Brewing a Toxic Relationship

The recipe for a chemical romance

Let’s start off with a chemistry lesson, shall we?

Perhaps you know what LD50 stands for. If you are a chemist/toxicologist, you probably know what this metric means. For those who don’t have the relevant background, let me explain (with the help of Wikipedia):

In toxicology, the median lethal dose, LD50 (abbreviation for “lethal dose, 50%”), LC50 (lethal concentration, 50%) or LCt50 is a measure of the lethal dose of a toxin, radiation, or pathogen.The value of LD50 for a substance is the dose required to kill half the members of a tested population after a specified test duration.

Relationships resemble chemistry, in a way. If the latter is strong between two people, then you get yourself a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Now, I’m not a chemist myself, but I will show you how to increase your relationship’s toxicity to LD100 (why stop at LD50, anyway?)! If you follow the recipe to a T, none will survive the upcoming turmoil.

Here’s how to do it:

Ingredient #1: The vocal range of a lion

Lions are fascinating creatures. They are strong, athletic, and hunt in groups. The males have distinctive long, thick manes and a decisive look that strikes terror in every animal in the savanna. The alpha males rule lion prides over miles of land.

One extraordinary characteristic of lions is their roar. It’s hard to miss once you are in the vicinity. In fact, they produce roars on the scale of 114 decibels and can be heard from 5 miles — or 8 kilometres — away.

That’s loud!

The trick in a toxic relationship is roaring so much that the other person is unable to articulate speech. You must display your peak vocal capabilities both in terms of frequency and intensity.

For example, say you are having an argument with your significant other over who will cook lunch that day. Are you constantly talking over them, effectively silencing them with your mighty roar? Is your pitch high enough for your neighbors to hear as well? Then you are heading to the right direction, and will soon achieve the desired relationship toxicity levels!

In your relationship, act like a male lion. Always have your voice prevail over anyone else’s. Roar with all your might, as if you are always addressing a competitor crossing your precious territory.

Speaking of competitors…

Ingredient #2: Spicing things up

After raising your voice to an almost unbearable level, the next step to establish a toxic relationship is a pinch (or two) of antagonism.

Picture a fighter entering the ring, with his blood boiling, ready to do anything to K.O. his opponent.

In your toxic relationship, you are that fighter. You have practiced your moves and techniques intensively over the years. You were waiting for this moment your whole life, the opportunity to show your adversary who’s boss. Your only aim is to win.

The man or woman on the other corner is your partner, husband/wife or significant other. Their intentions are unknown. They could start fighting dirty, or they may wish to have a fair fight.

The ring is a heated discussion or argument in your relationship. A personal struggle that evolved into a full-fledged competition around who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s any everyday situation that could otherwise be resolved through dialogue and mutual understanding between the parties.

But where’s the fun in that, when you are in a toxic relationship?

To get the recipe right, do your best to show the other person you are Mr. or Mrs Always Right. Give them a chance to witness your superior intelligence, physical prowess, or social skills. Find their weak spots, and make sure to point them out and exploit them so you can feel better at their expense.

The toxicity levels are rising..!

Ingredient #3: A dose of minute distractions

Whoever said you shouldn’t focus on small and insignificant things in a relationship is wrong. If you wish to slowly poison your relationship with someone, it’s the meaningless matters you should aim your attention at.

Think about it: those issues are the ones that appear most frequently and are the easiest to absorb you into a rabbit hole of pointlessness. You can easily spend hours on end fighting with your partner over who will do the dishes or take the trash out.

These are also great opportunities to show them some of your dexterity and intellect, thus adding a bit more spice into the mix!

Why would you focus on important challenges you face at work, with your health or family? Those take a huge amount of energy to resolve, and require composure and cooperation to settle. And you don’t have either of those things, do you?

Here’s what to do instead: focus on the trivial and insignificant. Make it your life mission to detect all the little things you dislike in your relationship, and bring them up whenever you get the chance to do so.

Ingredient #4: Some trouble-making attitude

You’ve probably heard how crucial communication is for solving problems in a healthy relationship. A civilized discussion, based on understanding and collaboration, is able to solve even the most crucial disputes. You and your partner need to put the effort to join forces and get things fixed.

A toxic relationship, on the other hand, doesn’t need trouble solvers to work — or not work — effectively. It requires a persistent and stubborn trouble-maker, eager to creatively cause stress and woe every single day.

Sitting down to resolve an issue — especially a significant one — is only going to drain you of valuable energy and time. In such unhealthy conditions, it’s much better to invest that time and energy to cause mayhem and insecurity.

How do I do that, I hear you ask.

By constantly introducing novel and unnecessary challenges into your and your partner’s lives, of course!

To add that extra toxicity in your relationship, find out new ways to make your partner’s life a living hell. Always be on the lookout for tiny details that give you a hard time and constantly niggle about them. Make a problem appear out of thin air, in the most unexpected fashion imaginable.

The more insignificant those trifles are, of course, the better. Remember our third ingredient, those minuscule distractions: if you cannot find them, you have to create them yourself.

Solving problems is tough. Why bother? It’s easier to find problems and continuously throw them at the other side of the battlefield!

Ingredient #5: A drop of jealousy

If you want your relationship’s toxicity level to reach LD100, you ought to add some envy and jealousy in there. Obviously, the more you add, the better. Regardless, even a small dosage can have catastrophic effects!

Whenever your significant other looks at any individual on the street, be sure to comment on that mischievous stare. Let them know that you noticed, and that you feel offended by their action. If they claim you are illogical and that they were just looking at their interesting haircut or outfit, disregard their poor excuse. It is obviously a misdirection.

You may also want to question your partner’s morals, behavior and expression, especially if it makes you envious. You have every right to feel jealous even when their actions seem innocent or normal. Deep inside you know they are just distracting you from seeing the truth about them.

Finding something to trigger your jealousy explosion should be fairly easy. Make sure to latch on any sign that you think points to an unfaithful husband or an avoidant girlfriend. Whether your theories are unfounded and exaggerated is not important, in this case. In fact, the more ridiculous your claims, the more virulent your created concoction will be.

Mix, swirl , and see what happens

That’s all you need to make any relationship unbearably toxic. Easy, right?

Now mix all of those ingredients. The order you put them in your pot is not important, but do make sure you include everything. Add as much quantity as possible and give them all a good stir.

Those ingredients are enough to create a brew so toxic that it will wreck havoc to anyone who consumes it. Be well-prepared for the destructive consequences this will have to your relationship. And don’t bother wearing any protective gear, there’s nothing that can save your relationship when the mixture is ready!