever it is that is worrying me.

If I’m trying to get somewhere my brain is coming up with those great thoughts starting with “I’m going to get completely lost and ruin everything” and only getting worse. In this situation, I will actually calm down if someone explains to me exactly what to do to get to my goal.

It’s important to mention that this strategy is not that great for actually fighting anxiety off because I am still depending on someone to help me and it’s always best to force yourself to handle it alone. But if I am so bad that my other options are avoidance behaviors I prefer to ask someone for help so I can at least finish the task without opting out.

Other things that sometimes help me are jokes or distractions.

But most of the time if I had to choose between “Calm down, it’s not a big deal” or being left alone, I would choose to be left alone. Although that is really scary.

So I think it is really important to think about what would help the person you are trying to help specifically. For some, that sentence I hate might be really helpful, and for others, it might even be worse for reasons I wouldn’t even think of.

I feel we need to learn to ask people if they need our help first and then what can we do for them, before acting as we think we should.