Breaking Through the Shell: Going from Shyness to Social Confidence

Strategies and tactics for becoming less of a wallflower and more of a social star.

Now that about half of all Americans consider themselves shy or timid, I am ready to fess up. I belong to this group but am constantly trying to fight out of this bag.

The signs have been evident over a lifetime. A recently deceased friend noticed that I was always anxious to leave a room of people. I never noticed, though after he made that observation, I realized it was true. The co-presence of others has always been slightly uncomfortable.

I married an extrovert very successfully, and I wanted what she had: success with people and lots of friends. After a lifetime of trying, I am more comfortable with people and more ‘outgoing’. But I am well short of the top performers, for sure.

Another symptom of timidity/shyness I recently learned about is that shy people often make unrealistic social comparisons. (As a teenage piano player, I had an unrealistic hope to be able to play like Glenn Gould, an over-the-top Candian piano player of otherworldly talent.)

I always blame my foolish wish to be like Gould for my downfall as a player. In fact, I should have blamed my timidity. That never occurred to me.

It is claimed that people may have a genetic predisposition to shyness. That is possible, but I have always understood the origin of my shyness: my mother. She had a low opinion of my behavior and ideas combined with rageful put-downs and critical judgments.

She modeled the ever-present threat of others: anger and negative judgment. Hence, I learned at an early age to be both fearful and avoidant of others.

Additionally, low self-esteem and negative self-perception are also thought to contribute to timidity. This squares with my experience for buried deep in my self-assessment is the assumption that no matter the wish for excellence, ‘good enough’ always suffices.

Shyness Defined

According to a Psychology Today article,” shyness is a sense of awkwardness or apprehension that some people consistently feel when approaching or being approached by others. It is a response to fear.”

The feeling of fear and discomfort or awkwardness around other people is familiar to me. Occasionally, I have delightfully engaging conversations with friends or acquaintances, and they remind me that other people CAN BE a source of pleasure and convivial companionship.

If you are like me, you also would like to capture more interactions with others that provide unparalleled comfort and stimulation. After inspecting some of the literature on ‘’becoming more outgoing “with people, I have selected some strategies I like.

The Social Fitness Model

According to the Shyness Institute, being socially fit is like being physically fit. “You can exercise socially and expand your comfort zone just as you can physically and improve your athletic abilities.”

While I often dread at a low level the prospect of being with a group of others, known and unknown, when I have conversations, I enjoy the process. My number one rule: ask questions. Doing so provides control and ensures a back-and-forth dialogue.

I harbor another rule: make the back-and-forth fifty-fifty, so that both parties to a conversation have an equal chance to express themselves.

The institute also advises that social health is advanced if you can change your attitude, behavior, and thought processes, or change your social surroundings.

To change your attitude, it helps to have some openers that you prepare for when you start a conversation with someone new. Make that approach easy to bring about by having some talking points ready.

Changing your social surroundings may not be so easy, but if you are looking to change the kind of people you socialize with there are a few things you can try.

Before changing your circle of friends and acquaintances, you must identify what you seek. Think about your interests and the kinds of activities you like.

You can find groups or clubs like Meetup.com or volunteer by visiting websites like VolunteerMatch.org. Taking classes is also a viable method for meeting new people with similar interests to your own.

Tactics for Overcoming Shyness

In learning to manage your shyness, the following tactics may help. Pick the ones that work best for you. Other ideas can be found on this site.

. Next time you feel shy, try to step out of your comfort zone.

• Smile at someone at the gym, or workplace who you don’t know.
• Open a door for a door for anyone, companion or not.
• Talk to someone at school or work who seems friendly, but who you don’t know well.
• Go out in a group as on a hike or via volunteer opportunities.
• Or you can compliment the person you are talking to. Tickle their vanity and stand back.

In conclusion, the journey of overcoming shyness and timidity is a personal and often challenging one. The realization that shyness is a common trait among many Americans, including this author, highlights the importance of addressing this issue.

The essay concludes with a list of tactics for overcoming shyness, suggesting small steps individuals can take to step out of their comfort zones and engage more confidently with others.