Broken Hearts

And a glimmer of hope

I switch off the lights and I jump in bed. My feet are cold, I hate the winter… and I’m so tired, it’s been such a long day with so many things to do at work. I wrap my arms around my daughter and we wish each other goodnight. I have a feeling we’re going to fall asleep in no time. Not even one minute later I feel her little body shaking in my arms and I hear her sobbing. I am completely awake at this point, scared that something is not right or that she’s not feeling ok. I turn on the light and I start checking her up to make sure she’s fine.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Is anything hurting?” Her little voice barely manages to respond: “No, no… I’m ok.”

She’s definitely not ok. So what’s going on? Did those girls upset her again in school today? I swear I’m going to tell them off myself tomorrow: “Then what happened? Were your colleagues mean again today?“ “No, it’s not about them. You know what happened…” I do? What? I’m about to ask again and then I see it… She’s holding her tiger. Well, the new one, not her original one. I haven’t seen her in a while holding that toy at bedtime. And it dawns on me. She remembered her favorite toy, her best friend since she was a baby. I take a deep breath because I know it’s going to take a while before we are going to fall asleep tonight.

I sit down next to her and I hold her tight. And then she explodes: “I miss him. I want him back. Why can’t I have him back? Why won’t he let me have him?” My heart drops and it crumbles into a million tiny pieces again. It’s not the first time she sobs while asking for her little singing tiger back.

I’ve mentioned this toy before in the pieces I wrote here. When she was a baby she received a small tiger as a present and it soon became her absolute favorite thing in the world. It had this long tail you could pull and it would sing a lullaby. Each night she was going to bed this song would play over and over again until she was asleep. They were together everywhere: water parks, kindergarten, plane rides, doctor’s office. You name it, the tiger was there, right in my daughter’s arms, present in every single picture I have of her since she was a baby. Until one day, almost 3 years ago, when she left it in her father’s bag and he refused to return it to her ever since. She cried, she asked nicely, she begged, and she promised to do anything he wanted in return for her precious friend. He promised she would have it back, he kept saying that if she said this or if she did that he would give it back to her. She said and did everything as he demanded and yet she never received it back. There were a few instances when they would talk over video calls and he would say “Hey, you wanna see who’s here with me?” and he would start dangling her tiger in front of the camera. Why? Why? Why would you do this to a kid? To your own kid? She was inconsolable every single time this happened. I begged him as well to return him and he said to me “If she wants him back, she can come to me and take him herself”. What? He lives in another country and we are going through legal battles and he is not allowed to be with them unless I’m present and he comes up with this solution? He ended up telling her that he gave it to me and that I didn’t want to give it back to her. That he left it in a bag next to our doorstep and that I wouldn’t give it to her. He didn’t know I had a camera installed there, which showed clearly not only that he didn’t leave a bag next to my doorstep but that he wasn’t even there at all the day he mentioned. Eventually, I did the only thing I could think of. I bought her another one, identical. She said it’s not the same and that she wanted her old one that was barely singing, the worn-out one, with the broken tail. She kept the new one though, hoping one day she would have her old tiger back too.

What do I tell her now? How do I console her at this point? I just hold her tight and tell her I love her.

“Why doesn’t he care? Why doesn’t he care that I cry and I miss my tiger? There’s just one thing, only one thing that I want in this life from him. I don’t want anything anymore from him except my tiger. I will ask him again to bring him back.”

I try telling her that it won’t change anything now if it didn’t work for the past few years. I promise I will get her another toy, anything she wants. But she’s adamant, she wants to try one last time. I say ok and I tell her to be prepared for both outcomes and to not let it bring her down if he won’t do it again.

“Mommy, if he won’t give it back now can I tell him you will call the police and say he stole my toy?” Silent tears roll down my face while I squeeze her tight. “Baby, I wish the police could help us get your tiger back.”

We stay like this for a few good minutes, I just let her cry it out while caressing her and kissing her. And then it strikes me.

“How about we do something else? “ She stops sobbing for a second and looks up at me. “Like what?” “Well, I can’t give you your tiger back as much as I want. But I can help you keep his memory present in your heart forever. And I can help you tell everyone about him. Imagine if all the kids in the world would know the story of a beautiful princess and her brave tiger.” She looks puzzled and lost: “What do you mean?” “I mean… let’s write a story together. The story of you and your tiger. A story parents can read for their children.” “But this won’t bring him back to me.” “Yes, you’re right. It won’t bring him back. But it will keep him alive in your memory. And all kids will smile hearing or reading about all your adventures together and they will want to have their own tiger.” Her face lights up a bit after hearing my idea but she’s still unsure. “But I don’t know how to write a story, mommy.” “I don’t know either. But we can do it together, I’m sure. You wanna try?” “Ok, we can try.”

I wipe her tears and ask her if I can turn off the lights. “Yes, I’m tired and tomorrow I need to think about everything we need to mention in our story.” She holds the new tiger tight and I feel like there’s some new hope growing back in her.

I have no idea how to mend her heart sometimes. But I will do anything that I can to fix what he broke. And if this time this means that I must write a kid’s story, then so be it. Now I’m going to start doing some research about this topic — I really have no clue how I’m going to pull this off.

If you like the above story, you can buy me a coffee to fuel my passion and keep me going. Thank you!