Breaking Up With My Best Friend

What I Gained And Learned After Ending A 20 Year Friendship

Hindsight

Upon reflection of the many reasons why I decided to end my friendship of 20 years with my best friend, I came to the broad conclusion that there are two types of people in the world. There are those who are stuck in their ways, unwilling to grow, or see beyond themselves, and there are those who embrace their flaws, and welcome change and self growth.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong believer that everyone is doing the best they can with where they are mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. However, if the behavior of a person is acting in ways that goes against your core values, and who you are as a human being, even if they’re your friend of 20 years, it is always OK to walk away.

Backstory

When I first met my (ex) best friend, I was 17 years old. I was young, wild, and free. My friend (we will call her Erika), was a young, newly single mom with a wild, fiery side. Erika was 22 years old, which made her that much ‘cooler’ in my 17 year old mind.

I had just graduated from high school and moved across the country from Boston, MA. to Los Angeles, CA. Erika was one of the first people I met when I got to the West Coast, so I clung onto her tight.

Over the span of two decades, she and I walked through a life time’s worth of experiences (good and bad), together. She was like a sister to me. I was there for her when she went through a brutal divorce, temporarily losing custody of her (then) toddler daughter. I held her hand through her drug and alcohol addiction and recovery. She witnessed the birth of my son. She was there for me when my father lost his battle with cancer. Through thick and thin, we were each others ‘number one’.

Being young, naive, and not fully/truly strong within myself yet, I didn’t have the life experience to recognize the ‘red-flags’ when they started popping up. In addition, I figured that we were young, and carefree, and had plenty of time to grow up and mature. This thinking was true for the first few years of our friendship; however, as the years ticked by, I started to realize that Erika and I were more different than alike.

What Led Me To Ending Our Friendship

There were three major reasons why I decided to end my friendship with my best friend. First: I could no longer relate to her in any way, on any level. Second: I found myself emotionally exhausted and drained every single time I interacted with her. Third: There was never any self growth on her part; in fact, countless times, I witnessed her damage, self sabotage, and victimize herself.

I know the third reason sounds harsh, and maybe it is; but there comes a time in life when you have to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, and grow up.

I am a huge advocate and supporter of self growth and change. Personally, I strive to be the best version of myself I can be. A part of that, is hearing the ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ things about yourself, and being willing/wanting to change for the better.

I watched Erika not only get offended, but also become enraged if someone ever critiqued or criticized her. She would be so fueled with anger, she would become physically and verbally abusive.

One might ask, why did you stay friends with someone for so long that behaved this way? Hindsight would answer, I was codependent.

For years I ignored my gut-instinct and people around me, telling me that I was in a toxic friendship. Erika and I had been through so much together, and I clung to that. I had convinced myself that because she and I had been through so much together, I had to remain her friend.

Satguru Amachi reminds us:

“You are who you associate with.”

Satguru Maharishi tells us:

“If you hang out with swine, you will become swine.”

I realized that my reputation began to tarnish simply by association with Erika. I did not like that. I was maturing, recognizing my truth, my core values, establishing myself as a young adult, and setting goals as I grew. Erika, on the other hand, who was five years my elder, was still acting like she was a young, wild, and free 21 year old. Her (then) teenage daughter acted more mature and responsible than she did.

My Breaking Point:

There was a string of events that validated my decision to end my friendship with Erika. It started with her engaging in a disturbing abusive relationship. She would leave the man, and get back together with him. At one point she had a restraining order against him, and then broke the order by inviting him back into her house, exposing her children to his abuse. It was mind blowing to me. Baffling.

Erika’s teenage daughter started acting out, as most teenagers do. She never got into ‘too much’ trouble; for the most part it was her talking back to her mother, and complaining about doing house chores.

What pushed me past my breaking point was being on a FaceTime phone call with Erika, and witnessing her rage explode toward her daughter. She was screaming so closely to her daughters face, spit was flying into her mouth. When her daughter put her arm up to block the flying spit, Erika reached back and slapped her daughter across the face.

I was disgusted. I couldn’t take Erika’s out of control outbursts anymore. I took that night to decide what I was going to tell Erika about ending our friendship, and in the morning, I broke up with my best friend of 20 years.

(Below is a video on Toxic, Codependent Friendships)

What I Learned And Gained Once The Friendship Was Over

At first, it was emotionally difficult to distance myself from the friendship. I was used to picking up the phone and calling or texting Erika any time something funny or sad happened. If something reminded me of Erika, a wave of grief would wash over me. As time went on, the easier emotionally it got.

What I gained from ending a toxic, codependent friendship out weighed any second guessing my decision.

Peace & Energy:

I noticed how much quieter, calmer, and peaceful my life was. My energy had expanded and replenished itself. It was no longer being consumed by Erika’s draining, intense energy, everyday.

New, Positive Friendships:

The universe wants to fill voids that are in your life. When I closed the door on my friendship with Erika, I created space for new friendships to arrive. I started attracting friendships that aligned with who I truly was. Friendships that supported one another, and up lifted each other.

Creativity Flowed:

When I no longer had (Erika’s) negative energy weighing me down, and I surrounded myself with people that inspired and positively influenced me, I became the most productive I had ever been. I was able to fully focus on and love myself. I grew mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. It was a beautiful experience.

If someone is struggling to let go of any kind of toxic relationship, believe me when I say: You are strong enough to do it. Your life will change in positive ways you never thought possible. You will learn your self worth, and fall in love with yourself. You are never alone, even when it feels lonely.

When you fill your life with positivity, and raise your vibrational field, the universe sends people and opportunities of that same frequency to you. Choose to be your own best friend, and see what happens.