Building The “Other” Dream Team: Remaking the USMNT

What might an assemblage of America’s best look like if soccer were our national pastime?

Another major soccer tournament comes to a close, with a familiar feeling of disappointment among U.S. fans. Again we make a spirited run. Again we come up woefully short against superior, more skilled opponents.

Ever wonder how things might be different if soccer were America’s past time? Just how good could we be if our best world-class athletes played football?

And let’s be honest here: we’re talking about the men. The women don’t need us to build them a Dream Team. The USWNT is already perfect.

As for the USMNT? Let’s build the Ultimate American XI.

The Starting 11 (4–2–3–1 formation)

Striker: Odell Beckham Jr.

You’ve seen OBJ show off his skills in warm-ups. The guy is a monster athlete with a huge vertical, blazing speed, terrific agility, and great foot skills. He’ll be a huge target man up top and will be deadly in attack— it’s just a shame he won’t get to use those famous hands, too.

Left wing: Antonio Brown

A natural lefty, he’ll use that positive left foot to get the cross and set up Beckham. We also know Brown can cut on a dime — he’s probably one of the best route runners the NFL has ever seen — so his quickness and shiftiness will be a real asset cutting back in from the wing.

Attacking mid: Chris Paul

Who better to put in the attacking “10” role than the best point guard of our generation? CP3 will become CP10 for marketing purposes, a pit bull whose vision is always two steps ahead the opposition’s. He’ll use every veteran trick at his disposal and he’ll be the metronome that makes this attack tick.

Right wing: Russell Westbrook

Russ may be the most absurd athlete in the world — you could make a case for him at probably seven different positions here. We’ll go with his initials, where his speed down the flanks, his incredible dribbling on the attack, and his ability to go left or right barreling in on the goal are sure to be indefensible.

Box-to-box midfielder: LeBron James

LeBron is Paul Pogba, only if you added four inches and 50 pounds of muscle. He’ll be a beast that covers the entire pitch and his trademark runs from end-to-end will strike terror in the goalie’s eyes. No one will be capable of chasing down an attacker from behind like James — maybe no one in history. The chance for him to win one for the Land … of the Free? Yes, please.

Holding midfielder: Earl Thomas

Thomas will be the USMNT’s Javier Mascherano. Slight build aside, he’ll act as a safety net at the back, sagging back to cover when LeBron makes his runs forward. Thomas has great vision to cut off the diagonal runs or make a key interception when needed and he’ll lead the defense.

Left back: Patrick Peterson

Logic suggests PatPet will have a tough time replacing the legendary Deion Sanders, but we’re confident he’s up to the task. His blazing speed will make him useful on the overlap with Brown and will also give him plenty of ability to recover on defense where he can make opponents miss in the open field.

Center back: Julio Jones

Julio is the modern day center back in the mold of Jerome Boateng, a superb athlete who can do a bit of everything. His leaping ability makes him a beast aerially, and he’s quite a target when he gets forward on the attack, too. With his natural athleticism and IQ he will be all over the pitch.

Center back: JJ Watt

Watt is that True American (New Girl type) that always seems to end up with a cracked skull or grass-stained calves. Watt is as physical as they come, wearing down attackers that dare come through the middle, an homage to his favorite player John Terry.

Right back: Richard Sherman

With Russ always forward on the attack, it will be important to have someone behind him to play stout defense and clean up the mess. Sherman is a physical player that can eliminate the opponent’s top attacking threat, not to mention his ability to drop some well-timed smack talk. International incident, anyone?

Goalkeeper: Kawhi Leonard

Sharktopus is the man we want in net, the ultimate sweeper keeper who treats defense like his own attack. Kawhi will use those giant mitts to clean up any ball that dares get through the defense.

The Bench

Forwards: James Harden, Stephen Curry, Adrian Peterson

Harden is Arjen Robben. He always goes left and he flops like you’ve never seen, but HOLY COW can the man draw a penalty and finish at the net.

AP will be more of a second striker or wing attacker for the USMNT. He’s just a physical freak, able to run through multiple defenders at times en route to glory.

Curry will be our American Messi. His sleight build may leave some doubters, but he will use his hips and footwork to create space in the middle of the pitch. Plus he’ll act as the team’s free kick expert, absolutely deadly in placement from distance.

Midfield: WING Patrick Kane, MID Mike Trout, CDM Tyrann Mathieu, CAM Russell Wilson

No one in the world has ball skills quite like Patty Kane — the ball seems an extension of his body. Kane is a natural wing and has a penchant for the goal.

Trout is the rare 5-tool player — speed, footwork, aerial attack, shooting, and defending. His versatility means he can be the first off the bench or a late fill-in wherever needed.

Mathieu will do all the dirty defensive work in midfield, cleaning things up for the U.S. when Earl Thomas needs a break. He can make a long run forward at times too. Honey Badger DGAF.

It was a back and forth battle between Wilson and Andrew Luck for the final attacking spot. Luck has the pedigree and is the more celebrated passer, but Wilson’s agility and ability to create space and make a play won out in the end.

Defense: CB Rob Gronkowski, CB Jimmy Graham, RB Eric Berry, LB Justin Gatlin

Gronk is Gronk. He will Gronk in the box. He will Gronk with a fox. You should not Gronk him here or there, you shouldn’t Gronk him anywhere.

Jimmy was a three-sport stud in college with hoops and football, but soccer won the day. His size and athleticism make him a natural fill-in for Julio at CB.

Eric Berry will be the team’s hero story, returning after a full recovery from cancer.

Gatlin will return after missing the last World Cup cycle but his speed is blazing as ever and his physicality helps him defend with great pride.

Keeper: Anthony Davis

Brow will use his 7.5-foot wingspan to cover just about every inch from side to side. He’s spry and ready to defend those rare spots in between.

Management

Team President: Theo Epstein

Oh sure, remaking the Red Sox and Cubs is great, but let’s see Theo do it for a team that has never won a World Cup in the history of the world.

Team Ambassador: Kobe Bryant

It’s weird not having Kobe as part of the squad for the first time in two decades, but he’ll serve a vital role in retirement. He’s still our guy and always will be.

Head Coach: Mike Krzyzewski

Coach Belichick was replaced for being a bit too defensive. Fans clamored for a return to the beautiful game and Coach K is the guy to do it. He’ll implement Phil Jackson’s triangle passing game, of course.

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