WORK|PSYCHOLOGY

Breaking Down at Work Sparked the Beginning of the End

I hated feeling so raw, vulnerable, and exposed but it turned out to be the key I needed to unlock my heart

It was a typical Wednesday afternoon that I thought would be easier than usual since a lot of the kids I help watch go on long vacations during the summer.

Before I get into the details of my breakdown, let me first tell you about my job. My official job title is “Native English Speaker” at a kindergarten in Germany.

I do much more than my job description states or my title suggests because I am the kind of person who enjoys doing the work that needs to get done in order to help things run smoothly.

However, when it comes to children between the ages of three and six, having things run smoothly can be a long and circuitous path.

I am one of the only people where I work who has not been thoroughly trained or is not in training, in the field of child development.

I have taken courses in psychology that cover stages of human development, including childhood, and I have cared for countless children throughout my life.

However, none of it has compared to the experience of looking after a group of toddlers while exposing them to English in a fun and natural way.

At first, the 6:30 am wake-up calls, and working 40-hour work weeks with an almost hour-long commute each way were the biggest challenge.

It took a few months for my body to adjust to all the changes, especially being on my feet much more but I eventually adapted well.

After a year into the job, it became second nature.

I knew that I would not stay indefinitely but I saw myself staying for at least one more year.

The benefits are outstanding, better than anything I have ever had while working as an employee for a company in the United States.

As an immigrant in Germany, any time I change jobs or contracts, I must submit paperwork to a governing authority for approval. This has deterred me from reducing my hours at my current job. I also have not wanted to decrease my salary quite yet.

Everything changed the day I was completely overwhelmed by four particular children and could not hold back my tears.

Normally, I have at least one person who is a trained educator in my group with the kids. One was on his lunch break and the other was with one of the new kids who needed to take a nap in a separate room down the hall.

I was by myself which is usually not a big deal. There are always other educators whom I can ask for help when needed and my supervisor is oftentimes in her office across the hall for assistance too.

Three kids were playing around on the beautiful piano that we have in our room. The sounds grew awful as they grew louder. They were disrupting the other kids who were quietly doing other activities so I told them to go outside.

One more kid joined the three troublemakers and started to climb the piano. As soon as I took one kid off of the piano another kid was halfway up.

I was eventually able to put them all outside in our huge playground with people already out there to help watch them but they needed shoes. I went to get their shoes to give to them and they had already run around to another entrance to try to get back into our room.

I peeked into my supervisor’s office and saw that she was not there. The tension in me was quickly growing. I also had a sweet little girl clinging to my leg patiently waiting for me to play with her outside.

One of my co-workers in another group was playing cards outside not far from our door. I called out to him and another colleague in German telling them that I needed help.

I could feel the tears rising in the few minutes that seemed like forever for someone to come help me. I saw another co-worker from a different group and asked for his help too. He heard me and saw me but kept walking away.

I felt like I was drowning and didn’t want the little girl who was by my side to see my eyes full of tears at that point but I could no longer hide them from her.

It all made me feel like a great big failure.

I went to my colleague in my group and told them that it was too much for me. He needed to go to our room while I stayed with the child in the room for napping. He came back shortly afterward to check on me and I was better but still stressed.

Even though I didn’t think I needed to have a good cry, I did. I went to the bathroom just to splash cold water on my face and ended up sobbing. It was very cathartic.

It all took me by surprise because I thought that the day would be much easier with only half the kids there and my hormonal phase being in an ideal state.

I took my lunch break shortly afterward which allowed me to clear my head and come to the conclusion to leave my job by the end of the year.

When I returned to my group, I spoke with my team leader who is wise beyond his years. He was kind, compassionate, and understanding. More tears burst through while telling him that I didn’t want to disappoint him but I needed to move on.

To my surprise, even more tears were shed the next morning when I recapped what happened to my supervisor who listened to me with an open heart and mind.

I have never felt so supported by an employer or place of employment before.

Even though it was not my plan at all to be so transparent and direct with my supervisor, I think that it was the best thing I could have done.

She wants me to stay but supports my decision to leave. She seems to have more respect for me because I was able to be very honest and vulnerable with her and ask for help when I needed it.

I am proud of myself for being authentic through the pain of all that transpired and coming out on the other end with more awareness and strength that are allowing me to take the necessary steps to move on with grace.

For someone like me who quit jobs on a moment's notice in my youth, this is huge.

There are many things about my job that I love and am grateful for, especially the bonds I have made with several of the children. However, I have known for a while that it would be good for me to at least start looking for other work which I have finally started to take seriously.

Now most at my job knows this and I have their full support.

There is no pressure. I have time. I could not be more satisfied with this blessing in disguise.

It was the last thing I expected to come out of the sea of tears I felt I was drowning in.

Yet another reason I firmly believe in the power of vulnerability for which Brene Brown advocates.

It is my new superpower.