“But First”… Why is there always a “But First…?”

Some bad days just gang up on you. They can strike without warning leaving you catatonic in the aftermath wondering exactly what happened and how did you get caught in the whirlwind events of the day. This was one of those days.

I was in the middle of making waffles when our youngest child, a toddler, poured a whole box of corn flakes on the floor. I moved her back to the counter seat she had held before the cereal mess, and knew I needed to get the vacuum to clean up the kitchen floor.

BUT FIRST…I needed to finish serving the waffles with butter and syrup all around with side orders of egg omelets to the four empty bellies surrounding the kitchen counter. One of the kids had let the dog in to help me and she was eagerly swallowing those dry corn flakes just as quickly as possible.

I do not normally give the dog dry corn flakes on the floor, but I decided this would most likely not cause any permanent damage to her intestinal track if she enjoyed a few mouthfuls.

I started for the vacuum again after everyone was served waffles and egg omelets.

BUT FIRST…I decided to load the washing machine with a load of laundry. I needed to accomplish a lot of household chores and I figured it could be washing the first load while I worked on some other things, like cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast dishes for five.

BUT FIRST…I stopped for just a moment with the door left open on the washing machine to answer the ringing phone. Bad timing.

While I finished the call a few steps away in the family room where it was a little quieter, one of the children added an item to the washer without my knowledge.

When I returned, without looking inside I added a few more items and started the machine.

I headed back to get the vacuum again to tackle the dwindling pile of corn flakes.

BUT FIRST….There was the unmistakable smell of what we refer to as “smelly roses” in our home when I walked a few steps back in the kitchen from the adjacent laundry room. This means a fragrant diaper change has top priority over anything else happening. Normally, the diaper is still on the child.

Not this time. I can’t say that I blame the same toddler who dumped the corn flakes for not wanting that awful smelly substance on her delicate butt, neither would I.

It only took about an hour or so to clean up the counter chair she had been sitting on after she took her pants off along with the bath to clean up what was down her legs and not on the chair. I went to get the vacuum again.

BUT FIRST….I had to drag the now green looking stuffed dog away from the dwindling pile of corn flakes she was lying beside breathing heavily.

I had temporarily forgotten about her and had to carry her to get her to even go back outside.

It was time to clear away the counter dishes from the finished breakfast during the “smelly roses” chair and bath clean up time with the toddler before it had an opportunity to become any more of a leftover mess than it already was.

I almost had all the dishes done and was ready to get the vacuum next.

BUT FIRST…I had to get a bath towel from the dirty laundry pile to temporarily soak up the new mess on the carpeted kitchen floor. One of the older children had decided to help me with refilling some juice glasses while I was cleaning up the kitchen dishes.

A whole jug of orange juice was lying on its side empty on the floor near the corn flake mess I had not gotten to yet.

Now I needed the carpet shampooer too.

We dried tears and repaired injured feelings. I took another container of frozen orange juice out of the freezer and set it on the counter to thaw for later.

I was headed for the vacuum and the carpet shampooer we conveniently store next to each other in the garage.

BUT FIRST….I needed to move the washing machine items over to the dryer as the buzzer had just sounded as I was nearing the garage door.

When I went to move over the load of whites, they were not white anymore, but instead a very vivid pink. I had no idea how this happened. I moved things around and could see nothing red or pink in the whole batch of wet pink clothing.

I added the package of emergency dye remover I keep on hand for, well, laundry emergencies, and I felt this one qualified as a laundry emergency.

I restarted the washing machine hoping to get out the pink coloring before it set.

Having accomplished restarting the same load for the second time, I was off to get the vacuum for the still laying on the kitchen floor pile of corn flakes from hours ago and the carpet shampooer for the kitchen carpet with the towel covering the orange juice spill.

BUT FIRST…I went to answer the door for the UPS man.

Then, upon shutting the front door I noticed a rather muffled strange sound. It was loudest behind the couch. The sound had to be coming from the downstairs via an air vent in the front room.

It sounded like a large water fountain splashing on a statue or something. I should point out; we don’t have a fountain in the basement. I would need to open the box later and determine if it was what I had ordered.

BUT FIRST…setting the box aside, I immediately went downstairs to investigate, telling all four children to stay upstairs.

I found the fountain. It was really the sump pump doing what sump pumps normally do. Pump water up from below ground level to above ground level.

The utility room was flooded because the pipe that normally carries the water to above ground level and outside the basement had come separated for some unknown reason.

I had to stand in and reach through the ice-cold spewing fountain to determine this fact.

Of course, I was standing in the fountain when I unplugged the sump pump. My Guardian Angels, plural, were working overtime and in retrospect, I am thankful I was not electrocuted.

Having no other immediate choices, I used a little maneuvering to get the pipes back together again, said a “Please God” prayer and restarted the pump to clear out the accumulated water.

The pipes held together and ran steadily for several minutes with a constant sucking sound.

I had no idea why the sump pump was running either. It was not raining. I would need to get the carpet shampooer to suck up the area of water-soaked carpet near the utility room door too.

BUT FIRST….About here I remembered I had four unattended children upstairs and took off running upstairs having the water removal process in motion.

I was greeted by one child playing with two hands full of an orange substance I recognized but could not immediately place. She claimed it was Play Dough. I knew this was impossible, for we have no Play Dough in the house.

I asked again what it was this time asking for the place it was obtained. Her sister informed me it was Velveeta cheese she had gotten out of the refrigerator herself.

I took my creative child to the trash can and cleaned the pliable orange substance from between all ten fingers grateful it was not on any other surface I could see.

I was trying to decide which mess to clean up next.

BUT FIRST….The phone was ringing again, and another child answered it for me.

He brought it to me, and I was in no frame of mind to talk to anyone at that moment still in my soaking wet clothes from the water fountain a few minutes before.

I wrote down a message and went to check on all the children to see what else had happened in my absence with the sump pump.

Everything looked in reasonably good order at that minute.

I went to the laundry room to strip off my cold wet clothes. I was almost dressed when I heard the crash and wail, so I left with half of my body in clean dry clothes and ran to see what had happened.

BUT FIRST…Another child let in the dog who tripped me as she was knocking me out of the way trying to get to her water dish.

I guess all the dry corn flakes had taken their toll on her thirst by this time.

I got up only slightly battered and limping from the fall and went to see what all the noise was about.

It was only two knocked over barstools on one favorite toy by one scared toddler. We picked them up together, and to repair this situation required only some snuggling, kisses, and hugs.

I was thinking about getting the carpet shampooer and vacuum again.

BUT FIRST….I needed to finish getting dressed on the other half of my body.

BUT FIRST…The washer was buzzing again, so I rechecked the vivid pink, what should be white load. They were white again.

When loading the items in the dryer I found the vivid pink culprit. It was, that is past tense, was a red glitter coated Christmas tree bulb removed from the tree that was now nothing more than a very clean white Styrofoam ball.

I threw in another load of clothes and shut the lid this time without a pause. I started for the shampooer and vacuum once again.

BUT FIRST….By this time it was getting close to lunch and the children were hungry again, so it was time to start lunch. I figured that while they had lunch, I could clean up the sump pump, orange juice and corn flake mess if all went well. It sounded like a good idea anyway.

They did get lunch.

During lunch, before I could get any other messes cleaned up the dog threw up the semi-processed corn flakes. Not once, but several times as I chased her between two rooms trying to get a hold of her to throw her outside.

I cleaned up those spots, making a mental note of new sites for the carpet shampooer I would get out of the garage soon and I was just about ready to clean up the kitchen lunch dishes when I remembered that I had to get the mail out to the mailbox or it would miss the pickup time and I would have to drive into town to get the postmark date.

BUT FIRST…I had to go back downstairs to my office to get the envelopes and put stamps on them before I could take them out to the mailbox.

I hurried and made it in time to see the mailman a short distance away. I was heading back into the house when it registered that water was pooling in the front of the house in the gravel driveway. It was the garden hose running.

A quick guess indicated it had probably been turned on by some child early in the morning to fill the birdbath in front of the bay windows well before breakfast.

That explained why the sump pump had been running and the flooding in the utility room.

I went back inside to tackle the lunch dishes and other messes waiting there and decided to head directly toward the shampooer and vacuum again.

BUT FIRST…It was time for the children to rest for a while. We do not always have naps here. We “rest”. Even if you don’t sleep, you must rest in your bedroom.

I needed the children to rest at this point if there was any hope to get back in control of the day’s events.

After the normal amount of settling in, I was going to get the vacuum and shampooer.

BUT FIRST…I would stop and clean up the lunch dishes still sitting on the counter.

Then I would get that vacuum and shampooer no matter what.

BUT FIRST….The dryer buzzer with the formerly vivid pink load now white again was buzzing. The dryer load needed to be folded and the items waiting in the washer needed to be moved to the dryer and another load needed to be started in the now empty washer.

I was going to get that shampooer and vacuum next.

BUT FIRST…I went into the garage and when I went to get the shampooer, I noticed a strange puddle in front of the extra fridge we keep there.

Like a dummy, I just pulled open the door without thinking about it first. CRASH! SPLASH! Crash! Glug, glug. Flump!

Close your eyes. Well after you read this first, then close your eyes to visualize this one.

Imagine a big bottle of soda fell partially over and that must have been the initial puddle maker. When I opened the door, the contents rearranged with the bottle knocking over a bottle of red wine which rolled and then fell off the shelf in front and when I quickly slammed the door it got knocked on the second shelf and shattered a gallon glass pickle jar.

The wine bottle broke in the process and when the noise stopped, I peeked in the fridge in time to let out a large amount of soda, wine, broken glass, whole dill pickles and pickle juice all over my feet and the garage floor.

Trust me, the combination smells almost as bad than the “smelly roses” did.

I was in shock.

I had to clean out the fridge now too, and the garage floor.

BUT FIRST…I needed new pants and socks. I figured the jeans dark color would make the red wine diluted in the pickle juice unnoticeable after washing.

BUT FIRST…All I could do was go get the keys out of my purse and move the van out of the garage and open the overhead door at this point to air things out a bit.

This was going to be last on the cleanup list with broken glass added to the cleanup process.

BUT FIRST…I had to get the shampooer from the garage and fill the solution reservoir to use the machine on the dog vomit and orange juice messes upstairs which were higher priority than the waiting water mess downstairs and the wine and pickle juice in the garage.

I emptied the dirty water container of the now nasty used cleaning water a couple of times upstairs before heading downstairs to suck up the sump pump water from the area of carpet that was wet by the door.

I emptied the vacuumed-up water and dumped it back down into the sump pump reservoir several times.

This is kind of funny in an odd way since that is precisely where the water came from in the first place.

Finally finished, I lugged the heavy machine back upstairs to the kitchen to get ready for the garage mess.

BUT FIRST…Rest time was over. All four were ready to come out of their room.

It was way too exciting wherever I was.

So far so good.

I was really carrying the vacuum into the kitchen to clean up the corn flakes which was the very first thing I had started to clean up first thing in the morning before all the rest of the day fell apart with mess after mess.

BUT FIRST…It was time for a snack. I was certain all we did around here was eat by this time. I had a snack too having missed lunch in the chaos and then cleaned the kitchen for the third time of the snack dishes.

I was ready to turn the vacuum on and was standing near the corn flakes pile.

BUT FIRST….It seems that whoever used the vacuum last had failed to empty the reusable dirt cup. So, back to the garage trash to empty the full cup out and keep the dust mess from the inside air so I could vacuum up corn flakes in the kitchen.

BUT FIRST….It seems the vacuum will not suck any corn flakes off the floor.

The last person who used the vacuum also clogged up the hose.

So, a trip back to the garage was needed to get a broom handle for brute force on pushing the clog through a flexible hose and hand tools to remove the hose from the unit to use the broom handle on.

This took a while. I discovered that Lego’s, small bits of cardboard, dust bunnies, dog hair and other unidentifiable household items make very effective hose clogs. This clog had to be cleaned and removed outside.

This left a small mess for the shop vac on the rear porch outdoor carpet to attend to later, if ever.

BUT FIRST…The vacuum had to be all reassembled in the kitchen.

By some miracle, I finally removed the corn flakes from the floor.

All I had to do was empty the debris cup again in the garage and put the vacuum away to be just about exactly where I started at early this morning regarding taking some time to do what I thought was some normal day to day housework.

I had worked on the house all day and had absolutely nothing to show for it.

I needed to tidy up around the house a bit from all the toys strewn about the kitchen area while I worked on mess to mess with the kids’ help.

BUT FIRST…I moved all the children out to the driveway to play in plain view while I cleaned up the entire interior of the garage fridge and the garage floor red wine, glass, and dill pickle juice mess.

I dumped the carpet shampooer tanks of wine and pickle juice in the bushes hoping it would not kill anything and more importantly to keep the horrid mixture from anywhere the children could step in it.

It took what seems like forever before I was ready to clean the interior of the shampooer appliance and mop the floor with a solution of Mr. Clean, then a solution of Oxyclean to remove the last of the residue.

Then it needed to be rinsed with clean water a couple of times to finally rid the garage and fridge of the smell and last of the cleaning solution residue.

I brought the children in the house and moved the van back in the garage. I was thinking about sitting down for a few minutes to rest, or maybe moving the laundry around again as the day was quickly nearing evening.

BUT FIRST…I needed to start thinking about preparing dinner for the family before I picked up our eldest child from an activity in less than an hour.

We would all five need to load up in the van to get him seatbelts and all.

Then, the phone rang….

“Hi Honey, how’s it going today? I was out for lunch and the weather would have been perfect for a bike ride. It’s been crazy here. I’m going to be running late for dinner because I need to pick something up on the way home. I was wondering, after dinner, can we just sit on the couch tonight and do nothing? I’m tired. Oh, by the way, did you get all your stuff done today you were talking about last night?”

“You stop.”

“MOM!”

“Mom, make him stop.”

“You don’t share!” AAAHHHGHHG!

Crash!

“That’s mine!”

“NO!”

THWACK!

A loud child’s wail is heard sounding even louder as it approaches.

“What’s going on there? Is everything all right?”

“I have to go right now honey, right now, see you later.”

June Cleaver, Carol Brady, Mrs. Huxtable, Aunt Bea on Andy Griffith, Mrs. C on Happy Days, Wonder Woman, nor Marge Simpson ever had days like this.

Neither did Bat Man, Superman, Spiderman, Ironman, James Bond, or MacGyver.

I did, and never got a sitcom, comic book or character created to immortalize it.

Does anyone know where to send this kind of a script idea? Truth can be stranger than fiction. I proved it in this one day.

There must be a movie plot in here somewhere…BUT FIRST I need an introduction…

If you found a moment of joy in my true story of a trying day, please take a moment to clap, highlight, add your comments and subscribe to enjoy my upcoming personal moments of humor. I also write professional entrepreneurial content to help you build your wealth and business while you juggle the absurdities real life alongside me.