Humor, Screenplay, Love

Buttercup: the Story of Love, Carjacking, and Rap

Get to know how one charming Snake caused a lot of amusing occurrences!

Hi, Julia!

This is Beatrice. Hope you’re doing well, me too.

A week ago, a fantastic story happened to my neighbor, Joshua. Do you remember him? He looks tall and athletic, very handsome. Maybe he is too sensitive, though. So, the story goes like this:

He had a wife, Clariсe; you saw her visiting us along with him a couple of times. Joshua loved her very much, but something went wrong, and she decided to break up with him.

She had moved to her parents’ house, and he was left alone. But soon after that, she realized that she had forgotten her pet snake, Buttercup, at his home.

This snake is quite large but not venomous. She was brought to them by their friends six months ago from the Amazon. I suspect this was one of the reasons they broke up. Imagine waking up in the morning and seeing a snake in bed next to you instead of your wife!

Well, I’m fantasizing a little, of course, but the snake in the house, in my opinion, is not quite normal, and the fact that Clariсe was so attached to her could also alert Joshua.

One way or another, Clariсe had gone, slamming the door, and a day later, she called Joshua and requested him to bring her Buttercup. Well, Joshua couldn’t say no because he loved his wife too much. Unfortunately, the breakup was so hard for him that he started boozing. All these two days, he was drinking non-stop. And when it came time to take Buttercup to Clariсe, he was still drunk.

Of course, he would never have gotten drunk behind the wheel if not for such a situation. Especially since he had just bought a new Porsche 911 for $300,000. However, grief dulled his prudence; he flopped into his luxurious car, threw Buttercup in the back seat, and drove off. And because he was drunk, he had forgotten something, which was to lock up the container with the snake within. Looking ahead, I will inform you, my dear Julia, that it was precisely this forgetfulness of his that made what happened next so amusing and even, I would say, grotesque.

So, being in tears and half-self-oblivion, Joshua was racing in his Porsche, with hope and pain, anticipating a meeting with his beloved Clariсe, wondering — maybe they will be able to make peace? But maybe — who knows! — on the contrary — he will see her for the last time in his life… Buttercup was dozing on the back seat, dreaming her snake dreams…

It all happened at 666th Street and Infernal Avenue intersection, where Joshua stopped at a red light. As it became known later, a gang of car thieves had recently been operating in the city. They were desperate fellows — they stole cars, sold them to buyers they knew, spent part of the money on drugs, and then, being under the influence, they composed gangsta rap about how they stole cars, consumed drugs, and composed rap. Then they also used to sell their music, which made them even richer, so at one time, they even wanted to quit their criminal business. But without it, they could not compose rap even on drugs, as inspiration didn’t come to them.

In short, they came up with an elaborate scheme. Corrupt cops provided them with information about people with luxury cars who, for one reason or another, were the easiest to rob, and Joshua got on the list.

So, they first hacked the traffic light control (they had the coolest hacker in their gang) to force the red light to turn on when a targeted car pulled up to the crossroad. Then they switch the light to green, but as soon as a car starts moving out, a biker suddenly drives out onto the road from the sidewalk. A car hits him, he falls, and a driver, naturally, jumps out of the car in shock. The crucial point is that almost always (they knew about this since corrupt criminal psychologists supplied them with confidential data on drivers’ behavior in such situations), a driver leaves a car open with the key in the ignition. The task of the “biker” is to quietly spray the driver in the face with a special gas supplied to this gang by corrupt CIA agents. This gas slows down a person’s physiological reactions and, within a few minutes, puts him in a vegetative state — almost unable to think and not even to remember his own name! As you can guess, while this is happening, the perpetrator’s accomplice jumps into the car and drives it to the dealer. After that, the biker, of course, needs to sneak away from the crime scene, but this is not difficult since he is on a bike.

Well, for the criminals, at first, everything was as usual — Joshua, although drunk, braked at a red light. Then he moved from the spot on green, and then, out of nowhere, a biker jumped. As planned, Joshua’s Porsche hit the latter, Joshua, even more shocked than before, jumped out of the car, ran up to the “victim,” tried to help him, and received a dose of “vegetable gas” that nobody around was able to notice… he blacked out even faster than usual due to being drunk as a skunk.

But then everything went awry. Buttercup woke up and felt that something was wrong. Glancing around, she realized that it was not Joshua driving but some unknown dude. Since she was curious from birth, she crawled out of the container (as I have noted Joshua forgot to lock it) and wrapped herself around the hijacker’s neck.

Actually, she was just about to get to know him and maybe make friends, but you can imagine how this dude felt when he realized what was going on.

Of course, he was horrified. As witnesses later said, somewhere in the middle of the 119th block, a Porsche-911 braking with a piercing squeal was captured, and a jeep immediately crashed into its back, followed by another car, and another… Instantly a massive traffic jam formed on the road, just like in Luc Besson’s movies — some cars collided, some just stopped, people jumped out, shouting, cursing, waving tire irons and baseball bats, and some started shooting upwards.

Immediately, police cars appeared, filled with policemen who had not yet dined with police dogs that had not yet dined as well. And in the epicenter of all this hell, an unlucky carjacker with a snake around his neck was rushing back and forth, unsuccessfully trying to tear her away from himself, getting more and more panicked. (I note that he was later also charged with animal cruelty).

Very quickly, the police tied him up, carefully separated Buttercup from his body, and took both to the police station.

That’s where it all came to light!

About carjacking, drugs, and gangsta rap. Joshua was also found and taken to the hospital. Luckily for him, he came to his senses in two days, and in the end, no one noticed that he was driving drunk.

And Buttercup, actually, was delivered to Clariсe, who was very happy with her, but she didn’t even remember about her husband. Poor Joshua!

Well, I hope he will find a new wife, this time without a snake around. He is a noticeable guy — handsome and quite wealthy since he has his own Internet company that sells music across the Web. It’s funny that, as it turned out, those criminals were one of his clients, and he also earned money by selling their gangsta rap. Marvelous are thy works, O Lord!

Well, that’s all, my dear Julia. I kiss you, hug you, and wait for you. We have incredible sunsets here overlooking the sea, in my wine cellar is a bottle of a magnificent 1991 Château to celebrate the publication of my new novel. Let me know when you decide to come. I’ll invite Joshua too. You will like him, undoubtedly.

See you, take care!

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