Bullies Come in All Sizes

Often, it doesn’t end in childhood. Understanding why bullies bully and how to cope

I know about bullies. I was on the receiving end of their taunts from my second year of grade six to about grade 11. It was an emotionally painful time in my life.

I was tall and thin and didn’t know how to carry my 5' 8" frame with confidence. I was also socially inept and extremely shy. I unwittingly made myself a target by walking with my head down and my eyes averted.

We who were set upon for no good reason, didn’t know how to defend ourselves. You just end up enduring the onslaught while putting on a brave face. Then you go home and cry into your pillow at night.

I survived through sheer stubbornness and, I suspect, an inner courage I didn’t know I possessed. I had no one to talk to who would understand until I met my future husband. John actually loved me just the way I was! Wonder of wonders! Others aren’t so blessed and never recover from being told they’re essentially a waste of breath.

For years afterwards my own experience with bullies, and despite the fact that I was loved, I couldn’t look in a mirror without asking myself: am I really alright? To this day, I have never been completely at peace with the way I look. The emotional trauma left behind in the wake of bullying never really leaves you.

Unfortunately, those of us who were bullied, tended to lash out at others, too. I’m ashamed to say that I have been guilty of bullying. It’s too easy to join forces with others against some hapless individual whose only fault is the way they look, talk or behave. It gives you a sense of power; makes you forget about your own pain for a time.

Sadly, bullying is quite common. And while pervasive in elementary through high school, it can also occur in other settings including with siblings in childhood and far into adulthood among work colleagues, work supervisors, friends groups, and other social communities. VeryWellMind

What’s really disturbing to me is the fact that some childhood bullies become adult bullies. And bullying can take many forms. Aggressive driving, for instance, strikes me as a form of bullying, with one driver trying to make another nervous by riding their bumper and honking at them repeatedly.

It’s too easy to believe the worst of people, whether it’s a politician or a next-door-neighbour. However, it seems that public figures are the most often the target of our disdain.

Take a President of recent memory. Love him or hate him, there’s no denying that the man endured relentless bullying of epic proportions, not only from his political rivals but from the mainstream media who, I expect were loath to bite the hand of those in government who were and still are supporting them financially.

I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right to have treated a President of the United States with such blatant disrespect, no matter what his faults may have been.

Common Reasons People Bully

So what happens to a person to makes him or her a bully? There are 7 common reasons why people bully, according to experts.

Emotional Trauma

People who are hurting from their own difficult life experiences and who lack the coping skills to manage their pain, will instead intentionally lash out at others.

They’ve Been Bullied Themselves

Essentially, if someone has been bullied by others at school or at home, they are likely to become bullies themselves.

Learned Behaviour

If a child has had an unhappy home life, especially with an abusive parent or sibling, or has witnessed an adult bullying others, they may see it as a normal part of life and repeat the behaviour.

Insecurity

There have always been unspoken tiers of social status, or cliques. People with bullying tendencies may taunt others to try to fit in or use it as a means to make themselves feel superior.

Poor Social Skills

Someone who has limited social skills or has a hard time getting along with others, may choose to bully. They may resent or be jealous of the person they target or feel that they aren’t getting the attention they want from them. These people lack the coping skills needed to manage and respond to uncomfortable social situations in a healthy way.

They Feel Anonymous

Computers and the online universe provides cyber bullies with anonymity and that gives them license to be even crueler than they’d ever be in person.

Lack of Empathy

Some bullies are driven by a desire for power and attention. They don’t know, or have never learned, how to be kind or respectful. They lack the ability to relate to another’s pain or to understand how their behaviour hurts people.

How to Deal With Bullies

Bullying often begins in childhood, for whatever unhappy reason. Sadly, for some, it becomes a lifelong habit.

Recognize Bullying as Unacceptable

The most important thing is to recognize that what you’re experiencing is bullying and that it is not acceptable.

Realize It’s Not About You

If you have faced bullying or are currently being bullied, you may feel, as I did, that something is wrong with you. This is just not true. The problem rest squarely with bully.

Don’t Bully Back

Studies have shown that fighting back can make matters worse. It won’t solve the problem and it satisfies the bully to know he/she has gotten to you.

Recruit an Ally

It can be helpful to stick close to someone you trust. Bullies are essentially cowards, so they may back off if you hang out with someone who might possibly intervene and would certainly be a witness.

Tell Someone

Let others know you’re being bullied. It could be a teacher, a parent, a colleague or a friend. These people can help by interceding for you.

Hold the Bully Accountable

Tell the bully that the way they’re talking to you is not acceptable and tell them not to do it again. Be specific about what’s troublesome about what they’re doing or saying.

Try to Stay Out of the Bully’s Way

Whenever possible, try to avoid coming in contact with the bully. This isn’t always possible, especially in school or work situations where you may share the same classes or office space.

Improve Your Body Language

Stand up straight, with your shoulders back and your head held high. It will make you look and feel more confident. This in turn, makes you look less like a person a bully will want to engage.

Avoid Reacting

Walk away whenever possible. This robs the bully of the control they feel when they get a reaction. However, behaviours may escalate, in an attempt to force a response. Case in point:

During a high school gym class I was being relentlessly taunted for the duration of a volleyball game. My bully was on the opposite team to mine. I refused to react, but as I was leaving to go to the change room, this girl came up behind me and challenged me to a fight, punctuating the request with a shove.

Well, that got a reaction. I was in no way prepared to tangle with a girl more than twice my size and I recoiled in horror. It was the push I needed to finally seek help from an adult. We were both summoned to the counsellors office the following day. The bullying stopped after that.

If You Witness Bullying

The most effective thing you can do, if you come across a scenario where someone is being bullied, is to speak up. Intervene by loudly confronting the bully about their behaviour, changing the subject or enlisting the help of an authority figure.

Final Thoughts

Bullies are people who need to feel in control, likely because they have been bullied themselves. Understanding that the behaviour has nothing to do with you, personally, is the first step to putting a stop to it.