AINYF SHORTS

BulletProof Your Recovery

There is no bulletproof strategy other than dealing with your feelings one day at a time

I learned one of my most valuable lessons in recovery at Knott’s Berry Farm with my family.

There is only one way to experience going to an amusement park. You have to see it through a child’s eyes. There is no adding up the costs of the day: Parking, gas, tickets, food, and souvenirs. No stressing over $15.99 for a cheeseburger, fries, and Coke.

This was my desire: to see Knott’s through my son’s eyes and to feel his excitement as went from ride to ride throughout the afternoon.

But my wife had a different way in mind of doing Knott’s. She wanted me to play traffic cop to ensure our son stayed within her one-arm distance rule from either of us all day and she reminded me of this rule every few minutes.

The Bad News of Recovery

Tim, a friend from my recovery group, once said this AA maxim during a meeting: “The good news about recovery is, you discover your feelings. The bad news about recovery is, you discover your feelings.”

I didn’t fully understand what he meant until our trip to Knott’s. You see, I wanted to run from ride to ride with my son like we run from house to house on Halloween, but this was not an option with my wife’s one-arm distance rule, and I discovered the bad news of recovery: my feelings.

I felt like we were visiting an art museum or a library rather than an amusement park with roller coasters that go from zero to 82 mph in two seconds and I began to feel resentful that we were walking at the pace of a metronome.

I became sullen, but suffered in silence.

Finally, after a half-hour of feeling frustrated, I realized that if we were going to have a chance at achieving unity, then I had to accept that calibrated behavior would rule this day, even if it meant giving up how I wanted to do Knott’s.

My Recovery Lesson

The recovery lesson I learned on this day is how important it is to process and to work through my emotions, especially the most difficult ones.

The most important thing I learned in recovery is that feelings are the underlying cause of addiction, and if I avoid dealing with my emotions for any length of time, I will take a step closer towards the ledge of a relapse.

So I did what I learned to do in recovery: I felt my feelings, allowed myself to feel the sting of their hurt, and then let them pass through me.

I felt like a tetherball chained to a pole.

I felt like a lobotomy had been done on my brain.

I felt like I was a hippie forced to work in an office cubicle.

I felt like a traitor to myself.

Mostly I felt angry, but I expressed these feelings to myself and to God and grieved the lost chance to experience Knott’s my way, and I let go of the resentment I was feeling towards my wife and we enjoyed the day as a family.

It Ain’t Easy

So, if you want to bulletproof your recovery, there is only one way I know how: You have to deal with the feelings behind your addiction.

It ain’t easy and it will hurt.

But if you keep working through your feelings you will find healing in yourself. One day at a time.

Check out my YouTube video on my first three weeks blogging on Medium.