Call The Exorcist, My Queer Social Anxiety Demon is on the Rampage!
“Hello!”
…my brain dashes for a response.
“Quick friend or foe?”
“Uh, Hi. =/”
There it goes again… that uncomfortable feeling in my chest.
As ridiculous as it may seem, for an individual dealing with social anxiety, these thoughts are all too common while navigating through simple interactions between friends, coworkers, family members, and strangers.
How about we add another layer to make this recipe for internal emotional disaster just a bit more complicated?
Let’s add that extra ingredient to give it a kick, the fact that you identify as openly queer and the people around you that aren’t happy about it aren’t putting in the slightest effort to mask their biases because why would they?
My heart is racing… help!
Some days are easier than others, the days when you can surround yourself with the people who support you and understand your struggle. Through the years, I have been fortunate enough to find people along my path who have allowed me to speak openly about the things that are bothering me and even notice a shift in my demeanor. The people like this keep my world going and keep me motivated to share my stories and try to help others in similar situations but I still have my days.
The truth is having social anxiety can be crippling at times, even with my aforementioned support system, because no matter how many positive interactions you have, there is a habit formed over time where you tend to only hone in on and pick apart the conversations that left you slightly more broken than before. We’d love to think the world has progressed passed bigotry and judgment of those who identify as queer or even just different, but in my opinion, we just aren’t quite there yet.
What created the monster?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, and I don’t care how cliché the statement sounds; Our experiences shape who we are.
Growing up as someone who identifies as a queer male can be a difficult experience. I applaud any parent out there who has supported their children and offered guidance through dealing with these confusing emotions because not every situation is like this. In fact, most are exactly the opposite.
I could never hide who I was, and whether it was at home, school, or out with a new group of friends, my sexuality was always the hot topic. The feeling of constantly being confronted with something I wasn’t even completely sure about definitely helped summon the demon known as anxiety, which I now carry unwillingly with me everywhere I go. These experiences made me want to lock myself away because if I was locked away, I was safe from confrontation, safe from the questions, and it’s a habit I struggle with overcoming to this day.
At some point, I said screw it and decided to speak my truth; it’s supposed to be freeing, right? According to the portrayals of most queer characters, I’ve been subjected to by the media, my life was supposed to magically change, all the pieces are supposed to fit together, and I can run into my happily ever after.
Wrong.
A new set of problems, the same old me.
Now I’ll keep this part short and simple. Not every queer person will be attracted to someone just because of gender. Why this is a common thought, I don’t know, but the anxiety demon has a field day anytime I walk past someone and try not to make eye contact because if I do, I must find them attractive, right?
Wrong.
But yet, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard comments saying things like “I’m not like you,” … and obviously, that quote is cleaned up compared to the remarks that have really been said.
To put it quite simply, none of these interactions help.
I just need money like everyone else.
Ah work, the lovely place most humans spend most of their time because we’re just stuck in this endless cycle of needing to be part of the system.
Social anxiety in the workplace can be the worst, especially if you're not in love with your job.
In the workplace setting, it's no secret that building rapport will make your life easier, and the connections you make can greatly impact your experience. The problem is, how do you build relationships if your anxiety is telling you that everyone is out to get you?
Most of us don’t.
It’s crazy to admit, but every person I’ve interacted with in the workplace setting has been either role-oriented or I have been approached first. The anxiety demon wouldn’t have it any other way, and I sometimes wonder if I’m missing out on new opportunities because the thought of rejection of any form is just too terrifying to confront head-on.
I’ll get there eventually, and the victory will feel even better when I sit back and realize just how much work it took to actually get there.
Exercising the Demon.
Now I haven’t overcome this battle just yet, but if you’ve made it this far, you’ve probably had similar experiences or know someone who has expressed their issues with social anxiety themselves. Whatever the reason, over the years, I’ve found some things that help, so I thought I’d share my ways of dealing with these issues.
1. Take your power back- It may sound silly and hippy-esque, but I cannot write this article without telling you dear reader, remember you are a unique human being with something to offer, or you wouldn’t be here. Remind yourself that there are things you are great at. Do this in whatever way you can, write that novel, make that 5-star dinner, sing that song out loud, and love your voice because it’s yours, and no one can do it just like you.
2. Calm your mind- I cannot express enough how much meditation has changed my life. It’s a daily practice that just helps me remember to remain present and enjoy the moment. Fortunately, there are many YouTube videos out there with meditations at any length. Sometimes I wake up late and throw on a 5-minute meditation just to keep the practice going; every little step is a step closer to your goal. If meditation is not your thing, try creating a playlist with songs that inspire you and keep you calm. It’s all about taking the time to create peace because, my friend, you deserve it!
3. Breathe- If you have ever felt the rush of emotion from an oncoming anxiety episode, you know how crippling it can be. Train your mind to breathe in these situations; if you are afraid of the people around you judging you, take a quick walk and just breathe, reminding yourself that this moment will pass.
4. Choose the right content- As a fan of metal music, horror, and mystery, I have seen how overconsumption of this material can enter my subconscious and affect my thought processes. Life is about balance, after all, right? Now I am by no means trying to change you in any shape or form because, first of all, who the hell am I to judge? I’m just speaking from experience. Filling your space or device with content that you can relate to that isn’t too dark or heavy can really make a difference, even if you only visit it from time to time.
5. Surround yourself with supportive people- This, to me is one of the most important tips of advice I can offer from my experiences. I’ve had many friends over the years, and trying to protect my mental health while navigating some of these relationships has been more than difficult. I’ve had to let some people go who only wanted to complain as soon as I met up with them or the people who only wanted to go bar hopping and socialize even though they knew this was a nightmare to me. To cut straight to the point, make sure your social circle consists of people who are uplifting and add positively to your experience because this makes all the difference.
I hope you find your way and realize how important you are, be unique and unapologetic, but most of all, be YOU, live, and be free.
-J.J Ems
All support is greatly appreciated!