By the Grace of God: Chapter 14
He transcended the spiritual barrier with her so they could settle their unfinished business
“It’s all good, Debbie. He is here with me, leaning over my shoulder looking at the pictures on your profile. Computers fascinate him. The love you feel now is from your Mom. She is hugging you, filled with regret over her interference in your life all those years ago. Your Mom wishes she’d helped you, brought you and Reg together, instead of driving you apart back then.”
Debbie wiped tears from her cheeks. A sniffle and a smile as she told her mom everything was okay, and she forgave her.
“Sarah, I’m sitting here thinking about my children. Had Reg lived, my children would not be here, and that’s a trade off I can’t fathom. I miss Reg, I love him still, but I love my children more. I don’t regret them at all. And, yes, computers would have fascinated Reg. He never got to see the technology explosion we have experienced.”
Chappy shook his head.
I can’t believe the world now. So many changes since Vietnam. So much has happened, in the blink of an eye, it seems. It is unbelievable that we could find her.
“My guilt is all-encompassing, Sarah. My husband is a good man, a wonderful father, attentive husband and provides well for his family, but I am not in love with him. Do I love him? I do, but I am not IN LOVE with him. Not like I was with Reg, who showed me how to love myself while I grew to love him. Don, my husband, loves me but I don’t know how to love him back. I never have. I worry I am holding him back from finding someone who loves him as much as he loves me. It boggles my mind why he has stayed with me all these years. I have been thinking it might be time to let him go, to find that love of his life.”
Chappy looked like someone slapped his face. He stood up, surprised at her words.
No. She can’t do that. He is the one for her, I see it. She needs to see it, too. Don chose her because she IS the love of his life. Debbie needs to recognize the love and happiness there in front of her. I want her to let herself love him. She has to let me go, not him.
I told her just that.
“Debbie, it might not be that you don’t know how to love him back, but that you don’t allow yourself to love him back.”
Tears caught on a gasp. I saw Debbie sit up straight in her chair and clutch the phone to her ear. Disbelief and realization on her face.
“I don’t know. What do you mean ‘don’t allow myself’?”
I grinned at Chappy.
Looks like you weren’t the one we they meant us to help tonight. Debbie needed us, didn’t she?
My grin grew as the sense of hope and excitement bubbled up in the energy around me and the desperation and futility of earlier faded away.
“Debbie, you’ve been harbouring guilt over Chappy’s death for over forty years. You never gave yourself permission to grieve for him because you allowed that guilt to take over. Give yourself time to grieve for Reg now. Say your goodbyes. Let him go. It’s time for you to live your life without him, not just bide your time until you die yourself. Reg wanted me to tell you that Don chose you because you are the love of his life, now you need to see it, too.”
I looked around for Reg, to make sure I told her what he wanted her to know. As I wondered where he was, Loo smiled and spirit showed me Debbie sitting at her kitchen table again. Reg knelt beside her now, holding her hand. Her mom stood on the other side, hand on her shoulder and nodding in agreement. I sat back, listening to Debbie on the other end of the line, mumbling to herself.
This is what they needed, Loo, a chance to say goodbye. They needed to let each other go.
I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as I watched them together. The brave young soldier who couldn’t leave the horrors of war behind and the love of his life who couldn’t forget him.
Reg kept their conversation between the two of them, but Debbie’s mumbling told me they were speaking to one another. He transcended the spiritual barrier with her. They were settling their unfinished business.
As I watched, Debbie transformed into that beautiful young woman she was as she looked down at the handsome young Vietnam War veteran she once loved. It was obvious she could see him and hear him as he told her it was okay for her to love her husband. It was okay for her to live her life, free from guilt and regret. Chappy allowed me to hear his final comments to her.
I love you, Debbie, and the life we lived when we were together, but you need to find the love and beauty in the life you have left. Stop holding onto me and who I was for you. I am honoured that you acknowledge me and how I showed you what it is to love, now you need to show your husband the same thing. Don deserves to see, appreciate and enjoy how much you love him. It is there in your eyes when you talk about him. You have wrapped your heart in layers of guilt and regret, burying your love for him so deep you couldn’t recognize it. You found two men in your life who loved you for who you are, don’t squander that gift away. Remember our love, the good memories and tell the world about me. Don’t hide me or the love we had together. We were a great couple, Debbie, we shared a lot of love and good memories. You and Don are better than we ever were, love. Embrace him, don’t push him away any more. You need each other. Don’t give up on love like I did.
Chappy reached up and brushed her hair back from her face. Cupping her face in his hand, his eyes shining with love for her, his thumb caressed her cheek. He nodded and kissed her one last time, a slow, sweet kiss full of the love they once shared.
Goodbye my love. I will always love you.
Chappy faded from Debbie’s side. Tears fell freely as I witnessed one of the sweetest goodbye scenes ever imagined. Debbie cried in my ear as she told Reg goodbye for the last time. It took a while, but she composed herself enough to come back to our conversation.
“Did you see that? He was with me, wasn’t he? I wasn’t imagining things, was I?” Hope of being right and fear of being wrong shone in her words.
“No, Debbie, you weren’t imagining things. Reg was with you through everything just now, it was an intense experience. How are you doing?”
The deep, rhythmic breathing on the other end of the phone echoed as she contemplated my question.
“I am experiencing a sense of peace I have not had since before I left Everett in June 1974. It’s trite to say this now, but I didn’t realize I needed to say goodbye to him. My world collapsed around me when he died, but here I am, more hopeful and optimistic than I have been in over forty years. Thank you, Sarah, for bringing my Reg back to me. I didn’t realize how much I needed this, but I guess he needed it, too.”
My throat choked with emotion. It was difficult for me to speak, but I got past it as Chappy appeared at my side again.
“He did, Debbie, he did. Take this moment and run with it. Embrace your husband and the life you live together. Make the most of it, enjoy it, cherish it. That is the best way for you to honour the love you and Reg shared.”
Spirit showed me Debbie looking at the picture of her and Reg, her thumb rubbing his face as if committing it to memory. She took a deep breath and continued.
“If I’d ignored everyone’s well-meaning advice and followed my heart, Reg and I could have had a happy life together.”
“That’s true, Debbie, but it may not have lasted as long as you wanted it to. The real question is whether your true happiness was meant to be with Reg or Don? Reg told you earlier that he lived on borrowed time after he lost his leg and suicide was an option he thought of often, regardless of what happened with you. I think what Chappy wants you to focus on now is living in the present. Remember him, your love and the way you enjoyed life when you were with him. Put that love into your relationship with your husband. Live for today. As the saying goes ‘today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present’. Live, love, laugh and cherish each day, you never know what tomorrow will bring.”
The sound of her standing and walking through her home came across the phone line. Her shutters clacked as she peeked through them.
“Don’s home. I’m watching him get out of the car now. I don’t have that same anxious knot in my chest I’ve had for years. My heart is free, freer than any time in the last forty-five years. Thank you, Reg. Wherever you are, thank you for the gift you gave me tonight. I love Don and I am thanking the Universe, and my mother, for bringing us together all those years ago.” She watched him walk up to the door. “And I thank him for never giving up on me.”
The door opened, and it was a moment or two before I heard Don greet his wife.
“Wow, that’s what I call a greeting. To what do I owe that pleasure?”
Debbie didn’t answer him right away, she spoke to me instead.
“I will let you go now, Sarah. Don’s home and we have to talk. Reg told me he wanted me to share our stories with Don, and I will. I want to tell him about Reg, let him appreciate who he was and how much I loved him.” The love and emotion choked her up as she thought of the years she spent ignoring the love in front of her. “Then I need to tell my husband how important he is, how much I love him and appreciate him for putting up with me for all these years.” Eyes shining as she looked into her husband’s eyes, we said goodbye. “Thank you, Sarah, for reaching out to me tonight. It has been a pleasure speaking with you.”
She moved the phone aside and spoke to her husband. Their voices muffled, I heard mention of coffee and a snack while she showed him mementos from her youth that she found.
“Debbie, my gut instinct told me to reach out to you tonight. Good thing I learned to listen to it a long time ago, isn’t it? Chappy recognized what he was doing in bringing us together like this. Keep my number and call me if you ever need it, okay? Remember, Reg only ever wanted to make you happy. If Don makes you happy, then that makes Reg happy.”
“I will keep your number for sure. Let’s chat in early August, I may need your advice then. I’ll welcome your company, too.” She paused a moment, letting out a note of surprise. “Wait. Wow, will you look at that? With everything that happened tonight, I forgot tomorrow is Reg’s 74th birthday. Explains why you called tonight, doesn’t it?”
We shared a laugh at the synchronicity and said farewell. I knew we would keep in touch.
Back in the office with Loo and Chappy, I let out a contented sigh, releasing the emotions from my conversation with Debbie.
See how the story ends with By the Grace of God: Chapter 15 here:
To start at the beginning, see By the Grace of God: Chapter 1 here:
