Breaking the Mold to Embrace Kindness in a Cruel World

What we teach our kids will shape the future.

The story in the Boston Globe could be one of sexual misconduct or of bullying, by minors. It’s both.

It could be a passage out of Lord of the Flies.

In the basement of a friend’s home, the friends of a developmentally delayed boy convinced him to take off his clothes. He didn’t want to, but they told him it would be “fun.”

So he did.

One of the boys took out his phone and shot a picture, which he then shared. Of course! Why else would you take a picture?

What followed has been a 17-month ordeal for the boy’s parents, trying to have the incident investigated properly. Throughout this time, the pictures continued circulating at a boy’s basketball camp and on Snapchat.

The police investigation concluded it was a “boys-will-be-boys-incident” and a parental matter. Local officials tried to hide it. The District Attorney reprimanded the family for failing to file charges before pressing the issue.

But then again, the boy that took the picture was a police officer’s son; a detective’s. It explains a lot. Then again, so is the paternal grandfather of the boy who was bullied.

The mother of the boy stated that she doesn’t want the kids punished, but she doesn’t want their behavior, or the incident, ignored. And both she and her husband want to know the full extent of the circumstances, i.e., everything that happened.

Other details, like the fact that the boys allegedly tried to convince the boy to go outside after they took the picture, have come out.

The boy’s parents want an apology and for the picture to stop circulating. Why is this so difficult? We never want to admit we’re wrong, never mind our kids. For some parents, to hint that their perfect child is in the wrong is downright blasphemy.

Yes, boys will be boys, but boys are human, and we humans tend to misbehave, especially as we approach adolescence. These boys will also become men, and sadly for now, men still rule the world.

What kind of world do we want to create?

If Kindness is so beautiful, why is it so hard?

“Kindness is like snow — it beautifies everything it covers.” ~ Khalil Gibran

We see it in videos of animal rescues. Or small acts of kindness, stranger-to-stranger. We hit the “like” or “share” button. Kindness, like meanness, is not difficult to recognize.

It is shiny and beautiful and can be bestowed in a small way. Smile, hold the door, or give someone an unexpected compliment.

But it takes a certain amount of vulnerability to show a softer side of ourselves, and let our guard down. It takes courage and confidence, with some equating kindness and gentleness with weakness.

The societal norm is for boys to be tough. They hide both the physical, mental, and emotional pain they experience. Stuff it down. Move forward.

Act like a man.

Is this how a man should act? Should boys and men be taught to hide their humanity behind a veil of false Stoicism? In doing so, they are taught to hide their humanity. If nature did not intend for men to cry, they would not have tears.

It’s not a man’s nature not to have feelings because they are human beings and feelings are part of the package. This lack falls under nurture. And it is passed from one generation to the next.

We need more kindness in the world, and we can see this everywhere we look.

It shouldn’t be hard to be kind. But we’ve made it that way.

It’s easier to taunt and belittle than to show compassion. For many, it’s too difficult to go against the male grain.

Nothing is Simple

There’s more than one thing going on here.

Boys enjoy being mean, aka, boys being boys. And yes, girls can be mean as well. I know about mean girls.

Kids must be assertive and strong, and compassion has no place in their vocabulary or lives. This means not only can they not say they are wrong, but parents can’t tell them they’re wrong.

The kid who took the picture knows his parents will back him up, no matter what he does. Or at least they are giving that appearance. He might get a tongue-lashing, but little out. It sends the message that he can do whatever he wants to anybody.

Scary.

Next, there’s good old nepotism. No one else wants to criticize a friend’s kid and incur their wrath and possibly ostracism.

Being kind, disciplining a child who has behaved badly, and speaking out against bad behavior pushes us into an uncomfortable and for some, unknown territory. It goes against the grain.

It is equally difficult for the child to go against his peers and change their behavior, especially when no one has shown them how.

And very often people are mean because of what’s going on in their own lives.

Believe it or not, bullying has more to do with the bully than the person they’re antagonizing.

The Solution

My mother had a saying, “Charity begins at home.” Or maybe meanness does.

It’s got to start somewhere. Family comes first, then our community, and so on.

We’ve got to model the behavior we want to see in the world.

If we don’t have the courage to stand up and say something is wrong, we should at least have the guts to support the individuals who put themselves out there and say so.

We all know that bad things continue to happen when good people do nothing. We’ve seen it throughout history. You’ve got to eradicate it. Like a bad smell, you can’t cover it up and expect it to go away. You’ve got to scrub is clean.

The solution is to address the problem head-on and face the brutal truth that we, our kids, and our friends are imperfect and in need of fine-tuning once in a while.

We have the power to decrease some of the suffering around us.

We just need to have the courage to do so.