avatarH.C. Holmes

Summary

In "By the Grace of God: Chapter 11," Sarah communicates with the spirit of Reg, who shares his deep love for Debbie and the pain that led to his suicide, revealing the impact of his death on Debbie and the regret they both carry.

Abstract

"By the Grace of God: Chapter 11" delves into the emotional narrative of Debbie, who reflects on her relationship with Reg, the love of her life before her current husband. Through a medium named Sarah, Reg's spirit conveys the intensity of their love and the reasons behind his proposal, emphasizing how Debbie's love made him feel truly alive. The chapter uncovers the raw and heart-wrenching details of Reg's suicide, as he describes the moment he chose to end his life due to the unbearable pain from his experiences in Vietnam and the feeling of being abandoned by Debbie. Debbie grapples with guilt and regret, having left Reg to think about his marriage proposal, only to return and find him after his tragic death. The spirit of Reg, known as Chappy to his friend Jeremy, expresses remorse for Debbie having to discover his body, and through Sarah, he apologizes and conveys his wish to have known she was returning to him. The chapter highlights the complex emotions of love, loss, guilt, and the need for healing and understanding.

Opinions

  • Reg's spirit expresses that Debbie made him feel truly alive and taught him how to love someone else more than himself.
  • Debbie is filled with regret for not staying with Reg and for the pain he felt that led to his suicide.
  • Chappy, Reg's spirit, reveals the depth of his love for Debbie and the reasons behind his desperate actions.
  • Sarah, the medium, serves as a bridge between the living and the dead, helping Debbie confront her past and the guilt she carries.
  • The chapter suggests that the pain of loss and regret can be overwhelming, but there is a possibility for healing through understanding and communication with the spirits of those who have passed.
  • Reg's spirit does not remember the aftermath of his suicide, indicating that traumatic events may be blocked from the memory of those who have crossed over.
  • Debbie's unexpected return to Reg's home after his death underscores the profound connection they shared and her deep love for him.
  • The narrative implies that the impact of war extends beyond the battlefield, affecting the mental health and personal relationships of veterans like Reg.

By the Grace of God: Chapter 11

Spirit steps into my life in so many ways, illustrating what they want me to tell or show the world

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

“I kept Reg close to my heart all these years. My husband knows that I lost the love of my life before I met him, but no one else knows too much about him. It became unbearable to even think of him after his death, let alone talk about him. The only way for me to survive without Reg was to lock him away in his own corner of my heart. My husband and I were together for years before I told him about Reg.”

Chappy, Loo and I looked into the monitor that now sat blank, having sat unused too long. In it spirit showed us the scene of Debbie in her kitchen. She ran her hand through her hair. Tears ran down her cheeks. Her eyes reflected sadness and regret.

“Reg scared me, made me feel things that were new and exciting. I was more alive in the years we were together than ever before in my life, or since if I’m honest. He showed me true love, taught me how to love someone else more than myself. I will be forever grateful for the time I spent with Reg, I just wish there had been more of it.”

Chappy stood, silent and morose, beside me, listening to both sides of the conversation.

She made me feel the same way. That’s why I asked her to stay in Washington. Why I asked her to marry me. I was ME when I was with her, not the sad, sorry-looking, one-legged excuse for a man most people noticed.

I peeked over at Loo, who was listening. With three marriages under his belt, he was familiar with heartache. It was difficult to watch Chappy relive a difficult time in his life. I sent up a request to the Universe to make this a healing moment so he could move past it and move on.

“Debbie, Reg told me that what you just described is why he asked you to marry him. Why he asked you to stay in Everett with him. He was himself when he was with you. When he looked into your eyes he forgot the sad, sorry-looking, one-legged excuse for a man that most people saw.” I cringed as I repeated his words to her.

Just for the record, I hated saying that about you. I see you for who you are.

Chappy nodded with a smile.

For who I am, a dead man? Gee, thanks. Chappy nodded and grinned. And I mean that. You didn’t say those things about me, I did.

She cried then, putting our conversation on hold. She was having trouble drawing a breath, never mind talking to me. I waited while she pulled herself together enough to keep talking. Her hesitation and inability to address what I said to her came across the phone. She wasn’t ready yet. When she spoke, it was to ask me something else.

“I’ve been trying to figure something out, Sarah. There’s no way you could have known which picture I held in my hand, you’re hundreds of miles away and in a different country. So, how did you know which picture I was holding?”

Debbie’s voice trailed off at the end as she tried to figure out what game I may be playing.

I think I’m winning her over, Chappy. Got anything else to tell her?

I thought about the different ways spirit steps in and shows me what they want me to know or see. It was difficult to explain to someone who never experienced it. Chappy did part of my job for me by explaining things to her back in the day. She understood better than some.

To delay more difficult conversation, Debbie tried a different tactic. Another line of questioning to find the kink in my armour. She needed to unearth the lies she wanted me to be telling so she could bury Chappy again. So she could continue ignoring his presence in her life and the pain losing him brought her.

She won’t deter us, though, will she Chappy? I’m onto her.

Chappy laughed. You would have made a great CO, Sarah. Your guys wouldn’t have gotten away with shit. I bet your kids don’t, either.

Ha, thanks. It’s a great compliment to be lumped in with Captain Reynolds like that. My kids wish they got away with stuff.

“Are you familiar with how he died?” She seemed prepared to argue with me, but she had my attention. “Has he told you that yet?”

“Yes,” the response was effortless, “he told me he took his own life after the pain of dealing with the events and fallout from Vietnam became too much for him.”

“No, not who killed him, how he died. Did he tell you how he died?” She was insisting I reveal details to her to confirm my mediumship.

I shot a questioning look at Chappy.

What aren’t you telling me?

The office faded around me and I stood in a dingy living room with All In The Family on the television. Chappy, unclean and uncaring, sat in a wheelchair with his service pistol on the table beside him and his K-Bar, a Marine issued survival knife, in his hand. He was crying as he looked at the same picture she held in her hands now. His thoughts of love, longing and anger were deafening to my ears.

The K-Bar was in his right hand, he held it aloft for a moment before screaming his anguish out and plunging it into his right thigh. Blood spurted from the wound, the femoral artery severed. The leather-wrapped handle of his knife stood at attention in his leg, in a mocking salute, as he picked up the pistol.

Staring at the gun, he lifted his chin and put it to his temple. With a resigned ‘I get it now, Yarrow’, Chappy pulled the trigger and took his life. The scene shook me to my core.

Intense, raw emotion blanketed the memory like new fallen snow, but it was not beautiful. It was not comforting. They were the heart-wrenching and desperate final acts of a man with no other options open to him. Deserted by the military he served, vilified by those he fought to protect and abandoned by the woman he loved, in his mind there was nothing left to live for. Nothing left worth fighting for. He ended his life to end his pain.

Did it work, Chappy? Did your pain go away?

You know the answer to that, Sarah. Nothing can take away that pain. That was something I didn’t realize until it was too late.

I steadied my breathing and told Debbie he showed me the scene of his death. That I saw how he destroyed his good leg before shooting himself in the temple. She was silent for a moment.

“I loved him, Sarah, so much it hurt. The depth of my love for Reg scared me. I needed some time away from him, to think straight.

When he asked me to marry him, I realized that it was a bigger question than just being his wife. It would fall to me to be his therapist, wife, partner, friend, lover. It was a lot to take on. I needed to think about it. I needed to make sure I loved him enough to get into the long game.”

She broke down then, releasing decades of pain, regret and guilt. I sat with her, just listening, as she let it all go. There was no need to talk, she just needed someone to be there with her, to understand without judging her. I was glad to be that person for her, as I was for the veterans. It took her several moments to compose herself enough to carry on.

“I walked away from Reg at the airport, yes, but I didn’t walk away unscathed. My heart was in his hands, I had given it to him months before. I trusted him to not hurt me, it was myself I didn’t trust. With good reason, too.”

“Debbie, you need to get past the guilt. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. Chappy made his own decisions. No one told him what to do.”

I shrugged at Chappy.

It’s true.

She blew her nose before continuing.

“You’re right, no one told him what to do, but you’re wrong, too, Sarah. There is every reason for me to feel guilty about his death. I was the one who pushed him over the edge, forcing his hand to suicide because he felt as if he had no other options. I was the one who found him, did he tell you that?”

Chappy and I shared a stunned look.

Did you know she was the one who found you?

He swallowed hard and shook his head.

“You did? You went back to Everett? That is news to Chappy. He didn’t know you came back or found him. He remembers the act of choosing to die, but he doesn’t remember what happened after he pulled the trigger.”

She seemed surprised at that.

“Why doesn’t he remember? It’s a pivotal moment in his life, you’d think he would remember that.”

“Ha, yes, you would, but it was also a traumatic one. To take a life, regardless of whose life, is to scar your heart and soul. When Chappy ended his life, he hurt his heart and soul more than it already was hurting. He may have known what was going on, may have known you found him, but he blocked it out. It would have upset him to see you upset that day. To bring that moment back to him is to help heal him. He needs you to help him, on many levels.”

She admitted having felt him with her in his home the day she found his body. He had been dead two days, the coroner told her, and there was nothing anyone could have done to save him.

“Even if I had been sitting in the room with him and stopped him from shooting himself, I couldn’t have saved him. He would have bled out from the stab wound in his thigh in a matter of a minute or two. You’d think knowing that would help. It didn’t.”

Debbie took a moment to compose herself before a smile shone through her words.

“I love that you call him Chappy. The only one I ever heard call him that was Jeremy. It was like a secret between them that only they were privy to. Reg liked those visits with Jeremy, he didn’t have many friends. People were awkward around him, but once they got to know him, they were fine. Not enough people got to know him. His circle of friends was just getting into place when I left. That first step onto the plane at Paine Field was the first knife through my heart. My leaving broke my heart worse than I broke his. That plane didn’t take me home, it took me away from it.”

Chappy interrupted me then, unable to keep his own emotions in check.

Sarah, tell her I am sorry she found me like that. If I had known she would be the one to find me, I wouldn’t have done it. If she had only told me she was coming home, there would have been a different ending to our story.

“Debbie, Chappy… Reg… wants me to tell you he is so sorry you were the one to find him in that state. He would never have wanted you to see him like that and wishes he had known you were coming home.”

She laughed a derisive, self-deprecating and mocking sound.

“I never expected to go home to him, didn’t plan on it. I didn’t pack a bag, just grabbed my tote bag and headed to the library. Next thing I remember was sitting on a plane being told to put my seat belt on and prepare for landing. Nothing with me but my wallet, a few books, notebooks and a pencil case. I exited the plane and found myself back at Paine Field, two months after I left it. It was early August, not too hot. I hopped in a cab and headed straight to Reg’s house. I realized then why I was back in Everett. It was time to rejoin the heart I left behind.”

Continue reading with By the Grace of God: Chapter 12 here:

To start at the beginning, see By the Grace of God: Chapter 1 here:

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Historical Fiction
Military
Veterans
Spiritual
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