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Breaking News: Writer in Intensive Care After Trying Productivity Hacks
Girlfriend worried he’ll never be the same
Sunday, 29 January 2023, Munich. The Ludwig-Maximillians-University Hospital warned writers and other creatives on their social media accounts of the ill effects of productivity hacks. The warning comes after a hapless local writer had to be admitted into the hospital’s intensive care unit.
According to the writer’s girlfriend, the creative, who recently cracked the 100-follower threshold on Medium, had tried to improve his output with everyday productivity hacks. “One day, he came to me and said, ‘Babe’, he said, ‘Babe. Tomorrow, I gonna do that thing, you know, Babe. I gonna be super productive, you know, Babe. The next day, he got up at 4 am.”
Against the man’s expectations, he did not show any signs of heightened productivity but was almost unable to stay awake at his desk. The writer compensated with vast amounts of coffee to be able to follow three self-help audiobooks simultaneously while planning every second of his day because time is limited.
“It was terrible, you know,” his girlfriend recalled, “He was totally stressed out and grumpy, you know. And then, he came to me and said, ‘Babe,’ he said, ‘Babe. This sh** ain’t working, Babe.’ He totally freaked out and just didn’t sleep at all because that is even better than waking up early, you know?”
The man eventually collapsed after finishing 34 self-help books, testing 67 productivity tools, and constantly updating his to-do list for an entire week. He has yet to write a single word.
Asked what he learned from the experience during a short lucid moment, the writer said he’ll become filthy rich after releasing a course on how not to be productive. “It is all set up in my mind. Easy as cake. I only need 20 to 30 online courses and maybe double as many books.”
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