Why Do I, an Empath, Keep Giving Love Second Chances?

Prompt: Contemplate emotions you’re afraid of exposing to others. What do you hide? Why?

I wish you were here Photo by Neal Kharawala on Unsplash

“Relationships should add to our life, not detract” — Jill (Conquering Cognitions)

I have conflicted feelings about love. Maybe it is because romantic relationships have never been easy for me. I love the idea of being in love, the tenderness it evokes, the feeling of having someone to share my life and laughter with.

More times than not, it feels like too much work.

When we find ourselves at the inevitable bumps in the road, I am caught between two worlds: relationship advice from a cultural standpoint vs that which is available at the touch of a fingertip.

“Stick with it, adjust and compromise,” caution the wise old women from the old country. To me, it sounds a lot like the “Fake it till you make it” aphorism.

On the other hand, modern relationship gurus tell you to walk away from the relationship if things are not going the way you like them or if your partner is disrespectful or underappreciates you or is not supportive of you, and so on.

Their advice usually ends with a “You deserve better than him/her.”

But what about love?

Advising someone to walk away is so easy and yet so hard for the person doing it.

And so you give love a second chance or several second chances. But nothing seems to change.

So I turn to my friends for advice:

“If he’s not meeting your emotional needs, then it’s not a relationship worth having.”
“He’s a good guy. It’s difficult finding a good guy who checks all the boxes.”
“Have you tried telling him how you feel? What did he say?”
“There’s plenty of other fish in the sea.”
“You are beautiful and smart. There’s no need to shortchange yourself.”

Sigh.

None of this is helping.

Maybe I don’t want to be a butterfly who flutters from one flower to another.

Neither am I intent on trying out different chairs until I find the perfect fit.

Call me old-fashioned but I want to make what I have work.

And yet I couldn’t do it anymore when recently I got the same old “Can’t you be a little more accommodating, babe?” This after he turned up hours late for the umpteenth time, making me lash out in reply, “No I don’t have to. I’m not your wife!”

Then I walked away in tears.

Don’t be an ass, babe Photo by Oswald Elsaboath on Unsplash

Why do men in my life inevitably end up making me cry?

It’s not that I’m weak. It’s simply that I care too deeply. I instinctively know what they’re going through in their lives and make adjustments to my life to fit around them and compromise, compromise, compromise.

I don’t think they realize that or why they would keep taking this constant accommodator for granted!

Right up until common sense overrides the empath in me and I put my foot down firmly.

Accommodations can go fu*k themselves.

Oh now, you be like “Whatever happened to the sweet, accommodating girl I know?”

She left, that’s what.

“You don’t need a partner to complete you but to share in your completeness” — Sandra Pawula

My bestie is happily married to a workaholic for the past twenty years. I consider her a saint. And she had to walk me through how she makes marriage to a workaholic husband work.

These are her 5 golden nuggets of wisdom:

Don’t depend on your partner for your happiness.
It is up to you to keep gently reminding them that it is important to make time for you.”
Have your own outside interests and friends.
He doesn’t always need to be your ‘go-to’ for emotional support. That’s why you have friends like me.
And remember, you always have a choice. If it is still not working after repeated tries, you have to do what you have to do knowing that you gave it your best.

In other words, “One person can’t be your everything” — Walter Pop Matthews IV

For most of my life, I’ve been so used to internalizing my feelings that it became difficult for me to articulate them. I wrongly assumed that the person who loved me would know how I felt without me telling them. Soulmates and all of that. But what I didn’t understand was that they were no mind-readers. They, in turn, assumed that I was fine with everything because I didn’t speak up.

Remember when I said that relationships are hard for me?

It’s because even though I’m learning to speak up more and communicate my needs, I sometimes lapse back into my old ways of accommodating them because the crisis on their end seems more deserving of attention.

I feel selfish and petty for being upset because he is just doing his job. Which is helping people 🩺. And when he’s doing his job, I sometimes have to take second place or third or even tenth.

Nonetheless, he’s still the sweetest guy I know. And he complements my highly emotional nature with his emotionally resilient one. He’s kind, gentle, and never raises his voice. He’s respectful and gives me my space. As a long-time volunteer myself, I love the fact that he donates his time to free clinics, treating those who can’t afford it otherwise.

❤️

So I will give my workaholic friend another second chance and hopefully it will work out because this time I have my bestie’s advice for guidance.

Wish me luck 🤞😉

Thanks for reading and thank you Diana C.

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