Breaking News: The Coronavirus Causes Major Breakout of Assholes.

New outbreaks detected from the run on toilet paper. No vaccine but cover your ass just in case.

Silly me, I’ve been checking my temperature and monitoring every cough and tickle in my throat these days to see if I have the virus. All I’ve really had to do is take a rear look in the mirror and see if I’ve grown a few extra assholes.

The lamestream media has been underreporting this serious symptom, and it could have wide-ranging consequences for you and your family. This is totally the fault of fake news that only cares about keeping the numbers down.

I mean, who wants the word to get out that our country has had an uptick in assholes?

Lord knows, we have enough as it is. Think of what that news would do to our trading partners. You were upset about the tariffs before the pandemic?

If China gets word that the virus is causing 6.3 new assholes per exposure, they will have us in their back pocket when it comes to the bargaining table. After washing us down with a 60% alcohol wipe, of course.

How do I know the outbreak of asshole-itis, the scientific designation awarded by the CDC over the weekend, is due to the novel coronavirus-19?

Pu-leeze. Have you not learned anything from Benedict Cumberpatch’s smash hit, Sherlock? I mean, the man turned himself inside out to get into character for the role, and you totally ignore the facts in front of your nose?

I get it. You’re focused on hitting the elevator button with your kneecap and practicing the Vulcan wave — tricky if you have a flare-up of carpal tunnel syndrome (ask me how I know). But we have to multitask, people. Desperate measures for desperate times.

Open your eyes. We all know toilet paper is flying off the shelves as if powered by an Amazon drone. We’ve callously ascribed it to the greedy, self-centered citizens around us who seem to think they are so privileged their butts need more tender, loving care than their neighbors’.

How else would you explain the scouring of stores, boutique markets, and big box warehouses of every shred of toilet paper? Yeah, that’s how you would explain it.

But listen up. I may be a doddering little old shut-in (thanks to taking on my civic duty of self-quarantining), but I have resisted the urge to dump science into the dumpster as is the wont of the powers that be these days.

But I haven’t forgotten how to decipher the scientific jargon in a Buzzfeed post. I keep telling you, I’m old, but not stupid. Afterall, I’ve done a close reading of designer advice to avoid egregious mistakes should I ever redo my bathroom.

I can also spot your moral center based on your Disney crushes.

So who better to alert you to the source of this major outbreak of assholeness that has been totally ignored by responsible journalists than moi, an astute octogenarian with time on her hands.

So how did I figure it out? I’ll tell you. And in the interest of solving this massive public health crisis, feel free to pass my research around. Anything to help.

Why else do people need to stockpile toilet paper? Sure, everyone looks like they’re fine as they walk around the store, filling their basket with essentials. But you have to look for that telltale glaze in their eyes.

You could be forgiven for thinking it’s that shopper high, zooming up and down the aisles looking for that last bag of chips, or a five-pound bag of coffee beans Starbucks sends to Costco because they’re six-years after their sell-by date. But cheap, yes stale, too, but almost half-price and that’s not nothin’.

But you’d be mistaken for thinking they’re garden variety hoarders. It’s the extra assholes opening up all over their bodies that’s making them look and act like morons. Science has shown that’s the early sign of the disease. The skin breaking open and the stupidity emerging.

That’s what causes the outbreak of new assholes. Sadly,the irritation is not just in your nether regions, but your brain cells as well. Brain assholes are the worst. Though they can’t be seen by the naked eye, you can tell you have them by your disordered thoughts.

You start believing that you need ten years worth of toilet paper, an amount so large you have to rent several storage lockers to hold your stash because your small-ish, one-bedroom apartment that you share with a roommate because it’s all you can afford in over-priced San Francisco, has no closet space to hold your haul.

The fact that a landlord would charge you $6k a month for a 200-square foot apartment is another type of assholeitis, but that’s for another article. I’ll stick to my point here.

So you can see my reasoning, and I dare you to find fault with it. Everybody’s running around, pointing the finger at their neighbors for buying up all the toilet paper when we should be practicing compassion. Pity those poor people having to wipe all those assholes. Some of them breaking out with new lesions by the minute.

I heard of someone buying up all the ham hocks and lima beans in her town. I ate that shit once. OMG, she has to be in the last stages if she thinks she needs to stuff that dreck down her gullet to survive. Can someone start a crowdfund to buy a supply of frozen mashed potatoes to help ease her pain?

My biggest worry in this dire news is that the worst outbreak of assholes is in Washington, D.C. I mean, please, to all that’s holy and American, hasn’t that city suffered enough in the last few years?

My advice, people, is to Keep Calm and cut up sheets and your old wedding gowns.

As Tom Eichorn said on WeSpeak.com, “Some people are not shaking hands because of the coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.”

That’s my medical tip for the day, folks. Stay safe until the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign, and we’re all moving about the cabin again.

What? There’s no captain?

Shit.

Oops, can’t do that. No toilet paper.