Broke Men Created the “Gold-Digger”

Men’s fear of gold-diggers isn’t about women

Gold-digging has a misguided connotation with “stealing”.

Societally, we’ve demonized most things related to women. Whether or not there is an actual connection to women, if something is perceived as “feminine”, it comes with a stigma. Especially when that thing happens to step on the egos of men.

The conversation surrounding gold-diggers came to a head for the thousandth time recently thanks to Tik-Tok. These conversations spring up every few weeks when someone decides to re-ignite the debate. This time, a woman created a Tik-Tok saying she doesn’t need to “work” a traditional job because she dates wealthy men.

She was a self-described gold-digger. The Tik-Tok was mostly innocent, showing off her lifestyle, but of course, sparked a big response. She then followed the original Tik-Tok up with an assessment of why so many men were bothered by her lifestyle. And hers was a perspective I’d felt about “gold-digging” for a long time: if it’s an option, let people choose it. Why should it or would it bother anyone else?

Well, because the controversy around gold-digging has nothing to do with women.

What is a gold-digger?

It’s worth acknowledging the definition of a gold-digger has gone through a lot of change. The Google definition of a gold-digger is, “A person who forms relationships with others purely to extract money from them, in particular a woman who strives to marry a wealthy man.” It’s an inherently gendered term.

Its intended meaning is a person who is only interested in being with someone because they’re wealthy. They’re not interested in their looks necessarily, age or personality. They’re attracted to the wealth. That definition in itself is short-sighted and devoid of context. It doesn’t take into account men who specifically want to provide financially for women, despite the fact these men make up a large amount of these types of relationships. Especially online.

Gold-digging has attracted a misguided connotation with “stealing”. It seems like people have generally just started labeling any woman who wants to date someone who’s financially well-off as a gold-digger. If you like someone for more reasons than their money, you're not a gold-digger, even if they’re wealthy. If money is something that’s important to you, along with other features: you’re not a gold digger.

Many women who want to date someone financially secure, are themselves already financially secure. Or they’d like to build families and have children. It’s not unreasonable to want to be with someone who’s able to provide for a family if your long-term goals are to be a mother, caretaker, or stay-at-home mother.

Is it really about women?

Gold-diggers have struck a chord of fear in many men. Primarily those who aren’t financially secure. It’s created an idea of women as money-stealing monsters, waiting to steal all their money.

The insecurity is personal, as most feelings of insecurity are.

Because the definition doesn’t acknowledge that most women don’t gold-dig poor men, and many are open about their financial preferences and seek men who can meet them. You’d think then, there’d be no fear. Men who simply don’t meet this standard would avoid these women. No. It’s never that simple.

The insecurity is personal, as most feelings of insecurity are. Is the “gold-digger” fear really about women?

When it comes to men’s insecurity about being wealthy and sole financial providers to women, I can’t help but wonder if it’s less to do with women, and more to do with other men. It’s about the insecurity of being able to match up to the financial standards of other men. Not women who want these financial perks. Patriarchy hurts men. While women can perpetuate damaging ideas created by the patriarchy, ultimately the system is created by men. These rules were made by other men.

If it was about women, I’d imagine this specific group of men who are angered or afraid of “gold-diggers”, would simply date women who are not interested in men with money. Which, let’s face it, is a large majority of women. Instead, the focus is kept on trying to put down the women who have made it clear they would not date them. It’s an attack on their choices. And there is no attack on another person’s lifestyle that has nothing to do with you that doesn’t stem from insecurity and ego. Bruised egos.

Gold-diggers are a reminder to some men that you’re not able to get every woman you want. You’re not entitled to women. On its own, this is a reality check, but it’s also a strong reminder of how they feel about themselves compared to other men.

Is it even about money?

The origin of the standard that men should financially provide for women, is a rule of the patriarchy. It was a rule made by men for men. Does it still work in today’s world? Of course not. Are there still residual effects of this idea? Of course.

Both women and men have internalized this idea, and both perpetuate it. That being said, being able to dismantle this idea means that the focus of men’s anger shouldn’t and can’t be women. Women are not the reason these societal standards exist. Throughout history, women have not always been able to work. Up until the 1960s, women weren’t able to have bank accounts without their husband's permission. Women still make less money, even today.

It’s about money as much as it is about patriarchy, gender roles, and perception. Being perceived as successful, in the patriarchy, is still heavily tied to a man’s ability to financially provide.

When it comes to gold-diggers, much of the anger directed towards women is misguided. It’s not about women or money. It’s about a war on egos and entitlement. We could probably chalk up most inter-gender issues to those two things, but for now, we’ll focus on gold-digging.

Cheers to the gold-diggers for winning what feels like a losing game.